Day #33 – What happened to 31.


So on Saturday night, I sat here. In the same place as I am now. It was 10pm. I was exhausted. I’d been in London all day, doing some music related stuff actually. Yeah you see it’s not all writing about gratitude and happiness… I still want to be a singer. I was so determined to have my May target done by midnight. I’m not a quitter and I don’t really rate failing. So I sat here. All I had to do was whack my audio recording and a picture into iMovies to turn it into a video file so I could upload it to youtube. Even if I couldn’t do that, I was certain google would help me. No worries, right? Wrong.

On Friday, my friend Ed generously donated his entire afternoon helping me record my cover of wrecking ball. I don’t like the way that looks written down. It makes me laugh a little. I covered wrecking ball. Saying that, London Grammar also did, and they are hot. My backing track didn’t match the way I wanted to sing it entirely, so he, from scratch, learnt the song and put a track together. Thank you Ed. After 3 hours, we had a somewhat finished product. It was rushed. But I needed to just get it done. I had a target to meet. I had to go to London the next day. Whatever. That’ll do. I need to get it up. I want my tattoo… Priorities Gemma.

Day #31 came along. I sat down, and I listened to our track. I didn’t like the way it sounded. Its not rubbish at all. Ed is incredibly talented. I’ll link you up to his website in just one moment. But I wasn’t happy with it. I spent over an hour listening to it. Thinking about uploading it. Everything was ready. I just had to click upload. Something was holding me back though. I’m a massive perfectionist. In all honesty, I’m not sure any recording will ever be good enough for me. I thought about that, but that didn’t seem to be the reason. I’m quite good at being honest at the moment. I realised that it didn’t sound like how I had imagined it to sound or how I wanted it to sound. Sure, it sounds good. But not how I want to sound. I decided not to upload it.

I’m not going to lie. I felt pretty awful about myself on Saturday night. After all of that, after everything I have worked on and through the last month, I finish it off by not meeting my own target with everything I needed in my hands.That sucks. Then I thought, actually, does it? Does it suck? No. Here’s why.

There was a time, when I was so desperate to sing, that I would have sang anything. I wouldn’t have stopped to think about whether I like it, whether it’s a style or genre that I like or am comfortable with. Singing is singing is singing. Over the last month, I have been practising and singing so much that I’m actually beginning to learn things about my own voice. Which parts I am comfortable with. Which parts I’m not. How I want to sing. Whether a song fits my voice. How can I change it? Can I change it? And then having the confidence to make decisions based on my own opinion. I consciously made the decision not to upload it because it’s not how I want to sound. I have grown so much in the last month and instead of feeling bad and giving up, I just feel grateful. Although I feel done in with technology, I’m getting back up and I’m going to smash it.

Fresh thinking.

Fresh thinking.

The whole point of creating a youtube channel is to upload what I can do, what I want to do… Make the kind of sounds that I want to make on a bigger level. I want someone to hear it and pick me up. That’s it really. There would be no picking up from what I made.

I also had another epiphanic moment. I’m always reading at the moment. I feel so indulged. I love books so much. I was reading more on how your thoughts create your reality and how thinking about what we want has the power to make things happen. Likewise thinking about what we DONT want on a regular basis, actually attracts that to you. For the entire month, I was thinking about making my first youtube upload. My thoughts were ‘I don’t want it to be a crappy, karaoke style, in the bathroom with my mac type video’. I obviously went on to think that I wanted it to sound professionally recorded. I can’t do bad sound. It needs to sound proper. But my prevailing thought was ‘no bathroom video no bathroom video no bathroom video.’ You know the ones I’m talking about right? Well here I am, with my macbook, my backing track and my bathroom.

Go figure. Thoughts are powerful. Both ways. Kind of tempted to do it just to teach myself a lesson. You want to see my shower curtain I know it. It has stags on it.

I’ve made my channel. I’ve recorded a song. I decided not to upload it. I don’t get my tattoo. Massive ballbag. I’ll let myself have it when I’ve got a track up.

This week, I’m working on a friend’s cover of a Sam Smith song, which when I work out, is being recorded. I’m also learning A thousand years by Christina Perri as I’m singing and covering that with a pretty young thing at a friends wedding.

Right I’m off to play with backing tracks, recording stuff and practice…. X

ps. Check out Ed’s work. I’m paying him in pimping.



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