Day #41 – One door closes. One door opens.

It’s true. That’s how life works.

But first. I’m going to play this really loud. Then I’ll think positive. If you’ve had a bad day. Do this too.

Thank you Martha. You saved my day.

I went to London a couple of weeks ago to audition for one of these big reality singing shows. I think I signed a paper saying I can’t talk about it so we are just going to call it a reality show. Yup. Everyone’s got a view on them. Here’s mine – the music business has changed. It’s not like the old days. Maybe that is good. Maybe that is bad. It just is. If you want to be massive, you play ball. A bit. To begin with. It’s a foot in. And I’m not too proud, self righteous or too much of a music snob to say it. Perhaps if I was a musician making my own music I would feel different. I’m not. I’m a singer. I want to sing other peoples stuff. Worked for Sinatra. Works just fine for me. I would ride that marketing wave and take everything I could get from it. It opens up all kinds of opportunities that the 4 walls in my house cannot.

I actually swore I would never audition for anything like that again though. I have done it twice. Once for the X factor. Once for The Voice. The X factor was a long time ago and they were so inundated with auditionees they didn’t even let me finish my verse… there were 2 women sitting opposite me, who made me feel really intimidated and I could see them shaking their heads at each other by the time I’d hit the second line. I felt like such a loser. I was thinking ‘Why am I even still singing?! I can see you shaking your heads!’ I felt pretty crappy about myself after that, and decided it wasn’t worth the trauma. Plus the sheer volume of people applying. Your chances are pretty slim. What are they looking for anyway? The Voice was actually really nice to audition for. But again, I didn’t even get through the first audition and there are thousands and thousands of people…

So when I got an email inviting me to audition for a show like this again, my initial thought was ‘No Way…’ But then I thought, I’m looking for a record deal right? Here’s an opportunity. I’m going to take it. If an opportunity falls in my path at the moment, I’m gobbling them up like candies.

Everything felt really synchronatic. They invited me to audition in London but I couldn’t make it. I was going to New York. I didn’t mind, just thought it wasn’t meant to be. The lady told me she’d add me to the tbc list but I never heard back. I forgot about it. I had my blog, cosmic order plan. When I got an email out of the blue again, I thought I should really go. I’d managed to skip a stage of auditions. It felt like something was on my side. Arriving at the venue though, there were so many people and my heart sank. Why was I wasting my time again? I was surrounded by all of these pristine looking.. kids actually… and I felt like an intruder. Dont get me wrong – there were some incredible singers. But it wasn’t my scene at all… I need a good polish. I could see people auditioning upstairs in a room with a glass wall and as I watched I just felt sick. I hate auditions. Sell yourself in a minute. Pick the wrong song- out. Wear the wrong thing- out. Stumble on your words – out. You’re being judged and scrutinised from head to toe. It’s ROUGH!

I used everything I’ve been reading and learning about. I ignored all of my fears and I just visualised the outcome I wanted. I visualised myself in the glass room upstairs. I was pretty sad when they led me in a different direction away from the room upstairs and down a corridor. Being surrounded by really confident, amazing singers right before you audition is also really off-putting. I’m suddenly in a room with two tv producers who look incredibly familiar. We chat like we’re friends. I sing. They give me great feedback and I’m through. Just like that. I’ve got the ticket. Now I’ve got to go to the room upstairs to see the A & R guy. I’m upstairs. We chat. We laugh. Everything’s going great. I sing. I sing again. We chat. He tells me what a great audition it was blah blah blah. I know that they don’t tell you it’s great out of courtesy. They shake their heads, say thanks and you leave. I’ll hear in 2 weeks.

Today I heard. Thanks. But no thanks. Out of the hundreds of thousands of people that auditioned you got to the last wave. You got to the final stage. You almost made it. Better luck next time. I’m playing Martha Wainwright again.

Normally I let auditions slide. You have to. You hear ‘No’ a lot. You can’t let it affect you. It’s the nature of the business isn’t it? No no no no no no no no no no no no YES no no no no no no no no no no. If you haven’t given up and got bored trying after a zillion ‘No’s then you’ll get your ‘Yes’. It’s just this time, I guess it’s because it’s the closest I’ve actually come to getting somewhere. I was surrounded by pictures and photos of celebrities and tv awards in cabinets. I could feel it. I could almost touch it. I was there. And I didn’t screw up. For once, I didn’t screw up. I did my absolute best. I am one of the most hard working people, I know that I can do this. Just not with that ticket apparently. I don’t understand why.

Sometimes we’re so busy chasing something we want that we forget to look behind us. Maybe something better is trying to catch up. I’m grateful for the opportunity I just experienced. For the people that I met. The people I shared my ideas and passions with. I’m grateful for the positive feedback. I’m grateful because it’s made me want it even more. At the moment, I am visualising myself as a cartoon game character with a key. The point of the game is to find the door that my key unlocks. Each door is an opportunity. This was one door. I really hoped that my key would open it, but alas, it was not to be. Good job there are other doors to try and I know where to find them. I just have to hold on tight to my key. Otherwise you pick up another key and you have to start trying all the old doors again. I like my key. I’m sticking with it. Let’s hope Will.I.Am gobbles me up instead. My pregnant dream come true *swoon*. If that doesn’t work out I’ve got other ideas. And if all else fails, I can always start my own record label and release my own music. Because apparently, you can just do that. Think you have to record something first though….

Come on doors. Open up. Or at least supply a stable. X

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