Thought I’d done gone quit didn’t you? Thought I couldn’t take the heat and had thrown in the towel. I’ll admit it. I was almost there. This last week has been pretty dark and pretty sore. But I’m almost back in the game. I say almost because it still hurts to swallow.
Last Wednesday I started feeling a bit ill. I put it down to tiredness. Then I got a cold. We joked I had man flu. Massive sufferer. I was vaguely looking forward to lying on the sofa in the evening with blankets and lemsip and being pandered to. By Friday night my voice was incredibly deep… by Saturday night it had gone. Not really the kind of thing you want happening when you’re working on songs. You kind of just have to stop everything. Sunday still no voice. I was getting really stressed. But fine. It’s got to come back at some point. Colds don’t last that long. I tried to relax and rest. I ate lots of echinacea and hot drinks. Smoothied up everything I could get my hands on.
By Monday I was feeling like hell. I was really tired. I got up in the morning with our baby and couldn’t even look after her. I couldn’t stand up. I felt sick. My kidneys started hurting. My whole body was aching. I slept for hours. I decided that there was probably no point ever blogging again. I hadn’t done it for 4 days. I was a waste of space. I should probably just quit everything. I ridiculed myself for ever thinking I could pull this off. What a twat. I slept some more.
Tuesday brought me to the nurse’s room. The doctor doesn’t see you unless the nurse is worried. No temperature. My glands aren’t up. Drink lots and take paracetamol. I’m sitting there shaking and almost in tears. I left and felt like screaming. I shouted at Tommy instead. I told him that everything was a mess. There was no point in even trying to do anything ever because what’s the point. Everything is shit. I cried and went to sleep. Again.
I know what you’re thinking. What a mentalist. How can you go from blogging about being super positive and happy and chasing your dreams one minute to a crazy, negative, destructive bint in a matter of days?
Well apparently it’s a mixture of these 3 things. Minimal B vitamins for an entire month. Very little sugar for an entire month. And no fat. Consequently losing too much weight.
I watched this nasty documentary called ‘Earthlings’. It’s on youtube if you want to be sick. It’s about the human relationship with animals and how we think we are more important than them, so we feel it is ok to treat them badly for our own gain. It’s visually horrific. I was already vegetarian, but after watching that, the thought of drinking milk or eating eggs made me feel uneasy. I decided to go vegan. I thought that I researched it. When I was removing something from my diet, I was replacing it with something equivalent.
Erm except all of the above things which I clearly paid no attention to.
I found myself reading the symptoms of low blood sugar and I had every single one of them. From the mood swings to the palpitations. I also realised that I was malnourished. Even though all I had been eating was good things! So I ate a whole packet of rolos. That was for the blood sugar. Not the malnourishment. Within 5 minutes I felt like smiling. Then I just started eating. A lot. Much like the hungry caterpillar. On Wednesday I managed to stand up for longer than an hour without having to take a nap. I don’t think I went mental. I got out of bed and I cleaned my house. I ate a cookie. Then I bought a pot of double cream and drank from it. Cows are magic. Or so it would seem.
I am ethically unhappy about this. I still wholeheartedly believe in being a vegan. I think the way that we treat cows is pretty hideous. I think it would be hideous to treat any other being with so little respect. The same goes for large scale egg farms. Free range improves very little except for a few consciences. But I’m not an idiot. This is the second time in my life I’ve tried to be vegan and the second time I’ve been ill from it. I could and probably will at some point, see a proper dietician/nutritionalist and discuss where I went wrong and work out properly what I need to eat if I cut out all animal products. I’d like to do that. But right now, it’s not a priority. My family are. My health is. My project here is. I think to transfer to veganism effectively and healthily, you need to focus entirely on it. For all of the ‘I told you so’ people, I still disagree. Sucking milk from another animal is still plain unnatural! None of the other ones do it…
How is my singing going? I’m presently silent. I have an audition next Thursday that I have half prepared for. The rest I’m preparing in my head and hopefully my throat will be better in a few more days so I can start practicing out loud again. One track is almost recorded. I’m also going to try and book some studio time and get a bunch of stuff recorded at once until I learn how to do it myself. The steps that I’ve made and am making are smaller than what I had imagined. At times that has made me feel like a failure, but what does that mean anyway?
‘The law of experience is always perfect.’ – Louise L. Hay
I’ve experienced what I projected. Louise L. Hay argues that if things don’t work out the way you imagined or hoped them to work out, it’s because you have an inner belief that you’re not worthy or don’t deserve it. If we set standards that are simply too high for where we are right now, we are set to ‘fail’.
We need to remember that before you become the master or expert that you want to be, you have to practice and keep trying and trying and trying. You need to listen to your body. Look after it. Jump over the hurdles and when you feel like drowning, hold your breath and kick even harder. X