I feel like I got into a bit of a pickle.
I had a plan. It features on Day #7 of this blog. I thought that with a tight plan, determination and lashings of hard work, I couldn’t fail. For each month I wrote a list of things I had to achieve and complete. Each month I would build on the previous month. I’d climb up and up and up until I reached the top. I would never stop. Of course, I was ready for obstacles. I was ready to jump them. Eat them if i had to. I even planned lovely little rewards for myself at the end of each month. Because that is what all my research advised me to do. So I didn’t give up. My plan was fail proof. So I thought.
The thing with plans is that stuff happens, or doesn’t happen, that you didnt know about. Didn’t think about. Plans aren’t static! So you have to update your plan. I haven’t updated my plan. I’ve just been carrying on with the old one, not giving myself treats. I thought that’s how you deal with it. Error Gemma.
The other thing with plans is that as you start on your journey, you collect more ideas. Your plans grow. If you don’t update your plan then you get into a bit of a mess. I’m in a bit of a mess. I’m lost under this bundle of papers and music and ideas. Twitter. Facebook. Blog. Instagram. Marketing. Reading. What was I doing? Am I a writer now? Why am I writing? Should I be singing? Maybe I’ve got the wrong idea about my calling. Maybe I should write a book. You haven’t even uploaded music yet. What was the point of all of this in the beginning? How was I going to ‘make it’ again? That plan was good. Where’s that plan gone?
And that was just 15 seconds of typing my thoughts.
The little negative voice in my head is still there a bit. She’s kinder than she used to be. I’m trying to work with her. Clearly there are still a few ‘You’re not good enough’ thoughts lurking around. Much less than before. Progress.
On closer look at my Day #7 plan, my main ‘failing’ so far is the lack of youtube channel and recordings. I guess that was my main focus too. I was and still am eager to get recordings and videos up so I can start creating interest in my singing. What I failed to realise when you’ve never recorded music before and you don’t play your own instruments or write songs or know ANYTHING about technology, is that it actually takes a lot longer than I anticipated. First you have to find people to work with. Then you have to work with them. See if that works out. Everybody is on their own schedule. Most people have a full time job and other commitments they have to attend to. Just because you want to schedule something asap, doesn’t mean it’s possible for someone else. According to my initial plan, I should have 4 songs recorded and uploaded to my youtube channel. I have none.
New ideas have come up since I started cosmic ordering and the blog. This threw me off track a bit. I started to think and focus about my new ideas more than my initial idea. That’s the wrong way around. My initial idea needs to stay at the core. Unless I’ve suddenly decided my life long dream and burning desire to sing was all a facade. I can still write a book. But on the side. I can still do a personal development course and teach young women how to respect and love themselves. But on the side. I can still get in touch with SOS Children and start working with them. On. the. side. The rest will have to be written down and come back to. Mustn’t overwhelm myself or bite off more than I can chew in one go. Tweak plans. Don’t write a new one. Progress.
I’ve picked songs. I’ve sang songs. I’ve recorded a song. And a half. Ive blogged. I’ve tweeted. I’m learning how to use social media to promote myself and attract new followers. It’s slow progress. But it’s the tortoise that won the race right? I’ve got 2 wedding performances coming up in the next month. This friday I’m off to an actual recording studio to record new songs and a house studio to finish off the half recording. For the love of God let me produce something good! Progress.
10 weeks ago I was just a tired, done in, mother, busy looking after 3 demanding girls. Singing in the bathroom. Full of dreams I was too scared to share. I couldn’t really cope with that. I felt deeply unhappy that I wasn’t living my own truth. I didn’t think anything was possible for me outside having children. Now I’m a tired, occasionally done in mother, doing her damned hardest to make things happen for me and my family. I feel lighter and brighter. Everything feels balanced and as it should. We are finally on the right path. Pretty pleased with my progress actually.
My tweaked plan is more realistic. More focused. I’m not super human. No matter what I think. My goal hasn’t changed. Neither have my targets.
The game is still on.
Cosmic Order that. X
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