I’ve never considered myself to have an ego. I didn’t think I demonstrated or felt any of the things that you associate with ‘having an ego’. I don’t think I’m better than anybody else, far from it infact. I’m not arrogant. I’m not obsessed with myself. So, whilst being aware of ego, I thought, as long as I don’t demonstrate any of those qualities, which I think are ugly, then I’m happy. Funny how deep down somewhere though, we all have tiny little seeds waiting to be nurtured…
Recently, everything seems to have stopped working. It was all going so well. I felt great. I was on a roll. I’d finally made it in myself. I am on the right path and I’m running full pelt down it because I’m so excited that after 31 years I’m finally being honest with myself. It feels incredible. But for some reason, I’m attracting all of this tension and negativity. I didn’t get it. Then I read something about ego and how it creates a negative playing field. It made sense, but I still didn’t understand where my ego was.
Osho is one of my favourite philosophers, so I was really interested to see what his take on this was.
‘How does the ego live? The ego lives in the tension between what you are and what you want to be. A wants to be B – the ego is created out of this very tension. How does the ego die? The ego dies by you accepting what you are. That you say, “I am fine as I am, where I am is good. I will remain just as existence keeps me. Its will is my will’ – Osho, Die O Yogi Die, Talk #8
Now I get it. Ego isn’t about being an arrogant wanker. It’s a tension within yourself.
Literally, ALL of my energy has been put into where I’m going. Where my family are going. Thinking about the past and now focusing on the future. Everything that I am doing presently, is for the future. But the future doesn’t actually exist. Today is the future according to yesterday, but tomorrow today is the past. Hang in there! Today is really the only day that matters. And that is the present. The one place I have been putting no energy. If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning then you might remember me explaining, where you put your focus is where energy flows. You’d think I’d know better then.
When you are striving for a higher level in anything, it creates a force. Osho calls it tension. Steven Pressfield calls it ‘resistance’. It’s the same thing. And it’s what will stop you from achieving success.
I’m going to finish with this quote from an incredible book I whole heartedly recommend. ‘The War of Art’ by Steven Pressfield.
‘Grandoise fantasies are a symptom of Resistance. They’re the sign of an amateur. The professional has learned that success, like happiness, comes as a by- product of work. The professional concentrates on the work and allows rewards to come or not to come, whatever they like.’
I lost sight of that. Have you? X
If you’re interested in further reading on this then Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘A New Earth’ is another great read. As are Oprah’s Life classes on youtube. I kid you not.
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