Today’s post is pretty monumental.
Everything is changing. Everything has changed.
I feel in my heart that I’m halfway through my journey now. I couldn’t explain why entirely but I feel very connected to everything around me and what I’m doing. I just divided 365 by 2 and I was right. I’m out by half a day. It would appear I’m quite in tune with myself.
We are all born with strong, natural instincts. It’s why babies are so sensitive to their environments. They detect stress in a room without anyone even saying anything. We are born perfect. Then we start being interfered with. Numbed. We are taught to stop trusting ourselves. We lose touch with this inherent natural talent we all possess and spend the rest of our lives questioning everything that we do. That’s crazy isn’t it? How we would laugh if we saw a lion questioning his natural instincts to kill a deer. Or birds when they migrate. They trust what their body is telling them to do. You don’t see a crying bird.
When we go against our instincts, things don’t work. I’m sure you can remember a time yourself when, with hindsight, you’ve looked back at a situation and said ‘I KNEW I shouldn’t have done that!’ But you did. You did do it. Because you didn’t trust yourself. What you thought or wanted, didn’t fit in. You went with your head. With everyone around you. What they were all doing. What they were all saying. Your stomach told you otherwise, but you carried on.
Trusting your instincts is a scary business. It’s scary because we are all so out of practice. How do you know it’s your instinct?! What if it’s not?! What if you’re just having a moment of madness? I can only say that with practice you learn to tell the difference. Pay attention to how your body feels when you’re making decisions. Trust yourself entirely. Forget about how other people are going to react. Are you relaxed? Do you feel better? There is an abundance of literature on developing your intuition.
I wonder about the world. I wonder about everything. I wonder how things work, how things tick, how things can change. It’s never an occasional fleeting thought. It’s intrinsic. It’s in me. To change that would be to deny who I am. I want to explore everything. I’ve been trying to be someone I’m not. I’ve tried to calm down. I’ve tried to change the way I think. I’ve flattened and numbed myself to make something I thought had the potential of being a beautiful flower work. I’ve questioned the way I am. I’ve believed that there must be something ‘wrong’ with the way I see life and how I want to live it. I’ve tried to fit in and play the game.
Me and the T dog have decided to walk in different directions. And that’s ok. No it’s not ideal in societal terms. It’s not what ‘one’ does. We’re taught to stick out mediocre relationships because that’s just what a relationship is. They are hard and take effort. You have to take the bad with the good. You’ve got children, there’s no other option. But we both feel like numb, suffocated, trapped messes. We’ve killed each other. That’s not kind. Love doesn’t do that.
When two people continuously over a long period of time can’t make things work despite trying desperately, to the point they are no longer living in accordance with their own truth… It’s time to be courageous enough to stop it. I’d rather be alone than responsible for somebody else’s misery.
In my mind love is free. It’s so free. It’s a meeting. It’s a passing. It’s a nourishment. When two people bring out the very worst in each other and you slowly watch each other turn into people you are not, it’s time to change.
I am so glad that we have found the strength after 4 years and not 40 to recognise this. To respect each other enough to let each other go. Regardless of how much that hurts.
I have felt so disconnected. I’ve even questioned my mental health. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t aspire to live how I’m expected to. But last night I realised, I’m not crazy. I feel disconnected because I’m not following the set path we are told to follow. How can you connect with a society and people around you that you don’t believe in? Of course I feel disconnected. It’s a positive thing. For me. I’m finally listening to my truth and I’ll make sure I never forget that again.
It’s taken a lot of courage and time. It’s not a decision you come to lightly or quickly. And we have tried. God we have tried. Neither of us have anything left and what we do have left is ugly. We are setting each other free so we can both be great and inspiring parents to our beautiful girls. For the first time in 2 years, I see a spark in his eye. That is love.
Where do we go from here? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other in what I think is the right direction…
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