Wow. So much for lighting up the entire sky. I burnt out about 4 days after and spent the last 2 weeks watering the sky rather than lighting it up. I think that’s a good thing though. I never cry. I bottle everything up and act like a hero. I haven’t this time and I’ve come out the other side a lot more humble and I feel a vulnerability I didn’t have before. I think I might keep her. If the ugly, heavy, creature lying across my chest could just get off now, then we’ll be in business. I’m working on that. Negotiations are taking longer than anticipated.
So much has happened in my personal life the last 6 weeks. A lot of things have been said. A lot of things have been done. Things I’m not proud of and things I’m sure other people aren’t proud of either. But I decided that I’m not going to talk about that. This blog isn’t a gossip column. I will say that there are always two sides to every story though and unless you’re a modern day saint, don’t be so quick to judge. Each persons actions are a reaction to their situation. You can’t possibly know as an outsider what a person has been through in their life and how that has affected them. How that implicates their actions. Keep that in mind. I am. It makes everyone suddenly seem beautiful and lovable.
Life really hurts sometimes. You can’t escape that. But I think as humans we try to. We do everything that we can to avoid pain. Avoid any kind of heartache. It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant. It’s only natural that we would want to avoid it. Nobody tells us to lean towards the pain and discomfort. We’re told to take a pill, distract ourselves, get help. Avoid and fix! Avoid and fix! What happens if we stop avoiding it? If we stop and turn around and look it right in the eyes? Sit with it. See it clearly rather than protecting ourselves. Well, it’s not pretty. But it’s good. What started off as a problem, suddenly becomes a source of wisdom.
The ground has been taken beneath my feet and I have nothing to grab hold of. It hurts. I have been beside myself. I have been this sad twice in my life. The first time was when my first love at 18 years old called me up and told me over the phone that he didn’t love me anymore. How cute first love is. I don’t love him anymore either. The second time was when I was 6 months pregnant and my step father dropped down dead over dinner. I didn’t think I would care that me and Tommy broke up. It was such a logical and practical thing to do. It made sense. We talked about it for a long time. We tried for a long time. We decided that this was for the best. Nobody was mortified. It had to be the right thing. Nobody was crying or shouting no. In my mind that indicated a massive lack of desire and romantic motivation. It was cool and dead. And it had been for longer than either of us wanted to admit.
Despite that, when our break up turned sour, as they all do eventually, no matter how beautiful the sentiment, I completely lost it. Ive cried until I’m sick. Ive had panic attacks. I’ve collapsed. I’ve drank and drank and drank. Ive cried some more. I’ve beaten myself up. Blamed myself. Had second thoughts. Doubted myself. Everything I have been working for felt pointless. I haven’t sang a word. I couldn’t write. I puked some more. Cried some more. Fell to the floor even more. I’ve spent years building this massive defence system to protect myself from things like this and it’s impenetrable. I keep everything and everyone at arms length as a fail safe protection strategy. Or so I thought.
I have learnt so much. I am so glad that my heart is broken. I am so glad that I have been broken. I’m still crying. I need to do some rebuilding. But positive, gentle and tender rebuilding. Fort Knox isn’t coming back. Maybe a nice circle of mature trees can take its place. I feel like one of those wild horses that has been vaguely tamed. I say vaguely, because my spirit is wild by nature and I neither can or have the inclination to change that. I have learnt the importance of pain and embracing it. It has triggered all sorts of unresolved issues in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have learnt the importance of pausing rather than immediately finding something or someone to fill the empty space in you. I’ve been made more than aware how my actions can cause harm and pain to other people. That there is something in all of us that we are trying to hide from and avoid and by acting quickly we manage to avoid it. I’ve come out the other side gentle. I never thought it possible. I feel gentle. That’s incredible in itself. I mean, it blows… But growing doesn’t. Learning doesn’t. Sometimes you need to have a pit stop, cry it out, mourn what you’ve lost. Do a little grieving. You can’t always charge full steam ahead regardless. I just learnt that. After 30 years. Apparently we’re all human…
It is definitely a balance though. You can’t stay in your pit too long else you’ll never get out and you’ll become depressed. This isn’t about wallowing or self pity. This is about allowing yourself to feel pain and knowing that it’s ok. That it’s part of life. Pleasure can’t exist without it. Cry until you’re sick but make sure you get up again. Refocus and keep moving towards what is important to you. Know what is important to you in the first place. Even if it feels harder than it ever felt. Even if you’ve lost the will. You have to try. You’ll be the only one to lose out if you don’t. Cry and then get up.
I’ve come to New York City. I’m here to be inspired. I’m going to cover myself in music and life. In buildings. In America. I’m going to write every day. I’m going to explore every day. Read every day. I’m going to try and sing a song. The air smells like waffles and I’ve already been to the Apollo theatre to watch some of the best musicians in the world. That has to be a good starting point.
Thank you to everyone for the kind messages and support you have all given and offered. It means so much and has stopped me from giving up. For reals.
Come follow me on my other social networks for music and pictures! There is going to be a lot of New York….
Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich
Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich