Tag Archives: appreciation

Day #297 – You’re dying.

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‘Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.’ ~Dr. Seuss

I know what you’re thinking. What a joyous blog title right? Where is she going with this? Has all her recent darkness overcome her and now she’s finally lost the plot entirely? No. No I really haven’t.

We are all so scared to talk about dying. About death. We ignore it until it happens. Then we’re horrified by it and can’t deal with it all that well. But guess what? It’s going to happen to all of us at some point. Yes. You too. Even if we live until the oldest that is humanly possible. Even if we pass away peacefully in our sleep. Our time here on this earth is limited. It’s the only certainty of life.

Do you pay attention to that fact?

When people are diagnosed with a terminal illness and they’re given a small amount of time, suddenly it’s precious. They and the people around them become very aware of that fact. Petty arguments seem futile as does the daily slog of life. What really matters and is important suddenly becomes paramount. Bucket lists are born. People make more time for each other. Check in a little more often. Support each other and assist them in getting as much done in this life that they always wanted to do. It’s beautiful.

This is how we are when people are dying. But the thing is… Shouldn’t we live like this always? Aren’t we all dying, every single day? A little bit? Who knows when your number will be up. I’ve seen it first hand. It can happen to anyone, anywhere at any given moment. Why do we wait for a terrible diagnosis to start living the life we should have been living all along? Why do we wait until it’s too late to say the words we wished we’d said? Just say them. What have you got to lose? Face?! Oh yes. That’s very important. Keep your face.

Yes I know. Easier said than done. We all too easily get caught up in life. In society. We let ourselves become trapped in the rat race. We’re on the treadmill, running like maniacs until our hearts pop. But it’s a treadmill. You can get off it. You’re more powerful than you give yourself credit for.

Imagine you were given six months to live. What would you do? Where would you go? Who would you make peace with? Would you regret anything? Would you wish you’d had the courage to just do what you always wanted to? Here comes the big question now then. Why aren’t you doing that already?

Oh yes. I know. Work. And family. And responsibilities. What other people think. Let’s chuck money in there for good measure too. But really? You’re not making peace with someone because you have a job? You’re not saving up for that trip of a lifetime because you have a family? You never followed your true calling because you couldn’t afford it? I can’t afford to be a writer. I’m still writing. There’s always a little way of bringing in more of what you love. Stop being scared.

I am acutely aware that I am dying. It makes me want to live  X

Music stuff…

http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

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Day #233 – The Invitation.

Then, one day she decided to design a life she loved.

Then, one day she decided to design a life she loved.

I’m somewhat technically limited presently. I’m without laptop and constrained to this strange invention one calls an iPad. Honestly, not sure why anybody would have one. It’s just a massive phone. I could have put my cash towards one the other day, but I chose a bass over a computer. It’s all for the same cause. Far prettier than any laptop I’ve ever seen and she speaks a language I understand. I can’t complan… Not too much.

Instead of writing a blog today and hammering you with personal development ideas, I’m going to share this beautiful poem I read the other day. It is Christmas after all! And the Winter Solstice! That’s quite significant. Today is the perfect day to set your intentions for the coming year. This poem made me so happy and resonated with me on every level. It’s basically what I want to ask people the minute I meet them. Small talk is over rated. I hope it fits somewhere for you too.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperONE, San Francisco, 1999 All rights reserved. http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com

Ahh! That one. I love words.

Music news? Co wrote and recorded an awesome little song the other day down at Old School Studios. When I flew back from New York with Icelandair I also didn’t realise that they are the international version of ryanair. No food. No music. No movies.. No beers. Oh unless you pay extra for all of the above. Long haul, that SUCKS! But what I did have was a window seat, a notebook and a pencil. The original material is coming, slowly but surely. Tortoises are way cooler. They win too. I also just treated myself to a bass. Look out for these ninja fingers. And I had my first master class recording onto 8 track. Even managed to fit in washing and feeding the kids. God knows why I’m so tired.

Go CREATE X

What I would love for Christmas is for your jolly self to come find me on my other social media and follow and subscribe! If you find these posts helpful, share them with your friends!

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Day #200 – Light up the sky.

love

Isn’t that beautiful?

Look at a love like that indeed. It’s what I aspire to and how I want to live.

What I have found great comfort in recently is not to expect anything from anyone. You need to be able to provide everything for yourself. All of your basic needs, both emotional and physical. Provide them for yourself. You need to love and cherish yourself first. It gives you such a feeling of self empowerment. I think this is especially important in relationships. It is so easy to suddenly place all of your happiness and needs onto another person and get angry with them when they’re not meeting those expectations. It’s not healthy.

I don’t mean that I don’t expect people to be nice. Or treat you well. But having this expectation that somebody else needs to act a certain way, or do certain things for you, is crazy. I know that I have definitely fallen into that trap on occasion and for that I’m truly sorry. We get caught up. It’s a sure fire way to feel suffocated, trapped and kill each others creativity. In any relationship. Platonic or romantic. You were separate beings when you met and it’s why you liked each other. Why expect them to join your camp? Can’t the camps co exist? Why do we always need to know what, where and how things are going?

Love isn’t a possession or a noun. It’s an action and it’s a verb. Once you shift your thinking this way, you realise that nobody can take that away. It’s impossible. Love is a way of being. Even when somebody walks away from you, you can still hold your action. Nobody can take that away. Get busy being lovING rather than trying to possess and hold onto a love.

Do everything from a place of love! For the love of it. Not because you are going to get something out of it. Not because you think it’ll lead to something else. Not because it’s what you should do. Just for the sheer joy of it. For the sake of it. Watch the shift in opportunities and people in your life. It’s incredible.

I realise that I don’t need anything. From anybody. That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to accept help from people or invite love into my life. But acknowledging the difference between need and want seems to be the thing here. Who doesn’t want love? I just don’t need it from someone else to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be reliant on another person to keep me standing up. That’s been the shift. What I want and what I need are separate. I forgot how much I believe this. If you love, respect and appreciate yourself already, you really don’t need anybody else to. It doesn’t matter. Beauty is everywhere. Look for it. Look up! It’s right in front of you. Take the time to walk down the street only looking for beautiful things and moments. Concentrate on the good. Focus on the positive. Watch the shift. It’s instantaneous. 

Be like the sun. Light up the entire sky.

In other news, I’ve got 165 days left to complete my Cosmic Order. Erm record deal, where are you? I want my experiment to work because experiments that work are FUN! X

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Day #155 – Check your wolves.

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When you’re following a new path and you’ve set your intentions on something, I think it’s really easy to forget to look inside. When you’re chasing ideas and exploring possibilities everything is suddenly outside of yourself. It feels ‘right’ and it feels good! Because you’re being proactive and working towards something. It’s too easy to ignore your reality. Your people.

I’ve realised that there is a massive need to stop every now and then and evaluate. Centre yourself. Check yourself. Be quiet. Look at yourself. Who you’re being. Is everything OK?

If everything is not ok, then you need to stop and fix things before you carry on. It’s always about the foundations and what you are building on. If you’re building on crap, if you’re creating new projects on stress and neglected relationships, none of that is going to get better. You’re taking broken things into your future. They’ll only break more. If you want them you have to fix them. Immediately.

I read this and I almost cried. I have such a respect for Native American culture. It resonates with me on a level that I couldn’t even try to explain. I don’t think anything else really needs to be said.

Do this.

‘A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said ‘I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.’

The grandson asked him, ‘Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?’

The grandfather answered, ‘The one I feed.’

Don’t be so busy that everything around you starts crumbling. You need to take the good stuff with you as you move forwards and up. Check in with yourself regularly. Which wolf are you feeding? Is everything around you suffering? Or are you embracing your life with love?

Love is the antithesis of fear.

It’s not easy. It’s a journey. It’s a balance. It’s a juggling act.

But it’s beautiful.

Now if you’d just bare with me whilst I put my favourite people in my rucksack and let my angry wolf know that he’s sleeping outside tonight. X

In other news, I’m back in the studio this weekend. Pretty excited about that.

Come find me on my other networks. Let’s be buddies.

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Spread the love! x

Day #153 – Teething Problems.

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After my last post Day #147 – Master your time I thought I had this whole thing covered. I did. I had a plan. I wrote it down. What my plan didn’t take into consideration was that I’m not on my own. Maybe you’re not either. My plans can be numb chucked and karate kicked in the face by 4 significant others. One significant other is trying their personal best to make me stop this. Guess they’ve never heard that saying ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… ‘

I’m not going to stop. They can make it as hard as they like.

I finally have my recording equipment so I can record at home. The plan is to upload something new each week. My friend helped me install everything and showed me briefly what buttons to press. He made it look really simple. With hindsight, it’s his job. Today I came to recording my song. Oh my God. Honestly, I’m just hideous. I don’t know whether to puke or cry. It took an entire morning to stop the vocals sounding like Cher singing ‘Do you believe in life after love?’ Should I mention the first 20 minutes when I couldn’t get the mic to pick up any sound? I eventually pressed the power button. None of this comes naturally to me yet. I realised that I should have picked something much easier to record for my first go. Now I’m faffing around trying to put in backing vocals. Then the children came home. They make a lot of noise so it was game over for today. I also need to delete everything I recorded and start again. You’re telling me.

Sooooo as you can see, I’m encountering some teething problems.  I encounter teething problems with every single thing I set out to do. I guess that’s normal. I have learnt by now that the greatest things in life take the most effort. The awesome thing having encountered so many, mainly technical, issues is that having ploughed through them, I know I’ll find a way through this too. Google helps with that. As do some amazing friends. The things that I thought were impossible are now actually really easy. I know this will be the same.

On top of that thinking though, I need to change the way I approach new and technical situations. If I’m saying ‘I can’t, I’m not going to be able to, I’m not good at that’ before I’ve even tried, then the Law Of Attraction is just going to prove me right. And it does. Every single time. Think positive. Think yes.

Garageband. You’re mine.  X

Yo! If you’re not already come find me on my other social media websites for updates between blogs. Personally, I think Instagram is the most fun. Pictures are nice.

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Day #73 – I MADE A SONG!

Yeah I know, about freaking time right?!

Last night. Old Skool Studios. Jason. Nuclear bunker. Fun. Those are the main details. I need to shower and cuddle my family so I’ll write about it later but for now. Enjoy!

Haven’t mastered recording videos yet. I loved the ‘Super nice’ button on my friends old condenser. The olden days knew how to do stuff properly.

Thanks for following, supporting and sharing. You’re all little stars X

Day #71- Do what you can.

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Here we all are. We share the same land, we breathe the same air. We live in houses next door to each other. Our days are pretty similar. We have the same desires and worries. We have all been affected by most of the same issues. Yet here we all are. Walking around like perfect selfish strangers.

When did that happen? When did we all stop caring?

We watch a moving documentary on the tv and for it’s duration we are horrified or touched. We think to ourselves, how can this go on? This needs to change. We see the same old woman going in and out of her house alone every single day and think to ourselves, God she must be so lonely. Within a short while though, for the majority of people, their own lives take precedence again, they make a cup of tea, put the laundry on and carry on with their own narrative. Full of dramas. What could they do anyway? They’re just one voice. One person. Pointless trying…

I think it’s really important we change that kind of thinking. Everybody needs to do what they can. It’s our responsibility. To our planet and to our fellow humans. So often I hear people saying, I can’t. Why can’t you? You can. Stop being lazy. Stop making excuses. Stop being selfish! You can do something. We can all do SOMETHING.

If we all did something kind or helpful every day, even every week, the average Joe would be a lot happier. Doing good things makes you happy. The emotions of joy and enthusiasm resonate at higher frequencies. Where all the good things happen. If you’re inherently selfish, being kind can still work for you. The more you give, the more you get.

You might not be able to donate to a charity every month. You might not want to. I’m not sure I’d like to do that. Where does my money go? You know, it’s a bit of a vague giving… I personally donate each month to a little girl in India. That works for me. I understand it, I connect with it and I know that I’m helping another soul do and be something. I’d like to help all the little girls in the world. Right now, it’s all I can do financially. Not everyone can donate loads of money – look inside yourself – what CAN you do. Be the change you want to see. Be an inspiration. We can all offer something. What else could you do that doesn’t require money? We can help and be of service to others in so many different and creative ways. If you see somebody struggling physically or mentally – offer your help. Just be the way you’d like the world to be. Talk to strangers. Ask them if they are ok! Smile. Laugh. In a safe way of course.

When I go to London and I’ve forgotten my oyster card, which is pretty much every time, I have to buy a travel card for the tube. It’s not cheap. If I’m leaving London that same day, I like to give it away so that somebody else can use it. It makes perfect sense to me. There’s no strings attached. I’m not asking for anything. But if someone is a) queueing and b) paying for something which I have for free in my hand, why would I put it in the bin?! That’s nonsense. But it’s not as simple as it sounds. It is SO difficult to give something away. Sometimes I’ve almost lost hope and thought ‘Screw you all! Your loss’, but that would be giving up. You can’t give up on people. The last time was my favourite. I was on my own and all dolled up from an audition. I walked towards a man who smiled at me. He was queuing up. I said hi. He said hi. He looked pretty happy we were about to talk. I pulled out my ticket and… Before I said anything he was shaking his head and saying NO NO NO NO.  I’m hardly a threat. Oh I said. I was just going to give you my ticket. WHY???? He said. Well… because I’m leaving London and its valid for another 6 hours. It seems crazy to put in the bin. OH. He said. That’s very kind of you. YES. I said. I was just being kind. He still didn’t take the ticket. He refused to believe there were no strings attached. I stuck it on the machine.

People have this horrid view of the world where if things seem too good to be true, they probably are. What a place to be in! Use your common sense… Not all strangers are going to mug you. Infact, most AREN’T.

Part of my vision is getting this massive record deal. I mean massive. Cash is flying around all over the place. I have this piece of paper with a list of people and organisations that I want to help financially on it. I meet and see so many people that deserve it. If someone’s story or efforts touch me, I make a note of their name and why I wanted to help them. I look forward to the day that I’m in a position to do that. I don’t need lots of money for myself. It’s all about sharing it out for the greater good. For now I have to find other ways to help those on my list. I’ve always wanted to do that whole buying a coffee for someone in the morning who looks like they just really need some love. Ive never done it because of the above story. I am so scared of people rejecting my kindness that I don’t offer it in the first place. That’s ridiculous. If somebody rejects your kindness, at least a conversation may ensue… I don’t know. Maybe I should just crawl back into my shell and let the world carry on as it is. It’s just that I see a lot of potential.

Be Kind. X

 

For inspiration on how to spread the love and kind ideas check out this website.

http://www.randomactsofkindness.org

 

Liked this post? Like it. Share it. Follow it. Thank you for all of the support as always xxxx

 

Day #50 – Go vegan. Go nuts.

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Thought I’d done gone quit didn’t you? Thought I couldn’t take the heat and had thrown in the towel. I’ll admit it. I was almost there. This last week has been pretty dark and pretty sore. But I’m almost back in the game. I say almost because it still hurts to swallow.

Last Wednesday I started feeling a bit ill. I put it down to tiredness. Then I got a cold. We joked I had man flu. Massive sufferer. I was vaguely looking forward to lying on the sofa in the evening with blankets and lemsip and being pandered to. By Friday night my voice was incredibly deep… by Saturday night it had gone. Not really the kind of thing you want happening when you’re working on songs. You kind of just have to stop everything. Sunday still no voice. I was getting really stressed. But fine. It’s got to come back at some point. Colds don’t last that long. I tried to relax and rest. I ate lots of echinacea and hot drinks. Smoothied up everything I could get my hands on.

By Monday I was feeling like hell. I was really tired. I got up in the morning with our baby and couldn’t even look after her. I couldn’t stand up. I felt sick. My kidneys started hurting. My whole body was aching. I slept for hours. I decided that there was probably no point ever blogging again. I hadn’t done it for 4 days. I was a waste of space. I should probably just quit everything. I ridiculed myself for ever thinking I could pull this off. What a twat. I slept some more.

Tuesday brought me to the nurse’s room. The doctor doesn’t see you unless the nurse is worried. No temperature. My glands aren’t up. Drink lots and take paracetamol. I’m sitting there shaking and almost in tears. I left and felt like screaming. I shouted at Tommy instead. I told him that everything was a mess. There was no point in even trying to do anything ever because what’s the point. Everything is shit. I cried and went to sleep. Again.

I know what you’re thinking. What a mentalist. How can you go from blogging about being super positive and happy and chasing your dreams one minute to a crazy, negative, destructive bint in a matter of days?

Well apparently it’s a mixture of these 3 things. Minimal B vitamins for an entire month. Very little sugar for an entire month. And no fat. Consequently losing too much weight.

Ooops.

I watched this nasty documentary called ‘Earthlings’. It’s on youtube if you want to be sick. It’s about the human relationship with animals and how we think we are more important than them, so we feel it is ok to treat them badly for our own gain. It’s visually horrific. I was already vegetarian, but after watching that, the thought of drinking milk or eating eggs made me feel uneasy. I decided to go vegan. I thought that I researched it. When I was removing something from my diet, I was replacing it with something equivalent.

Erm except all of the above things which I clearly paid no attention to.

I found myself reading the symptoms of low blood sugar and I had every single one of them. From the mood swings to the palpitations. I also realised that I was malnourished. Even though all I had been eating was good things! So I ate a whole packet of rolos. That was for the blood sugar. Not the malnourishment. Within 5 minutes I felt like smiling. Then I just started eating. A lot. Much like the hungry caterpillar. On Wednesday I managed to stand up for longer than an hour without having to take a nap. I don’t think I went mental. I got out of bed and I cleaned my house. I ate a cookie. Then I bought a pot of double cream and drank from it. Cows are magic. Or so it would seem.

I am ethically unhappy about this. I still wholeheartedly believe in being a vegan. I think the way that we treat cows is pretty hideous. I think it would be hideous to treat any other being with so little respect. The same goes for large scale egg farms. Free range improves very little except for a few consciences. But I’m not an idiot. This is the second time in my life I’ve tried to be vegan and the second time I’ve been ill from it. I could and probably will at some point, see a proper dietician/nutritionalist and discuss where I went wrong and work out properly what I need to eat if I cut out all animal products. I’d like to do that. But right now, it’s not a priority. My family are. My health is. My project here is. I think to transfer to veganism effectively and healthily, you need to focus entirely on it. For all of the ‘I told you so’ people, I still disagree. Sucking milk from another animal is still plain unnatural! None of the other ones do it…

How is my singing going? I’m presently silent. I have an audition next Thursday that I have half prepared for. The rest I’m preparing in my head and hopefully my throat will be better in a few more days so I can start practicing out loud again. One track is almost recorded. I’m also going to try and book some studio time and get a bunch of stuff recorded at once until I learn how to do it myself. The steps that I’ve made and am making are smaller than what I had imagined. At times that has made me feel like a failure, but what does that mean anyway?

‘The law of experience is always perfect.’ – Louise L. Hay

I’ve experienced what I projected. Louise L. Hay argues that if things don’t work out the way you imagined or hoped them to work out, it’s because you have an inner belief that you’re not worthy or don’t deserve it. If we set standards that are simply too high for where we are right now, we are set to ‘fail’.

We need to remember that before you become the master or expert that you want to be, you have to practice and keep trying and trying and trying. You need to listen to your body. Look after it. Jump over the hurdles and when you feel like drowning, hold your breath and kick even harder. X

 

 

 

 

Day #41 – One door closes. One door opens.

It’s true. That’s how life works.

But first. I’m going to play this really loud. Then I’ll think positive. If you’ve had a bad day. Do this too.

Thank you Martha. You saved my day.

I went to London a couple of weeks ago to audition for one of these big reality singing shows. I think I signed a paper saying I can’t talk about it so we are just going to call it a reality show. Yup. Everyone’s got a view on them. Here’s mine – the music business has changed. It’s not like the old days. Maybe that is good. Maybe that is bad. It just is. If you want to be massive, you play ball. A bit. To begin with. It’s a foot in. And I’m not too proud, self righteous or too much of a music snob to say it. Perhaps if I was a musician making my own music I would feel different. I’m not. I’m a singer. I want to sing other peoples stuff. Worked for Sinatra. Works just fine for me. I would ride that marketing wave and take everything I could get from it. It opens up all kinds of opportunities that the 4 walls in my house cannot.

I actually swore I would never audition for anything like that again though. I have done it twice. Once for the X factor. Once for The Voice. The X factor was a long time ago and they were so inundated with auditionees they didn’t even let me finish my verse… there were 2 women sitting opposite me, who made me feel really intimidated and I could see them shaking their heads at each other by the time I’d hit the second line. I felt like such a loser. I was thinking ‘Why am I even still singing?! I can see you shaking your heads!’ I felt pretty crappy about myself after that, and decided it wasn’t worth the trauma. Plus the sheer volume of people applying. Your chances are pretty slim. What are they looking for anyway? The Voice was actually really nice to audition for. But again, I didn’t even get through the first audition and there are thousands and thousands of people…

So when I got an email inviting me to audition for a show like this again, my initial thought was ‘No Way…’ But then I thought, I’m looking for a record deal right? Here’s an opportunity. I’m going to take it. If an opportunity falls in my path at the moment, I’m gobbling them up like candies.

Everything felt really synchronatic. They invited me to audition in London but I couldn’t make it. I was going to New York. I didn’t mind, just thought it wasn’t meant to be. The lady told me she’d add me to the tbc list but I never heard back. I forgot about it. I had my blog, cosmic order plan. When I got an email out of the blue again, I thought I should really go. I’d managed to skip a stage of auditions. It felt like something was on my side. Arriving at the venue though, there were so many people and my heart sank. Why was I wasting my time again? I was surrounded by all of these pristine looking.. kids actually… and I felt like an intruder. Dont get me wrong – there were some incredible singers. But it wasn’t my scene at all… I need a good polish. I could see people auditioning upstairs in a room with a glass wall and as I watched I just felt sick. I hate auditions. Sell yourself in a minute. Pick the wrong song- out. Wear the wrong thing- out. Stumble on your words – out. You’re being judged and scrutinised from head to toe. It’s ROUGH!

I used everything I’ve been reading and learning about. I ignored all of my fears and I just visualised the outcome I wanted. I visualised myself in the glass room upstairs. I was pretty sad when they led me in a different direction away from the room upstairs and down a corridor. Being surrounded by really confident, amazing singers right before you audition is also really off-putting. I’m suddenly in a room with two tv producers who look incredibly familiar. We chat like we’re friends. I sing. They give me great feedback and I’m through. Just like that. I’ve got the ticket. Now I’ve got to go to the room upstairs to see the A & R guy. I’m upstairs. We chat. We laugh. Everything’s going great. I sing. I sing again. We chat. He tells me what a great audition it was blah blah blah. I know that they don’t tell you it’s great out of courtesy. They shake their heads, say thanks and you leave. I’ll hear in 2 weeks.

Today I heard. Thanks. But no thanks. Out of the hundreds of thousands of people that auditioned you got to the last wave. You got to the final stage. You almost made it. Better luck next time. I’m playing Martha Wainwright again.

Normally I let auditions slide. You have to. You hear ‘No’ a lot. You can’t let it affect you. It’s the nature of the business isn’t it? No no no no no no no no no no no no YES no no no no no no no no no no. If you haven’t given up and got bored trying after a zillion ‘No’s then you’ll get your ‘Yes’. It’s just this time, I guess it’s because it’s the closest I’ve actually come to getting somewhere. I was surrounded by pictures and photos of celebrities and tv awards in cabinets. I could feel it. I could almost touch it. I was there. And I didn’t screw up. For once, I didn’t screw up. I did my absolute best. I am one of the most hard working people, I know that I can do this. Just not with that ticket apparently. I don’t understand why.

Sometimes we’re so busy chasing something we want that we forget to look behind us. Maybe something better is trying to catch up. I’m grateful for the opportunity I just experienced. For the people that I met. The people I shared my ideas and passions with. I’m grateful for the positive feedback. I’m grateful because it’s made me want it even more. At the moment, I am visualising myself as a cartoon game character with a key. The point of the game is to find the door that my key unlocks. Each door is an opportunity. This was one door. I really hoped that my key would open it, but alas, it was not to be. Good job there are other doors to try and I know where to find them. I just have to hold on tight to my key. Otherwise you pick up another key and you have to start trying all the old doors again. I like my key. I’m sticking with it. Let’s hope Will.I.Am gobbles me up instead. My pregnant dream come true *swoon*. If that doesn’t work out I’ve got other ideas. And if all else fails, I can always start my own record label and release my own music. Because apparently, you can just do that. Think you have to record something first though….

Come on doors. Open up. Or at least supply a stable. X

Day #29 – Appreciation and Gratitude.

When you focus too much on the problems in your life and the things you lack, you not only put all the energy in the wrong place, you become blind to the beauty that is all around you. You simply can’t get and won’t be given any more, until you appreciate what you already have and are grateful for it. Everything that you already have is enough. Yes you want more. But just stop a minute to say thank you for all that you have already. Because you have a lot. All of us do.

Can you love your life with all that you have presently? Can you be happy without the ‘more’ that you’re chasing? It’s a tough one. But we need to be. That’s real gratitude. The good news is that once you can actually do that, there’s no tricking the universe, more will flow your way. Our sense of lack and high expectations actually block us from all that we could be.

Make a list of all of the positive things in your life. Make a list of all your favourite things in your life. Fill your paper with it.  Make lists of things that you love. People you love. Smells you love. Every day just write it all down. If you go to a restaurant look for your favourite things. Expect the best. Make it a daily thing. Write lists and lists and lists of the great things in your life. However small you deem them. Think about how much time you spend typing on Facebook, twitter, text messages, iMessages, emails. You’ve clearly got the time. This will also make you glow like no expensive beauty cream ever can or will. Double whammy.

Remember that sciencey post on Day #27 about vibrations? By appreciating and being grateful for all of the positive and good things in your life, you will begin to shift into a new vibrational frequency. Let’s call it the appreciation zone. Suddenly, you’ll stop complaining and criticising. You will be attracted to better things. Things that only increase this feeling of gratitude. When you’re in this zone – actual magic happens. Well you know, it’s not magic magic, but can’t we just call it that because it sounds more whimsical? Must we always be so serious…

So say ‘Thank you”. All the time. Wake up and say it. Think it. Feel it. Be thankful in the shower, on your way to work. When you have food. When you have clean water. When somebody calls you. That you are warm. Be thankful. Make it a habit. A way of being. Even repeating the word ‘Thank you’ over and over and over again will begin to shift your mind from the negative and complaining zone to a brighter and clearer one.

If you have a spare ten minutes I really recommend watching this. Stick with it. It’s got some wise words and pictures.

(If you’re viewing this in your email you need to click on the link to my wordpress site and view the video within that.)

Be thankful for the things you want but don’t yet have. Feel them. Be grateful. Your words, thoughts and feelings CREATE your reality. X