Tag Archives: happiness

Day #262 – It is what it is what it is.

 

The last 3 months I have been in proper turmoil with myself. My mind has been a chaotic, confused, helpless space. I’ve been waging this weird war inside my head. Struggling, beating myself up, questioning, begging… trying to fix things. Find things. Find an answer to all of this.

But then one day, I just decided from somewhere that it was enough now. I have to accept things as they are. Which you know… got me thinking.

When somebody tells you to ‘accept things’ we automatically associate that with settling. With not striving. With making do. With not trying to make things better. I’ve learnt that actually, it’s not that at all. Accepting is not the same as resigning yourself to the situation that you are so desperately trying to escape or better.

There’s absolutely no point in struggling against the things that you cannot change. Or the people you cannot change. Wishing that things were different. What could have been. What might be. If you just do this. Just do that… Stop! Accept things literally as they are. Right now. Even if you don’t like it. It’s the absolute and fundamental first step. This is your present moment.

No amount of wishing your situation away or rejecting it is going to make it go away. Rather than getting angry about it, blaming other people for it or shouting about how downright unfair life is, just accept that this is where you are right now. This is what is at your table. Have a good look at it. Get to know it. How does it make you feel? By looking at it square on, you know exactly what you’re playing with. If you don’t like it, it’s absolutely possible to change it, but you must accept it first. It’s imperative. Also the more you struggle and work against what you’re being dealt, the more energy you’re giving it. Have we learnt what that does yet? Makes it bigger. Stop feeding it.

We all have real life covering us. With real life comes responsibilities and restrictions at different times. One minute you’re flying high and the next you’re getting punched in the guts. Welcome to life! I know that I’m guilty of wishing some of my responsibilities away at different times. I’ve had this constant battle inside of late to push things forward quickly. This constant worry that if I don’t act immediately everything will pass me by and I’ll only be left with ‘real life’. The thought terrifies me. This music thing HAS to happen for me. I literally don’t even know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. But with that thought, comes a constant state of striving and looking to the future. Waiting. When’s it going to happen? Have I screwed it up? What if that was my best and only option? What I’ve started to do instead is just accept that this right here is where I am. It’s neither good or bad. It’s just my place. It’s very different to the place I was in 6 months ago and I’m sure in 6 months from now, I’ll say the same. I’ve decided to stop struggling. Here is where I am, and actually, looking around… It’s pretty sweet. I am so fortunate.

Trust that everything is unfolding just as it should. Every single situation that you find yourself in is preparing you for your desired goal. Your divine purpose. I remember when I first started and I thought I’d never get anyone to read my blog, I had no idea how I was going to even record a song. The band that I’m in were played on BBC Radio 6 music last night. Could I have foreseen that? Expected it? Absolutely not. If you look back 6 months at your own life, you’ll see that too. Stop trying to swim upstream and flap around. You’ll drown. Come this way. Float down the river.

Accepting things doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing. By no means. Nothing happens if you don’t work hard for it. Accepting things is a state of mind. Observe and accept that where you are and what you are doing right at this moment has it’s own role in your grand scheme. As you begin to accept your current self you can also plan for a brighter future. You’ll be able to see much more clearly where and what you you need to stop fighting with.

Sometimes the things that we have to accept aren’t things that we have inflicted on ourselves. They are nobody’s fault and out of everybody’s control. But as soon as we accept and own our situation, a certain power fills your bones. You’re back in control and you can look at things in a more manageable way. This is what you’ve got. What are you going to do with it? How are you going to deal with it?

Nobody said it was easy x

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Day #171 – Be a beautiful butterfly.

roald-dahl-2

I’m working through a section in my Cosmic Ordering book, the one by Stephen Richards, which teaches you to empty yourself of ‘Catastrophic Vibrational Negativity’. It runs through a bunch of areas in our lives we can eliminate negativity so that we attract more of what we want and are open to greatness.

We all have bad thoughts sometimes. We all think badly about something or someone at some point in our lives. We’re human. It would be nice if we could stop it though wouldn’t it?

Judging other people creates bad karma for yourself. Whaaat? How does that work?! You hear about someone who is doing something really terrible. You judge them, brand them as a bad person, you think you’re better than them in some way. They must have really bad karma now. Well, yes, maybe. But you do too. Sorry aboot that…

Thoughts are energy. Energy vibrates at different frequencies. Whilst causing harm to other people is a negative and low frequency, so is judging. We are not Gods. We are not here to judge other people and their actions. We are here to live our own truths. We can discourage others to do harmful things. We can disagree with their actions even. Judging is something different. It’s negative. And remember, what you put out, you get back three fold.

Ain’t so fun wearing the judges hat now is it.

I used to be guilty of judging others when it came to parenting. I guess most parents are. It’s horrible. I didn’t mean to. But I’d see a wild child being given treats or a mother calling her child a’ see you next Tuesday’ and I couldn’t help but judge them. I’d label them as bad parents in my mind… Then I had some more children and I actually understand now. I’m at home calling my baby all names under the sun because she won’t stop crying and bribing my toddler with candy so she eats her dinner because I’m so ridiculously tired and I realise, I’m just the same. Who am I to judge? I’m just hiding it better.

We all have a Hitler in us. And we all have a Mother Teresa. We just have to decide which one we are going to nourish. Louise Hay said that. She’s full of wisdom.

Let’s nourish Miss Teresa.

Rather than judging other people, their decisions and their lives why don’t we try something else? Why don’t we offer to help? For example, if I see a mother in the street not coping with her child, rather than walking past and frowning at her as she publically swears at her child, what if I asked her if she’s ok? Can I do something to help her? I could listen to her. I could sympathise with her. Alright, so maybe she might not appreciate that exactly. But we can usually tell whether or not it would help to get involved. I don’t know what is going on with her in her life. I read once that if we all knew each other’s history and life story it would be impossible to feel anything but love.

That’s just an example. You’ll have to work out what yours is and how you’re going to address it. Drop me a line if you need some help working it out. It’s not always so clean cut. You can find out how to contact me via the ‘contact’ tab funnily enough

We also judge our friends and our family members. How they’re living their lives. Why aren’t they doing this? Why ARE they doing that? We wouldn’t do it like that. They can’t be happy. This one always gets me – how they are spending their money! Who cares how other people are spending their money!? It’s theirs! Worry about your own. The only reason people judge others financial situations is fear and jealousy. Take care of your own chickens.

If you don’t like to be judged. Don’t judge others. It’s not our place and it’s not nice. X

You know the drill… If you missed my last post, you should check out my youtube channel. There’s a new tune up with another on its little way!

Twitter- www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagram – www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Merci buckets Xxx

Day #121 – Be more dog.

Happy dog.

Happy dog.

Today I was really organised. I set aside time to write. Tommy’s taken the kids out to the park. I’m home alone with the cat, bathing in the sunshine through the window. Just ate a spoon of hummus. Not a bad day. Even got some flowers on the table. Feeling super focused and determined. Come on Autumn. Let’s have you.

Flicking through some books for inspiration I found a passage that was just perfect. I could re word it, add to it, fluff it up a bit. But I just don’t think it’s necessary.

Quite simply. Be more dog.

‘If a dog were your teacher

These are some of the lessons you might learn…

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy

 

When it’s in your best interest

practice obedience

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory

Take naps and stretch before rising

Run, romp and play daily

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do

On warm days stop to lie on your back on the grass

On hot days drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree

When you’re happy dance around and wag your entire body

 

No matter how often you’re scolded

don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout

run right back and make friends

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm

Stop when you have had enough

Be loyal

Never pretend to be something you’re not…

 

If what you want lies buried

dig until you find it

When someone is having a bad day

be silent …

… sit close by.

…. and nuzzle them gently.’

– Author unknown

 

What a beautiful way that would be to live. X

Thank you for all the support and messages of encouragement. I really appreciate it! Please like, follow and share as always xxx

Check out my recent posts in the side bar or click on the menu button above for more info about Cosmic Order.

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Want to hear some music? Check out my hungry youtube channel. More music coming soon!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTIMHP8zK4dFCAZnMBhJ_Mw

Day #83 – Motivation

True that.

True that.

 

Gahhhhhhh it is so hard to stay motivated sometimes.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have bothered continuing with my music dream. I’ve vaguely tried singing before. I ran away from it. It was too hard. Too scary. Too much. The fact that I sort of publicly broadcast my ambition is pretty much the only thing keeping me on track now. I feel like I can’t quit or fail because I’m busy preaching how we can all get what we want. If I quit, I think I’d feel quite crushed. If my theory doesn’t work, well, what else is there? What would I do then? It scares me. This has to work. But it doesn’t make it any easier….

Finding the ‘right’ time to sit down and write is my biggest issue. We have 3 children. Two of them are under 3. They’re intense little buggers. It’s actually an impossibility whilst looking after them to do anything else. I’ve just started having regular showers again. That in itself feels like a luxury. My boyfriend gets time priority during the day, for obvious reasons, he’s bringing home the bacon. My little project. My hobby. It’s not bringing in anything so I have to fit it in. Around 3 children. A boyfriend. A house. A cat. And a rabbit. It doesn’t matter how important this is to me. I have to accept that for now. You wait ’til I’m bringing home the bacon. But it’s still hard to deal with, even if I know that’s the truth of the situation. I have to write in the evenings. Once everyone is asleep. It’s usually at least 9.30pm before I’m being productive and my mind feels in any sort of creative state. If I’m tired, I sit here and procrastinate for a while. Think of valid reasons why I shouldn’t write. Sometimes I feel like punching myself in the head and screaming I can’t do this! All whilst the cat is attacking my feet, biting my big toe, under the table. Honestly, God, if you’re up there. I think I’ve been tested enough. Please and thank you.

If I want to succeed though, I HAVE to find motivation out of that. That’s my situation. It’s not going to change. Even if I quit this, it wouldn’t change. Perhaps I’d just be watching TV in the evening instead. Or drinking some wine. I’d be drinking a lot of wine, to numb the feeling of failure. My big toe is still going to get bit and neither of those activities are going to bring me closer to what I want. It’s the same for you too. Your situation will remain the same until you change what you do every day. I am reading an amazing book called ‘The War of Art’ by Steven Pressfield at the moment. Esquire said that it was a kick in the ass. I sort of agree. Thank you Mr. Weavepocket. It’s keeping me going.

What I’ve found to help over the past few weeks is to keep your goal in mind. If you’ve been really specific about your desired outcome it’s easy. If you’re having a bad day, considering putting things off until tomorrow, procrastinating or thinking negatively, just think about the outcome. If you put off until tomorrow what are you going to acheive? Nothing. You’ll be in exactly the same situation tomorrow. That’s if tomorrow even comes. If you do it now, you’re moving forwards. What you have your sights on is one step closer. How important is that to you? Prove it. Do it. Even if you can only manage a fairy step today. It’s a step.

Set aside some time. If I can find some, you sure as hell can too. Now use it. Even if you don’t feel like it. You don’t want to. You’re not in the mood. Use the time you’ve set aside. Even if what you produce is rubbish, at least you’ve produced something. You have to do this again and again and again, until your mind and body get into a new pattern. That you work regardless of being inspired. Regardless of feeling motivated. Regardless if there is something better you would like to be doing. Learn new habits. Dedicate yourself to your work. It’s the only road to success.

That apparently is the difference between an amateur and a pro. Play for keeps X

 

 

 

 

If you’re not already, come join me!

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Day #79 – Some people hate tea. You can’t be their cup.

You can't control the judgements of others. Stop caring.

You can’t control the judgements of others. Stop caring.

No self help or music tonight folks.

The other day I met someone who started asking me about my blog. I didn’t bring it up. They’d ‘never’ read it. But absolutely wanted to talk about it. They didn’t understand it. They didn’t get why I was doing this. Why I was broadcasting my journey. Why it was so important for me to ‘make it’. If I’m really interested in singing and music then I should just be happy creating and sharing it. Why am I so hung up on hitting the big time? What has a blog got to do with it? They were a little… condescending to say the least.

To anybody else thinking the same, I’d first like to point you in the direction of the ‘about’ tab, where it explains most of that. In addition, I’m writing this blog for 2 reasons. Maybe 3. First of all, it’s a diary. A journey. A notebook. It keeps me going when I feel like quitting. I know that I can’t, because I have made a commitment. Not just to myself anymore. I can track my progress. I can see where I’ve been and where I’m going. Secondly. It’s an experiment. I’m trying out a theory. Everybody can get what they want if they work hard enough and act like a boss. Thirdly. We live in the 21st century. Had to google that – not going to lie. Social media is where it is at. I’m publicly broadcasting my journey so that other people might feel inspired. Im broadcasting it because I want the right person to notice it. Pick it up. Pick me up.

I don’t personally see the shame in that.

The question was still there though? Why? Why is that important to you? I don’t get it…

Well, erm, other people matter to me. People I know. People I don’t know. I think people matter. I know a lot of people and have met a lot of people. I co exist and share the planet with other people and I can see a lot of them are sad. They’re done in. Fed up. Burned out. Depressed. Consumed by a rat race. A lot of people feel out of control, they’re stuck in ruts, they’re angry. At their wits end. Full of anxiety. Surely life was meant to be better than this. I’m doing this for those people. I think that a lot of the time the core issue for all of these problems is people not living their own truths. As a result of fear people haven’t chased their dreams and are hellbent on blaming everything and everyone else for it. That dream could be as simple as getting a job. Going on holiday. Joining a club. So here I am. I’m going to chase my dream. I’m going to face my fears and I’m going to jump. If I can do it. That means you can too. Jump with me. Let’s all get busy being happy. As for the self help style posts. I’m just sharing what I’m learning so that it might help you too. That is all. No I don’t want to be a self help writer now. I still want to be a singer.

But why do you need to be massive? Why is that so important to you? I don’t get it.

I actually don’t care about fame at all. This isn’t about fame. It’s about cash. People recoil at this. I’m not greedy for money. So far from it. I’m greedy for the change I can bring about with it’s help. Everybody knows that the music industry is extremely hard to make a living out of. There are bands that have been around for years, making incredible music, touring the world, that should be earning great money as musicians. They’re not. They’re still doing day jobs in between. There are great musicians that never even made it that far. Still slogging a 9-5 job they hate. Sitting on untapped talent. A lot have to quit music because they just can’t afford it anymore. They start a family. Life happens. So I could join that club. I would be happy and honoured to do all of the above. Life has already happened in this camp. But it’s not just music that is important to me. Or driving me. The world is too. There are people and causes and things that I would like to pump money into. Projects I want to create. Already existing charities that I want to support. Individuals I have watched struggle. I want so much cash so I can give it away. If I want to make as much money as I do, to support as many things as I want to support, and I also want to create music. It’s kind of a no brainer.  There isn’t really another choice. If I can bring attention and cash to important causes and inspire people to care more for our communities then my work is done.

Ive tried not doing music. I’ve tried politics and development. I’ve tried fundraising. I’ve tried volunteering. All have been great experience and I keep my fingers in all of those pies. Ive learnt something from all of it. But it’s not what I want to do. I’m not satisfied as a fundraiser or a budding politician. I want to be a singer. Ive always wanted to be a singer. I’ve always avoided being a singer. You can’t live a fulfilling and happy life if every day you’re pushing in the wrong direction, against your own grain. No sir.

Anybody else want a pop? X

 

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Day #77 – The making of.

Old School Studios

Old School Studios

It feels like ages ago now that I made my first recording and rather than writing about it I want to get   back in there and make more and do more. It was so much fun. I learnt so much and am feeling  insanely lucky to be surrounded by such great and talented people.

I’ve known Jason for 4 years. He’s a sound man. A radio DJ. A guitarist. A drummer… He has a recording studio. He records bands. Why it’s taken me this long to ask him for help I don’t know… I guess I was terrified. I was even more terrified once I started watching him work. I was beyond impressed. Here is a guy who has arranged every tile on the ceiling in his studio at a specific angle so it sounds ‘just so’. His attention to detail borders ocd but you know what? It pays off.

His studio, Old School Studios, is in an old nuclear bunker built towards the end of The Cold War. I had no idea this place even existed. At the back of a carpark, almost lost under grass, behind a governmental building. It’s insane. As Jason lifted the massive creaky iron latch on the elephant sized door and we headed into the bunker, I was slightly apprehensive. There are no windows. No phone signal. An emergency escape hatch. There are even food stores! Give me a call if there’s a nuclear war. I know where the hideout is.

The studio itself looks like Austin Powers designed it and as he records mainly analogue, it’s like a museum of music equipment. He has selected everything so perfectly and understands exactly what each piece of vintage equipment does and how to get the best from it. He has kept making and recording music as a mastered art form.

photo 1

Ampex 601 tube preamp

 

Jason working his magic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most of the equipment we used dates from the 1940s/50s but we (Jason) managed to create a really slick, commercial sounding pop song. The majority of  music that inspired me to sing in the first place dates from this period so it felt kind of special and apt that we would record this way. The instruments were all recorded one at a time live. There was no auto tune. Or retakes. The drums were recorded with one mic. If it didn’t sound right, we moved another sound board covered in 70s fabric over. We didn’t have headphones. I sang into an RCA varacoustic ribbon mic in the control room taking breaks to cut up limes for my beer with my swiss army knife. We recorded a backing vocal. Layered it on. Another. Layered it on. Another! Layered it on. Recorded it through an Ampex 601 tube preamp. 6 hours later we left with a finished track.

My favourite thing about recording this way is that you get to hear what you ACTUALLY sound like. If you don’t like it, the only thing you can do is improve. Or press the ‘super nice’ button. Im sure that’s not technically true. But that’s how I want to do things. I want everything to be and feel homemade. I want to see it being made so I can feel it too. I am still amazed that equipment this old and recording this simply can produce such a great finish.

If you missed it the other day, here’s the link to our track. There will be more coming soon! Get in touch if you have any requests.

The other great thing is Jason wants to record some more.

Excellent Smithers X

As always, if you are enjoying my blog, please follow, like and share. Thank you for all the great feedback. Spread the love x

Old School Studios is based in Norwich, UK and owned by Jason. For more info check out his Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/oldschoolstudiosnorwich

 

 

Day #64 – Cosmic craft.

Example board.

Example board. Can be as full as you like.

Seeing things really helps you believe in them. By collecting a bunch of images and words that represent the life we want, our mind begins to believe that it is ours. When placed somewhere the board can be seen every day, it acts as a reminder to us what is important and what we are working towards. It keeps us focused. All big businesses and corporations use this technique. Mood boards. Product boards. Customer boards. Keeping what they want in mind at all times.

If you do what I outline below, I can assure you that not only will you immediately feel happier and brighter, you will feel a lot more focused and what you want will feel within reach. Yes I know. It feels like a massive task. It requires you to actually DO something. Not just read about being a better person. Or read about changing the way you think. I’m asking you to pick up a pair of scissors and a glue stick. It’s a daunting task..

What you’re going to need:

  • Piles of magazines/newspapers (it’s what you’ve been saving them all for ladies)
  • If you have none of the above print out images from your computer
  • Glue or something else sticky.
  • Scissors
  • A large piece of card/paper etc to act as your board.

Step 1.

Literally flick through any old magazines, newspapers and leaflets. Anything that you don’t mind tearing apart. Look for words that stand out to you. Images that attract you. They can be people. Places. Cartoons. Big words. Small words. Anything that stands out. It doesn’t need to make sense at this point. Trust your instincts. You’ll understand at a later date. Over the next year or so. Want a new partner? Look for pictures of people together that you perceive to be ideal. Images of hearts. The word LOVE. Want to go on holiday? Images of where you would like to go. Want to be healthier/thinner? Images of your ideal body shape, healthy foods, people exercising. You get the idea? You want it? Cut it out. Just be careful not to get sucked into the adverts and fake ideals. Remember this is about what YOU want. Not what the media tells you to want. If you can’t find the image you want, print it off the computer. This is not only a great exercise to get you focusing on your actual goals, it’s also making you go through piles of old magazines that needed to be thrown away anyway. It’s all about killing two birds.

My pile of life.

My pile of life.

Step 2.

Look at all your clippings. How do they make you feel? If any make you feel anxious in a bad way or tense, then perhaps reconsider them or look at the reasons why you think you want that particular thing. Your little pile should make you feel warm and happy. This is your pile of life. What you want. What you desire. What you can achieve. Make sure you have everything that you want. Don’t worry about how you’ll get it. Mine includes a horse. God knows where I’d even put a horse but I really like stroking their faces. You might need to add a few images to it at a later date. That’s fine. Doesn’t mean you can’t start it right now.

Step 3.

Grab your board. It can be anything. If you’re really stuck use your cereal box. Don’t make excuses. You’ll have something you can use! Now just relax and enjoy sticking your desires onto said board. As you stick each word/image try to connect with it. Imagine you have it already. The more engaged we are with this, the quicker the universe will bring it to you. Like attracts like. If you vibrate at the same frequency as the things you want, you’ll attract them quicker. It’s that simple.

Place your board somewhere that you will see it every day. Look at it and get excited. This just helps speed things up. If you’re not keen having it on show in your house, perhaps you can pin it up inside your wardrobe door or something. Personally I don’t think you should be embarrassed or shy away from your desires. Sharing your dreams also just speeds up the delivery. You’ll be so amazed a year down the line when you look back at this vision board and see just how much of it you actually achieved. It’s a great feeling. An extension of this is to use images of the things you really want on your phone/computer screen saver. Wash your brain in images of what you want.

Now isn’t that much easier to see than it was the mess in our head?

Time to get to work X

 

 

 

 

Day #43 – What’s your calling?

tumblr_n5fjecvbTe1tbu5cxo1_1280One of the first things that a lot of people said to me when I shared my plans with them was ‘It’s ok for you, you know what you want to do, I’m lost. I have no idea what I want to do…’ Well actually, no, it took a while to get to this point. I’d had enough. I was tired of ignoring what I really wanted to do. It didn’t come easy. I worked at it.

I spoke to one woman who had this issue. I just didn’t understand how you couldn’t know at all what you wanted. I can understand that perhaps there are many things you want and you flit between all of them so end up with nothing because your focus is all over the place. But not knowing what you want AT ALL in my mind shows a real disconnection in yourself. You can’t possibly know yourself or be paying any attention to what it is that you’re interested in. What you’re passionate about. My first point of advice in that instance would be to take time out and listen to yourself. The people I have come across with this issue are so caught up in what they think they should be doing or what other people expect them to be doing. They’ve been doing that for so long, that they have lost contact with themselves. After a mere 15 minutes of digging between ‘I really like this but I don’t know…’ and ‘Well what I’ve always wanted to do is this but I don’t know’, I repeated back what she had told me. She told me exactly what she wanted to do. She just couldn’t hear it herself. Whether she does it is another thing. But saying ‘I don’t know what I want’, no longer cuts it.

There are so many reasons why your ‘calling’ is lost in a grey area. We don’t listen to ourselves anymore. We’re so busy, living our lives, living other peoples lives, keeping up with the latest trends and appearances. We are so worried with how other people perceive us. What are people going to think? Is this cool enough? Am I an idiot/geek for wanting to explore this? What if I fail? Are people going to laugh at me? Can I make money doing that? All of these excuses, why would your inner self want to rise up and be met with all of that? It’s up to you to make it feel welcome.

I have had the same notebook for 9 years. I have a few on the go. This one is full of all of my ideas. All of them. Beekeeping. Writing a children’s book. Artwork. Keeping chickens. Feng shui maps. Roundwood timber framing. A few pages in, I have written a list. It’s called ‘Interests/ideas’. I forgot all about it. I must have wrote it after I graduated 4 years ago. I had no idea what to do… My whole world had changed during my time at university. I decided to write down all the things I was particularly interested in at that time.

My List.

Photography. Singing. Social worker with refugees. Orphanage. Tefl. Children. Circus. Buying some land. Building huts.

Without actually even realising I explored all of these things. Social worker is scribbled out. I looked into that and shook my head a lot. I did some volunteering with a refugee group. The work they were doing was great, but not what I was after. I looked into doing a TEFL course. That appealed to me because I want to travel. On closer inspection though, I struggle to speak the english language. I have zero interest in it. Have you seen my grammar? Another one crossed off. Children. I had some. Photography. I got a camera, played with it. Read about it. Realised that whilst I like to take pictures sometimes, my brain turned off at the mention of technical words. We looked into buying some land and building an eco camp site. Couldn’t be bothered with all of the red tape and planning and bureaucracy that goes along with it. Didn’t want it enough yet. I threw myself into circus classes. I took the 7am train every Saturday down to London to learn trapeze. God, I loved it. Hanging upside down is one of my favourite things to do. I want to get back into that, but it’s a hobby not a calling. Orphanage. I found a charity, SOS Children, that are pretty much doing everything I wanted to create in a charity already. I support them now by sponsoring a child and doing fundraisers here and there. I want to be an ambassador for them and help to continue their incredible work around the world.

The whole time I was singing.

I firmly believe that deep down you know exactly what it is that you want to do. Perhaps there are a few things that you could imagine doing and the problem is whittling it down to one to focus on. Write them all down. Even if they sound or feel ridiculous. You need to explore all of your ideas so you’re not always wondering ‘What if’. You’ll know. Pick your favourite, the one that feels right for now. Play with it. Focus on it. Strive for it. Put everything into that one thing. You should feel excited and passionate. If you don’t, then maybe it’s not right. Maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe you should just be honest with yourself.  It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work out. It’s one thing off your list and one step closer to discovering what you really want. I read that a really good way to see if you’re lying to yourself is to ask yourself questions whilst looking yourself in the eye in the mirror. Questions like ‘Am I really happy doing this?’ Apparently it’s impossible to look yourself in the eye and lie without realising it. I’ve been having chats with myself in the mirror since I was a kid. Don’t think I’ve ever lied.

With hindsight, the reason why I was so lost, the reason why I didn’t know what to do, was because I knew exactly what it was that I wanted to do but I was ignoring it. I was scared of it. Singing isn’t a real job. Whether you are good or not is subjective. Can I support myself on singing? You tell people you want to be a singer and they say ‘Nice, but what do you really want to do?’ Who knows where this singing will go. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m exploring it. I’ll never regret not exploring it. I’ll never regret not pushing for it. That feels amazing in itself. My chest feels better. I feel like I’m alive. Like I’m being honest with myself and absolutely on the right path. But it wasn’t just handed to me on a plate. See above. I explored. And I’m pushing for it. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve always held the belief that whatever you want to do, you can do. Test that theory. It might not be easy but if you’re willing to put the effort in, it’s yours. X

Day #39 – Ladies and babies and work.

 

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Since starting this and having 3 children I have noticed many disparities with the way our society in this country (UK) works. I knew that these flaws were there previously, but because they didn’t directly affect me, I wasn’t really that bothered. It’s like that with most people and most issues. If it doesn’t directly affect you, we walk on. If you’ve ever stopped to read my ‘About’ section, I mention that one of my driving forces to becoming a big singer, is the public voice that comes with it. I’ve studied politics and have absolutely no interest in being a politician or even beginning to play with the governments long winded, bureaucratic nonsense. But I’d like a public voice and then I’d like to do what Brian May did for badgers. But for people.

Ladies, families. I’m starting with you.

I wouldn’t say that I’m a feminist. I’m a woman and I believe and want equality. If I was a man, I would want the same. But I wouldn’t call myself a masculinist if I was a man either. Just learnt that word. Awesome. I think everyone needs to take their labels and hats off and just relax a little bit about it all.

The thing is though, I am a woman, so I can only really talk about things from my own perspective. Do not take this as an argument against men. It is not. It’s an argument against the way our system currently works. I love men. When it suits me. See. I’m a woman.

First of all. Thank you to all the raving feminists of years gone by. Us ladies can now vote, we’ll come back to the voting system another day. We can go to work without the permission of our husbands. We are no longer house bound. We are paid the same minimum wage as a man. It’s ok to have a child out of wedlock. We can do most jobs that a man can do I think. You know, stuff’s a lot more fair. We are pretty lucky in this country. We really shouldn’t grumble. But as a mother of 3 children and a woman who is filled with ambition and drive for more… More being what we are told we are capable of and allowed… A few holes start to appear.

I know that each family works differently and it does depend massively on your income, how much childcare you have, what line of work you are in. And different families want different things. However, I have spoken to many women who all share similar feelings and stories. You meet a guy, you fall in love, you decide to have children. It’s the year 2000 and something. We live in an equal society. Life not being equal isn’t really even something that crosses your mind. Having children is an equal decision right? You’re an independent young woman, he’s an independent young man. The reality is though, that suddenly, when your baby comes along you’re thrown back into 1950. Your boyfriend is going to work full time and you’re at home with the baby. All the time. Washing clothes, cooking dinner, cleaning. Playgroups. Baby friends. You can’t pee. You’re cried at all day. You’re on call 24/7. You don’t sleep very much. Showering becomes a luxury item.

Obviously it is also great. They’re fun and you smile and yes, you’re entirely blessed. You created this fantastic thing and we shouldn’t wish the time away. I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s an incredible honour. For some women though, this is as much, and sometimes more, as 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. There you go miss independent. The world is your oyster. You said you wanted children. You didn’t say you wanted to sacrifice everything else for it. For all of the fantastic women who are happy staying home and solely being a ‘mother’, that is great. I’m genuinely happy for you. I know many women who dreamed of the day they could have children and stay at home with them. That was the job they wanted. But there are a lot of women who wanted to have children but still continue their own interests and careers. Like their boyfriend is doing you know? What about these women? What happens to us? Well for a lot of the time, these women are labelled as selfish. Questions like ‘Well why did they have children then?’ float around them. Sorry, what?

Childcare in this country is an absolute joke. As is maternity/paternity leave. If you’re lucky enough to find a space in a nursery you’re looking at least  £177 a week for a child under 2. If you’re not in a great paid job, you can end up in the situation where your earnings are just covering your childcare costs. That doesn’t really make any sense for anyone. Men get 2 weeks paid paternity leave. ‘Paid’. When we lived in London, my boyfriend had to take it as holiday. Statutory paternity leave is approx £130 a week. It’s hardly the equivalent to a full time wage, when you’re supporting a family. You can’t get help from the government because you’re working… then they bitch at you because you’re not working… and then you’re just chasing your tail and scratching your head and wondering what the hell it is you should be doing. As a side note, how the hell this is supposed to encourage people off benefits and into work too, I don’t know?!?! People can’t afford to work…

It’s not just childcare though is it? It’s the attitudes of employers too. They have to say that it’s all equal and fair, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t always work like that. If you have children and your employer knows that sometimes you’re going to have to stay home with a chicken pox’d up kid or whatever, a lot of the time, you’re not going to get the hot shot job. They’ll veil it under ‘inexperience’. Why should this still be an issue? We’re all human. To all potential employers, a woman who has kids, is in actual fact the most hard working, organised, multi tasking, job juggler you will ever meet. An asset actually. She’s fighting harder than the rest.

Yes ladies, you decided to have a baby – but so did he. Its 2014. Why can’t you both be great parents and have fulfilling careers/work outside of the home easily if you want to? Other countries are doing it.

Check out Scandinavia. Sweden is a fine example. David Cameron went there in 2008. 6 years on we’re still waiting to find out what he discovered. I’ll tell you what he found. A country that has a maximum fee policy so that childcare is affordable for everybody. Childcare that is paid for partly by central government and tax revenues. Childcare that is paid on reflection of your earnings – typically 1-3% of them. A country that has reserved  60 days parental leave for each parent exclusively. Working parents are entitled to 13 months paid leave at approx 77% of the employees monthly salary. What do we get here? 6 weeks full pay. If we qualify. If another country in Europe, and this is only one example, is able to create a better system, why can’t we? Surely the more people working and able to afford childcare has got to boost the economy and general moral of the people?

I don’t think the feminists went far enough. They stopped too soon and vaguely screwed us over. Now women have to work AND have children. We are torn between these two extremes constantly. If you have children and stop working you’re deemed unintelligent and unambitious. If you have children and go back to work you’re frowned upon. If you do go back to work it’s the most expensive and stressful thing you could do. You’re still expected to do everything you were previously expected to do, and then some… It’s not great for a man either. He has to deal with a woman going through all of this internal turmoil. Where did his hot woman go? She is drowning. Probably pulling him under too.

This needs to change. I’m going to change it. I’ll probably ask for your help.  X

 

Day #36 – The key.

It is near on impossible to stay and be positive all day every day. Well it is for me anyway. I need help. Maybe if I went and spent some delicious time in a peace camp with monks for a few months, I would feel like a dream. Alas, I am here. Very far from camp peace.

Sometimes you just feel like giving up. Like what is the point in all of this? What am I even bothering with all of this for? We’re all tired. We’re behind with everything because I’ve been using a lot of my energy on new things. I’m not sure my house has EVER been this dirty. It’s driving me mad. Don’t believe me? Ask the neighbours. Who incidentally are selling their house. Hope it’s got nothing to do with me being a screaming banshee.

I still want everything I always wanted. I’m just feeling a little mediocre. I’m starting to question why I’m doing this. I’m probably just tired. I am pretty exhausted. I want to lie down and wait for the record label to knock on the door whilst I’m having a nap. I’m not going to do that. I can’t. But it’s really what my body wants to do. Come on Polydor, let’s meet in a lucid dream. I guess we all have our little demons inside that hold us back. If I strip back my thoughts, ‘Im tired, I can’t be bothered’ actually translates to ‘You’re not good enough, so why are you wasting your time’. Bad inner voice. I am good enough. We all are. It’s helpful to stop and think for a while though, what is it that’s holding you back? What is it that stops you before you’ve reached your goal? Are your old thought patterns holding you back? Is it low self esteem? That what you’re striving for has changed and you haven’t realised yet? Are we just lazy? Maybe we don’t want it enough. No? Prove it. Succeed.

Then I watched this. If you’re reading this in your email you might have to jump on wordpress to access the link. My brother emailed it to me. Then I saw this man’s name everywhere, before I even watched it. It’s 30 minutes long – just sound- you don’t have to sit and stare. Listen whilst you’re washing the dishes. Whatever your excuse is why you can’t spare 30 minutes or concentrate. This properly kicked my arse back into gear. Not only is it great because it sounds like the olden days, it’s full of incredible ideas. Like the opposite of courage is conformity not cowardice… instead of competing, we need to create. Play it often in the background. Stick with it.

He’s right we DO live in a golden era! We are so fortunate to live in a rich country. Why are we wasting our opportunities away? Wake up! Shake off your cobwebs, take control, take ownership of your life. It’s yours! Be a success to yourself! Try the 30 day challenge he suggests. You know, if there’s something you want bad enough.

Having a goal is so important. Plant your goal now. Create the reality that you want. Why? Look at the alternative. X

 

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