Tag Archives: life

Day #297 – You’re dying.

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‘Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.’ ~Dr. Seuss

I know what you’re thinking. What a joyous blog title right? Where is she going with this? Has all her recent darkness overcome her and now she’s finally lost the plot entirely? No. No I really haven’t.

We are all so scared to talk about dying. About death. We ignore it until it happens. Then we’re horrified by it and can’t deal with it all that well. But guess what? It’s going to happen to all of us at some point. Yes. You too. Even if we live until the oldest that is humanly possible. Even if we pass away peacefully in our sleep. Our time here on this earth is limited. It’s the only certainty of life.

Do you pay attention to that fact?

When people are diagnosed with a terminal illness and they’re given a small amount of time, suddenly it’s precious. They and the people around them become very aware of that fact. Petty arguments seem futile as does the daily slog of life. What really matters and is important suddenly becomes paramount. Bucket lists are born. People make more time for each other. Check in a little more often. Support each other and assist them in getting as much done in this life that they always wanted to do. It’s beautiful.

This is how we are when people are dying. But the thing is… Shouldn’t we live like this always? Aren’t we all dying, every single day? A little bit? Who knows when your number will be up. I’ve seen it first hand. It can happen to anyone, anywhere at any given moment. Why do we wait for a terrible diagnosis to start living the life we should have been living all along? Why do we wait until it’s too late to say the words we wished we’d said? Just say them. What have you got to lose? Face?! Oh yes. That’s very important. Keep your face.

Yes I know. Easier said than done. We all too easily get caught up in life. In society. We let ourselves become trapped in the rat race. We’re on the treadmill, running like maniacs until our hearts pop. But it’s a treadmill. You can get off it. You’re more powerful than you give yourself credit for.

Imagine you were given six months to live. What would you do? Where would you go? Who would you make peace with? Would you regret anything? Would you wish you’d had the courage to just do what you always wanted to? Here comes the big question now then. Why aren’t you doing that already?

Oh yes. I know. Work. And family. And responsibilities. What other people think. Let’s chuck money in there for good measure too. But really? You’re not making peace with someone because you have a job? You’re not saving up for that trip of a lifetime because you have a family? You never followed your true calling because you couldn’t afford it? I can’t afford to be a writer. I’m still writing. There’s always a little way of bringing in more of what you love. Stop being scared.

I am acutely aware that I am dying. It makes me want to live  X

Music stuff…

http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Twitter and all the irrelevant rest… Follow it if it makes you happy.

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Day #295 – Delicious ambiguity.

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I’ve done gone did it again. Twenty three days of silence. Twenty three days. That’s just short of a month. Even though I know how this all works. How you have to keep going when you don’t want to. How shit happens and you have to get right back up and keep walking. How when you feel like quitting and giving everything up you have to focus even harder. I know all of that. As do you. Didn’t stop me though. I’ve been busy thought gathering.

I’m here now. For the moment. This little heart of mine is relentless. Sometimes I  wish it craved stability and normality.

I’ve been pretty stressed about everything. Think I’ve mentioned that far too many times. I’m bored of it too. I haven’t wanted to write anything. Nothing inspiring at least. Nothing I’ve wanted to share. I’m so tired of people having an opinion on what and how I’m doing things in the real world, writing has just felt like giving them more ammunition to silently fire my way. I’ve been feeling somewhat naive and stupid. Perhaps even displaced. But I guess me being quiet would make me the loser in the long run.

I’ve been stressed because things haven’t felt like they are ‘going to plan’. Things have certainly been moving and developing but not how I had planned. I had this list of things I ‘should’ be doing. How to get from A to B. How to win. I threw my list away. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to do all the things I’ve been advised I ‘should’ do to succeed. There’s been a shift.

With my new found acceptance of life came something else. Trust.

Life just isn’t something you can plan out. It’s an uncertain, ever evolving, inexplicable old thing. You can work towards things and you can have an idea of how you want everything to pan out, but as for having control on how and when that happens. I’m not sure we have all that much say in it. Spanners happen. Things don’t work out exactly how we imagined. Then what? We run around in circles searching, panicking about what to do instead. Worrying it’s not going to plan. What if we just trusted that everything is unfolding exactly as it should? Everything will be alright in the end. Weezer said so.

A friend of mine was really upset recently. They had put all of their hopes into getting this promotion at work and planned the next few years of their life around it. When it didn’t happen they were really upset. All they could see was that they were stuck on the same pay scale in the same job going nowhere and everybody around them was moving up the ladder. They mustn’t be good enough. At that moment, even though I was trying to point out that something better would come along, that it wasn’t the right position, because their ‘plan’ had failed, they couldn’t see anything else. Nothing better was going to come. There was nothing better.

They’ve just been offered a much better job. With much better prospects. Doing exactly what they wanted to do. They didn’t see it before. But it was there all along, right in front of them. Do they care about the job that didn’t happen anymore? Not so much. This is way better. It’s the same for you. Maybe this isn’t unfolding as and how you had hoped. But it’s certainly unfolding and going SOMEWHERE. Whatsoever you are doing will help you grow and see new things.

It’s easy to do with hindsight. We can look at things and say that everything happened for a reason and without each step, both positive and negative, we wouldn’t be where we are today. If we can do it with hindsight, I’m sure we can do it in the present moment too. Just trust that as you’re doing your very best and working in the right direction, it’ll all work out. It just will. And if you have no idea what direction to go in, trust that something will be put in front of you. You just have to jump with no thought of what might happen next. Even if the idea scares you to death. Keep your eyes open and ears to the ground. If what you want to work out doesn’t happen as and when you want it, something else equally awesome will. You might not end up where you thought you were going but you’ll end up somewhere. You don’t need to make sense of it right now.

Not everything can be controlled. Maybe that’s the point X

Music stuff… 

http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Twitter and all the irrelevant rest… Follow it if it makes you happy.

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

 

 

Day #271 – I am a disappointment…

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… I am also kind.

I think I’m struggling to keep my head above the water but I can’t tell because I’m kicking so hard I have no idea what’s going on around me. Maybe I’m drowning. Maybe I’m a human dolphin. I’ve been told I’m a disappointment until sometimes I can’t move. I’ve been told that other people share this sentiment. I’ve been told that I’m not hated… But other people ‘disapprove’ of me. People I really cared about. People I thought were awesome. You tell anybody this for long enough, you’ll break them. They won’t be able to hear the other people around them saying nice things. The strangers thanking them. Day in, day out I’ve been asked to recount and explain myself.  Sometimes I’m good enough, most of the time I’m not. I’ll never be forgiven for this thing that wasn’t that thing at all. Sometimes it’s easier to blame somebody else than look at an entire picture. 

But I’ve had it. It’s too much. Perhaps I am a disappointment to some people. That’s ok. Nobody knows the truth. I do. I know the entire truth. Nobody’s really bothered to ask. We should all be taught when we are young that we are going to go through life disappointing people one after the other. Instead we are taught “Don’t disappoint!”, “Disappointing people is bad!” As a result we live our entire lives trying to please other people and worrying about what everyone else thinks of us. Even if you were as perfect as they come, you’d still disappoint someone somewhere. It’s the trouble with humans. As long as you’re not disappointing yourself, that’s all that matters. And if you do screw up and do a tiny thing on your massive journey that makes you disappointed in yourself. Say sorry. Be sorry. Show that you’re sorry. Do everything that you can to remedy that situation and support the people that you may have hurt (and yourself). Don’t do it again. Learn from it. But most importantly, forgive yourself and keep walking. Don’t kill yourself over it. What the hell is the point beating yourself up over things you can’t change or undo? Some people will never understand you or want to for that matter. Do you realise how short life is? We could all be dead tomorrow. That’s the reality. Grab life and screw what everyone else thinks.

I’m learning that no matter what other people think of you, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If the people around you don’t make you feel good – don’t be around them anymore. Why are you inviting someone into your life, out of choice, that doesn’t make you feel good? Nobody’s friendship is that special or worth it if they don’t bring out the best in you and love you as you are. Nobody’s. Sometimes that hurts. Actually it really hurts. Loving someone and wanting to be a positive influence in their life and being met with hostility and rejection hurts. But so do unsupportive friendships. Friends are kind beings and friendship is a two way street. Don’t forget that. We are all worthy of being surrounded by kindness.

I’ve been trying to work out how I can use my current situation to help other people in relation to the whole cosmic ordering business. Chasing your dreams. Living your dreams. Being yourself. And I guess it’s just this, which I’ve said a few times before. Life is never going to be smooth. Stop waiting for things to calm down to start your project or your business or your class. Whatever it is that you want to do or wherever it is you want to go. Stop waiting. The perfect time doesn’t exist and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be much harder than you can even imagine no matter how ‘perfect’ you have timed and planned things. Something unexpected will always happen. When the going gets rough, you can’t give up. As much as you want to. Stay focused and know that all the things that are problems now will be distant memories one day. If you give up, nothing’s going to change. You have to start and you have to carry on, amidst everything. It blows, but the alternative blows more.

Hi. I’m a human. I make mistakes. Other people do too. Nice to meet you. X

Find me on these! Music is judged on followers, hits and likes nowadays so come help the cause! 

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Bandcamp – http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

Day #262 – It is what it is what it is.

 

The last 3 months I have been in proper turmoil with myself. My mind has been a chaotic, confused, helpless space. I’ve been waging this weird war inside my head. Struggling, beating myself up, questioning, begging… trying to fix things. Find things. Find an answer to all of this.

But then one day, I just decided from somewhere that it was enough now. I have to accept things as they are. Which you know… got me thinking.

When somebody tells you to ‘accept things’ we automatically associate that with settling. With not striving. With making do. With not trying to make things better. I’ve learnt that actually, it’s not that at all. Accepting is not the same as resigning yourself to the situation that you are so desperately trying to escape or better.

There’s absolutely no point in struggling against the things that you cannot change. Or the people you cannot change. Wishing that things were different. What could have been. What might be. If you just do this. Just do that… Stop! Accept things literally as they are. Right now. Even if you don’t like it. It’s the absolute and fundamental first step. This is your present moment.

No amount of wishing your situation away or rejecting it is going to make it go away. Rather than getting angry about it, blaming other people for it or shouting about how downright unfair life is, just accept that this is where you are right now. This is what is at your table. Have a good look at it. Get to know it. How does it make you feel? By looking at it square on, you know exactly what you’re playing with. If you don’t like it, it’s absolutely possible to change it, but you must accept it first. It’s imperative. Also the more you struggle and work against what you’re being dealt, the more energy you’re giving it. Have we learnt what that does yet? Makes it bigger. Stop feeding it.

We all have real life covering us. With real life comes responsibilities and restrictions at different times. One minute you’re flying high and the next you’re getting punched in the guts. Welcome to life! I know that I’m guilty of wishing some of my responsibilities away at different times. I’ve had this constant battle inside of late to push things forward quickly. This constant worry that if I don’t act immediately everything will pass me by and I’ll only be left with ‘real life’. The thought terrifies me. This music thing HAS to happen for me. I literally don’t even know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. But with that thought, comes a constant state of striving and looking to the future. Waiting. When’s it going to happen? Have I screwed it up? What if that was my best and only option? What I’ve started to do instead is just accept that this right here is where I am. It’s neither good or bad. It’s just my place. It’s very different to the place I was in 6 months ago and I’m sure in 6 months from now, I’ll say the same. I’ve decided to stop struggling. Here is where I am, and actually, looking around… It’s pretty sweet. I am so fortunate.

Trust that everything is unfolding just as it should. Every single situation that you find yourself in is preparing you for your desired goal. Your divine purpose. I remember when I first started and I thought I’d never get anyone to read my blog, I had no idea how I was going to even record a song. The band that I’m in were played on BBC Radio 6 music last night. Could I have foreseen that? Expected it? Absolutely not. If you look back 6 months at your own life, you’ll see that too. Stop trying to swim upstream and flap around. You’ll drown. Come this way. Float down the river.

Accepting things doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing. By no means. Nothing happens if you don’t work hard for it. Accepting things is a state of mind. Observe and accept that where you are and what you are doing right at this moment has it’s own role in your grand scheme. As you begin to accept your current self you can also plan for a brighter future. You’ll be able to see much more clearly where and what you you need to stop fighting with.

Sometimes the things that we have to accept aren’t things that we have inflicted on ourselves. They are nobody’s fault and out of everybody’s control. But as soon as we accept and own our situation, a certain power fills your bones. You’re back in control and you can look at things in a more manageable way. This is what you’ve got. What are you going to do with it? How are you going to deal with it?

Nobody said it was easy x

Find me on these!

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Bandcamp – http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

 

Day #220 – My pocket of dreams.

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A few weeks ago I got my first hater. I have a hater! She made me sad. Now I love her and it makes me smile. One in 7,000 isn’t too bad an odd really. At the time I didn’t though. At the time I got this email telling me what a douche I was and I felt like being sick. Nobody likes the idea of another person thinking bad of them, especially when your intentions are good. It did make me stop and think though. Perhaps I do need to be clearer in what my intentions are. What my motivation is. I always assume that people have been reading this from Day #1. If you’ve just joined us – welcome!

I do have three beautiful daughters.They like to eat cheerios for breakfast. I’ve never talked about them on here, well because, it’s not relevant is it? This isn’t a parenting blog and I don’t want to pigeonhole myself by only directing my intentions towards one group of people. I want as many people to relate as possible. They are the three most intense and important human beings I’ve ever come across. They are an absolute full time job. From the minute I have my eyes rudely opened each morning until I go to bed I am doing that. There is no escaping it and to assume that ‘this’, my blog, my singing could even possibly take precedence over them is just crazy. Even if i wanted that to be the truth – it’s an impossibility. If you have small people yourself, you’ll know it. I wonder if I’d be so critically judged if I was doing more hours outside of the home in a ‘real’ job? If I worked in a supermarket and put them in full time child care? If I was being more socially acceptable.

I am the most private person who ordinarily despises using social media. I’m not interested in it at all. Instagram is nice. I like pictures. But otherwise, I’ve never really been into show casing my private life. It’s private and more fun to live it than report it. Unfortunately, it’s the world we live in now. It’s a marketing tool that is too important to reject. Whilst I might not like it, I don’t think I’m above it and I’m smart enough to know that its power is great. It’s got nothing to do with me loving myself. Or wanting people to look at me. I’d rather they didn’t. If I could do this faceless and from a dark room somewhere then I’d much prefer it. I’d probably be doing a lot more, a lot faster. The lack of confidence is holding me back somewhat. It takes all of my energy and determination to put my face on things. But it’s part of the parcel.

It has taken me the best part of 30 years to get to a point where I felt brave enough to face my fears and say out loud ‘I want to be a singer’. The whole point of the blog was and is to inspire other people. Other people who are in a similar situation to me who think they missed their dream boat. I wanted to be a working example that it’s not too late. Ever. There are always options and routes. I wanted to lay myself completely bare and be brutally honest. Yes that puts me in the firing line. There would be no point doing this if I sugar coated it. What help to other people would that be? Hey guys look how easy and great this is! No. This is life. This is how it’s going down. Yours is too. I’m just admitting it. We all feel the same. Have the same fears and issues. My thinking was that if I talk about it, people can see that, yes, dream chasing is scary and hard. But it’s also possible and fun. Look, she’s been knocked down again and gets up. I can do that too. That was my motivation. It still is. That’s why I write about the issues and personal development stuff. I’m relaying what is helping me move forward and grow, in the hope it helps someone else too. Why? Because I want as many people to be as happy as possible, living their bliss. I’m tired of seeing people dragging their sorry feet behind them. That is all.

Over the last 6 months, everything that I have worked on has been ON TOP of everything else. I write and work in the evenings when and if my children sleep. I am currently running on 4 hours sleep a night. I crammed working for studio time in around everybody else. I’ve always made myself be last in line. I write stuff on my phone as I’m walking to the park with my toddler. I practice whilst I’m doing the laundry or scrubbing crayon off the wall. Concentrate on my children? My dear, I do nothing but. They are smothered in love and skittles. If they were suffering, I would stop.

My goals and targets are still the same. Here is my original post on the topic in case you missed it http://wp.me/pRHlH-2T I want to record music. I want to be better. I want to be great. I want to make money doing that. I want to make decent money doing it so that I can share it around. I want to help other people. I want to support and work with organisations both small and big that are helping the wider community. I want to inspire my children how to live life. The only thing that has changed is that I am more realistic now than I was at the beginning. I have a lot of work to do and that’s the only way to go forward. Practice and hard work.

Life is fun. Play with it. Don’t waste your time. We don’t get that long. X

Come check out these bad boys …

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

 

 

 

Day #200 – Light up the sky.

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Isn’t that beautiful?

Look at a love like that indeed. It’s what I aspire to and how I want to live.

What I have found great comfort in recently is not to expect anything from anyone. You need to be able to provide everything for yourself. All of your basic needs, both emotional and physical. Provide them for yourself. You need to love and cherish yourself first. It gives you such a feeling of self empowerment. I think this is especially important in relationships. It is so easy to suddenly place all of your happiness and needs onto another person and get angry with them when they’re not meeting those expectations. It’s not healthy.

I don’t mean that I don’t expect people to be nice. Or treat you well. But having this expectation that somebody else needs to act a certain way, or do certain things for you, is crazy. I know that I have definitely fallen into that trap on occasion and for that I’m truly sorry. We get caught up. It’s a sure fire way to feel suffocated, trapped and kill each others creativity. In any relationship. Platonic or romantic. You were separate beings when you met and it’s why you liked each other. Why expect them to join your camp? Can’t the camps co exist? Why do we always need to know what, where and how things are going?

Love isn’t a possession or a noun. It’s an action and it’s a verb. Once you shift your thinking this way, you realise that nobody can take that away. It’s impossible. Love is a way of being. Even when somebody walks away from you, you can still hold your action. Nobody can take that away. Get busy being lovING rather than trying to possess and hold onto a love.

Do everything from a place of love! For the love of it. Not because you are going to get something out of it. Not because you think it’ll lead to something else. Not because it’s what you should do. Just for the sheer joy of it. For the sake of it. Watch the shift in opportunities and people in your life. It’s incredible.

I realise that I don’t need anything. From anybody. That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to accept help from people or invite love into my life. But acknowledging the difference between need and want seems to be the thing here. Who doesn’t want love? I just don’t need it from someone else to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be reliant on another person to keep me standing up. That’s been the shift. What I want and what I need are separate. I forgot how much I believe this. If you love, respect and appreciate yourself already, you really don’t need anybody else to. It doesn’t matter. Beauty is everywhere. Look for it. Look up! It’s right in front of you. Take the time to walk down the street only looking for beautiful things and moments. Concentrate on the good. Focus on the positive. Watch the shift. It’s instantaneous. 

Be like the sun. Light up the entire sky.

In other news, I’ve got 165 days left to complete my Cosmic Order. Erm record deal, where are you? I want my experiment to work because experiments that work are FUN! X

Check out these bad boys… Subscribe to my youtube channel!

Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Day #196 – Where the magic happens.

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I get that some people find change really scary. For some reason, it’s never scared me. I’m terrified to the point of having a panic attack about a few things. But change? Nah. It’s my favourite thing to do. If you can change it, you should. At any given opportunity.

As I’ve grown up I’ve observed the people around me. People thought I was just quiet. I was watching. And learning. And listening. I learnt that most adults are full of regret. I learnt that most adults were living a life they didn’t want to lead. I learnt that most adults couldn’t cope with that. I also learnt by watching people go to hell and back, that humans are a lot stronger than we think. I saw that no matter how bad things get, things always get better eventually. What my own mother may regret her children seeing and going through, I see as a blessing. I learnt how to love and how to live. Even if it was indirectly.

That has formed the way my brain works now. I’m not so scared of risks that I avoid them. With all my heart I don’t want to be one of the people I saw as a child, complaining about how their life turned out. Where it went wrong. What they’d do if they could do it all again. Why wait to do it all again? Why not do it now? Why fit in with what everybody around you expects? Is it their life that’s going to end up unfulfilled? The only person who’ll lose out is you.

Life is an experience. You have to jump in and bathe in all it’s glory.

Routine is great but it also limits your creativity. You become so used to doing the same thing every single day, going to the same place, talking to the same people, getting up at the same time, that your mind goes to sleep. You don’t need to think anymore or concentrate on what you’re doing. Creativity of any kind cannot flourish in that environment. You need to keep moving your mind. Changing it. Challenging it.

It takes a lot of courage to accept the fact that sometimes you are going to feel pain. But by avoiding your fears and the resulting discomfort it creates, you will bumble along in a mediocre life that doesn’t challenge you or grow you in any way shape or form. If you’re happy with that, then that’s amazing! You’ve made it! But if you’re not, you’re going to have to look at scarey stuff. Nobody is forcing you to.

Your life is in your hands. Nobody elses. X

Maybe I’ll start selling ball bags. It can be my first piece of merchandise. Until the ball bags are released though, you can come find me on my other social media networks… I’m getting a small collection of music together.

New song coming on Saturday! You’d better subscribe to my YouTube channel to be the first to hear it!

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Day #190 – Last sad song.

The last week has sucked. It’s also been the best week ever. The reality of our decision has certainly kicked in and for you few folks who thought this was the ‘easy’ option. I beg to differ.

The parts that sucked sounded like this.

I’m going to record what the great bits sounded like next Wednesday at the studio. I’m pretty excited about that. It’s a maneater of a song. And I’m going to smack a drum. Really loud.

Thank you so much for the insane amount of support and love after my last post. I was blown away by people’s kindness and understanding.

I’m intent, more than ever, to make this music thing happen.

Things are different now. Same order. X

Come find me on all these other unnecessary social media type things! If you’ve got a youtube account I’d be super grateful for your subscription!

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

 

Day #183 – Trust your instincts.

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Today’s post is pretty monumental.

Everything is changing. Everything has changed.

I feel in my heart that I’m halfway through my journey now. I couldn’t explain why entirely but I feel very connected to everything around me and what I’m doing. I just divided 365 by 2 and I was right. I’m out by half a day. It would appear I’m quite in tune with myself.

We are all born with strong, natural instincts. It’s why babies are so sensitive to their environments. They detect stress in a room without anyone even saying anything. We are born perfect. Then we start being interfered with. Numbed. We are taught to stop trusting ourselves. We lose touch with this inherent natural talent we all possess and spend the rest of our lives questioning everything that we do. That’s crazy isn’t it? How we would laugh if we saw a lion questioning his natural instincts to kill a deer. Or birds when they migrate. They trust what their body is telling them to do. You don’t see a crying bird.

When we go against our instincts, things don’t work. I’m sure you can remember a time yourself when, with hindsight, you’ve looked back at a situation and said ‘I KNEW I shouldn’t have done that!’ But you did. You did do it. Because you didn’t trust yourself. What you thought or wanted, didn’t fit in. You went with your head. With everyone around you. What they were all doing. What they were all saying. Your stomach told you otherwise, but you carried on.

Trusting your instincts is a scary business. It’s scary because we are all so out of practice. How do you know it’s your instinct?! What if it’s not?! What if you’re just having a moment of madness? I can only say that with practice you learn to tell the difference. Pay attention to how your body feels when you’re making decisions. Trust yourself entirely. Forget about how other people are going to react. Are you relaxed? Do you feel better? There is an abundance of literature on developing your intuition.

I wonder about the world. I wonder about everything. I wonder how things work, how things tick, how things can change. It’s never an occasional fleeting thought. It’s intrinsic. It’s in me. To change that would be to deny who I am. I want to explore everything. I’ve been trying to be someone I’m not. I’ve tried to calm down. I’ve tried to change the way I think. I’ve flattened and numbed myself to make something I thought had the potential of being a beautiful flower work. I’ve questioned the way I am. I’ve believed that there must be something ‘wrong’ with the way I see life and how I want to live it. I’ve tried to fit in and play the game.

Me and the T dog have decided to walk in different directions. And that’s ok. No it’s not ideal in societal terms. It’s not what ‘one’ does. We’re taught to stick out mediocre relationships because that’s just what a relationship is. They are hard and take effort. You have to take the bad with the good. You’ve got children, there’s no other option. But we both feel like numb, suffocated, trapped messes. We’ve killed each other. That’s not kind. Love doesn’t do that.

When two people continuously over a long period of time can’t make things work despite trying desperately, to the point they are no longer living in accordance with their own truth… It’s time to be courageous enough to stop it. I’d rather be alone than responsible for somebody else’s misery.

In my mind love is free. It’s so free. It’s a meeting. It’s a passing. It’s a nourishment. When two people bring out the very worst in each other and you slowly watch each other turn into people you are not, it’s time to change.

I am so glad that we have found the strength after 4 years and not 40 to recognise this. To respect each other enough to let each other go. Regardless of how much that hurts.

I have felt so disconnected. I’ve even questioned my mental health. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t aspire to live how I’m expected to. But last night I realised, I’m not crazy. I feel disconnected because I’m not following the set path we are told to follow. How can you connect with a society and people around you that you don’t believe in? Of course I feel disconnected. It’s a positive thing. For me. I’m finally listening to my truth and I’ll make sure I never forget that again.

It’s taken a lot of courage and time. It’s not a decision you come to lightly or quickly. And we have tried. God we have tried. Neither of us have anything left and what we do have left is ugly. We are setting each other free so we can both be great and inspiring parents to our beautiful girls. For the first time in 2 years, I see a spark in his eye. That is love.

Where do we go from here? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other in what I think is the right direction…

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Day #175 – Keep. Going. Always.

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Normally I have quite a lot to say.

I’m feeling pretty silent though. Sometimes there’s nothing for it than to sit back and reflect. Guess I’m going through a time.

It’s hard to find the motivation and the inclination to do positive and productive things when everything around you seems to be in the air. But you must. I must. It makes you feel better. Get busy with your bliss. It’s a light.

Life is ever changing and even when we have a solid plan, things will spring up out of nowhere. Sometimes out of somewhere. Things we have been hiding. Things we have been ignoring. They pop up. Think of them as plot twists. You  didn’t know they were coming. It’s a joy of life. You’ll look back and thank them.

I made a song at home. I like that I’ve learnt from someone I admire so much. I just sang it twice and picked one. I don’t have time for anything else to be honest.  Jason mastered all the levels for me and is giving me lessons in mixing and mastering in return for beer. We like Jason. Very much. I’m going to write a bonus pimp post all about him tomorrow. Look out.

In the mean time, eat this.

 

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