Tag Archives: love

Day #297 – You’re dying.

32581

‘Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.’ ~Dr. Seuss

I know what you’re thinking. What a joyous blog title right? Where is she going with this? Has all her recent darkness overcome her and now she’s finally lost the plot entirely? No. No I really haven’t.

We are all so scared to talk about dying. About death. We ignore it until it happens. Then we’re horrified by it and can’t deal with it all that well. But guess what? It’s going to happen to all of us at some point. Yes. You too. Even if we live until the oldest that is humanly possible. Even if we pass away peacefully in our sleep. Our time here on this earth is limited. It’s the only certainty of life.

Do you pay attention to that fact?

When people are diagnosed with a terminal illness and they’re given a small amount of time, suddenly it’s precious. They and the people around them become very aware of that fact. Petty arguments seem futile as does the daily slog of life. What really matters and is important suddenly becomes paramount. Bucket lists are born. People make more time for each other. Check in a little more often. Support each other and assist them in getting as much done in this life that they always wanted to do. It’s beautiful.

This is how we are when people are dying. But the thing is… Shouldn’t we live like this always? Aren’t we all dying, every single day? A little bit? Who knows when your number will be up. I’ve seen it first hand. It can happen to anyone, anywhere at any given moment. Why do we wait for a terrible diagnosis to start living the life we should have been living all along? Why do we wait until it’s too late to say the words we wished we’d said? Just say them. What have you got to lose? Face?! Oh yes. That’s very important. Keep your face.

Yes I know. Easier said than done. We all too easily get caught up in life. In society. We let ourselves become trapped in the rat race. We’re on the treadmill, running like maniacs until our hearts pop. But it’s a treadmill. You can get off it. You’re more powerful than you give yourself credit for.

Imagine you were given six months to live. What would you do? Where would you go? Who would you make peace with? Would you regret anything? Would you wish you’d had the courage to just do what you always wanted to? Here comes the big question now then. Why aren’t you doing that already?

Oh yes. I know. Work. And family. And responsibilities. What other people think. Let’s chuck money in there for good measure too. But really? You’re not making peace with someone because you have a job? You’re not saving up for that trip of a lifetime because you have a family? You never followed your true calling because you couldn’t afford it? I can’t afford to be a writer. I’m still writing. There’s always a little way of bringing in more of what you love. Stop being scared.

I am acutely aware that I am dying. It makes me want to live  X

Music stuff…

http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Twitter and all the irrelevant rest… Follow it if it makes you happy.

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Advertisements

Day #271 – I am a disappointment…

BlackandWhite-vodka-disappointment-Quotes-truth-liquor-drunk-alcohol-party-Quotes

… I am also kind.

I think I’m struggling to keep my head above the water but I can’t tell because I’m kicking so hard I have no idea what’s going on around me. Maybe I’m drowning. Maybe I’m a human dolphin. I’ve been told I’m a disappointment until sometimes I can’t move. I’ve been told that other people share this sentiment. I’ve been told that I’m not hated… But other people ‘disapprove’ of me. People I really cared about. People I thought were awesome. You tell anybody this for long enough, you’ll break them. They won’t be able to hear the other people around them saying nice things. The strangers thanking them. Day in, day out I’ve been asked to recount and explain myself.  Sometimes I’m good enough, most of the time I’m not. I’ll never be forgiven for this thing that wasn’t that thing at all. Sometimes it’s easier to blame somebody else than look at an entire picture. 

But I’ve had it. It’s too much. Perhaps I am a disappointment to some people. That’s ok. Nobody knows the truth. I do. I know the entire truth. Nobody’s really bothered to ask. We should all be taught when we are young that we are going to go through life disappointing people one after the other. Instead we are taught “Don’t disappoint!”, “Disappointing people is bad!” As a result we live our entire lives trying to please other people and worrying about what everyone else thinks of us. Even if you were as perfect as they come, you’d still disappoint someone somewhere. It’s the trouble with humans. As long as you’re not disappointing yourself, that’s all that matters. And if you do screw up and do a tiny thing on your massive journey that makes you disappointed in yourself. Say sorry. Be sorry. Show that you’re sorry. Do everything that you can to remedy that situation and support the people that you may have hurt (and yourself). Don’t do it again. Learn from it. But most importantly, forgive yourself and keep walking. Don’t kill yourself over it. What the hell is the point beating yourself up over things you can’t change or undo? Some people will never understand you or want to for that matter. Do you realise how short life is? We could all be dead tomorrow. That’s the reality. Grab life and screw what everyone else thinks.

I’m learning that no matter what other people think of you, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If the people around you don’t make you feel good – don’t be around them anymore. Why are you inviting someone into your life, out of choice, that doesn’t make you feel good? Nobody’s friendship is that special or worth it if they don’t bring out the best in you and love you as you are. Nobody’s. Sometimes that hurts. Actually it really hurts. Loving someone and wanting to be a positive influence in their life and being met with hostility and rejection hurts. But so do unsupportive friendships. Friends are kind beings and friendship is a two way street. Don’t forget that. We are all worthy of being surrounded by kindness.

I’ve been trying to work out how I can use my current situation to help other people in relation to the whole cosmic ordering business. Chasing your dreams. Living your dreams. Being yourself. And I guess it’s just this, which I’ve said a few times before. Life is never going to be smooth. Stop waiting for things to calm down to start your project or your business or your class. Whatever it is that you want to do or wherever it is you want to go. Stop waiting. The perfect time doesn’t exist and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be much harder than you can even imagine no matter how ‘perfect’ you have timed and planned things. Something unexpected will always happen. When the going gets rough, you can’t give up. As much as you want to. Stay focused and know that all the things that are problems now will be distant memories one day. If you give up, nothing’s going to change. You have to start and you have to carry on, amidst everything. It blows, but the alternative blows more.

Hi. I’m a human. I make mistakes. Other people do too. Nice to meet you. X

Find me on these! Music is judged on followers, hits and likes nowadays so come help the cause! 

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Bandcamp – http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

Day #262 – It is what it is what it is.

 

The last 3 months I have been in proper turmoil with myself. My mind has been a chaotic, confused, helpless space. I’ve been waging this weird war inside my head. Struggling, beating myself up, questioning, begging… trying to fix things. Find things. Find an answer to all of this.

But then one day, I just decided from somewhere that it was enough now. I have to accept things as they are. Which you know… got me thinking.

When somebody tells you to ‘accept things’ we automatically associate that with settling. With not striving. With making do. With not trying to make things better. I’ve learnt that actually, it’s not that at all. Accepting is not the same as resigning yourself to the situation that you are so desperately trying to escape or better.

There’s absolutely no point in struggling against the things that you cannot change. Or the people you cannot change. Wishing that things were different. What could have been. What might be. If you just do this. Just do that… Stop! Accept things literally as they are. Right now. Even if you don’t like it. It’s the absolute and fundamental first step. This is your present moment.

No amount of wishing your situation away or rejecting it is going to make it go away. Rather than getting angry about it, blaming other people for it or shouting about how downright unfair life is, just accept that this is where you are right now. This is what is at your table. Have a good look at it. Get to know it. How does it make you feel? By looking at it square on, you know exactly what you’re playing with. If you don’t like it, it’s absolutely possible to change it, but you must accept it first. It’s imperative. Also the more you struggle and work against what you’re being dealt, the more energy you’re giving it. Have we learnt what that does yet? Makes it bigger. Stop feeding it.

We all have real life covering us. With real life comes responsibilities and restrictions at different times. One minute you’re flying high and the next you’re getting punched in the guts. Welcome to life! I know that I’m guilty of wishing some of my responsibilities away at different times. I’ve had this constant battle inside of late to push things forward quickly. This constant worry that if I don’t act immediately everything will pass me by and I’ll only be left with ‘real life’. The thought terrifies me. This music thing HAS to happen for me. I literally don’t even know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. But with that thought, comes a constant state of striving and looking to the future. Waiting. When’s it going to happen? Have I screwed it up? What if that was my best and only option? What I’ve started to do instead is just accept that this right here is where I am. It’s neither good or bad. It’s just my place. It’s very different to the place I was in 6 months ago and I’m sure in 6 months from now, I’ll say the same. I’ve decided to stop struggling. Here is where I am, and actually, looking around… It’s pretty sweet. I am so fortunate.

Trust that everything is unfolding just as it should. Every single situation that you find yourself in is preparing you for your desired goal. Your divine purpose. I remember when I first started and I thought I’d never get anyone to read my blog, I had no idea how I was going to even record a song. The band that I’m in were played on BBC Radio 6 music last night. Could I have foreseen that? Expected it? Absolutely not. If you look back 6 months at your own life, you’ll see that too. Stop trying to swim upstream and flap around. You’ll drown. Come this way. Float down the river.

Accepting things doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing. By no means. Nothing happens if you don’t work hard for it. Accepting things is a state of mind. Observe and accept that where you are and what you are doing right at this moment has it’s own role in your grand scheme. As you begin to accept your current self you can also plan for a brighter future. You’ll be able to see much more clearly where and what you you need to stop fighting with.

Sometimes the things that we have to accept aren’t things that we have inflicted on ourselves. They are nobody’s fault and out of everybody’s control. But as soon as we accept and own our situation, a certain power fills your bones. You’re back in control and you can look at things in a more manageable way. This is what you’ve got. What are you going to do with it? How are you going to deal with it?

Nobody said it was easy x

Find me on these!

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Bandcamp – http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

 

Day #247 – Balance

2

Don’t you just love the first week of January?! Everybody gets so excited at the end of December. Here it comes! Everything is going to change as the clock strikes midnight on the 31st. Life is going to suddenly be awesome! All the things that were giving you grief will magically disappear and you’ll be enlightened. Well here she is, in all her anti climaxing glory.

Happy New Year! Sorry should I have sugar coated her a bit more? Perhaps I can get you a donut.

You see, New Year actually means jack crap. Nothing is going to change of its own accord. You have to change it. You have to decide. You have to decide to stop your negative behaviour. You have to decide to stop letting other people affect you. You have to decide what you want and then put it into action. Yourself. At any given moment.

I feel grateful every single day that I have so many awesome things going on in my life right now and the opportunity to explore the things that I love to do. I’m so lucky. I’m singing a lot. I’m recording a lot. I’m learning how to use recording equipment. I’m co hosting an awesome radio show. I’m writing. I’m researching. I’m finally in a band! I’m doing some PR work on the side of that. I have a bunch of incredible friends who have been like rocks to me of late and three hilarious little girls that are bursting with love and potential.

On the other side of that though I feel like I’m in actual hell. I’m utterly and completely overwhelmed by how much I am doing and have to do. I’m trying to figure out how and when I’m putting carrots on the table. I’m looking after three incredible but demanding children. I’m sitting on this heavy broken heart. I just lost my best friend. But if I don’t do the awesome stuff above, then I’ll slip into this awful hole of a place. I know it well. I can’t stop. It’s not an option at all. So what to do Rose?

Im not one for New Year’s resolutions. I don’t really understand why you should wait until the turn of the calendar year to make changes to your life for a week. But I do understand making changes. And finding solutions to situations that aren’t serving you.

I feel like I need to find some balance. I need to schedule in sleep. I need to sleep. She says, sipping coffee and updating her blog with her eyeballs resting on the keyboard. And I need to nurture myself in a way that isn’t doing work. My free time is half that of a regular person (and also probably a lot more than other regular persons) so I’m always hell bent on cramming everything and anything in. There’s always something I want to learn or do. I can’t sit still. I need to learn how but the thought makes me screw my face up. I need to learn to balance my two entirely polar opposite lives. One minute I’m home giving everything I have to my children and the next I’m standing by myself, working like a crazy person making music and writing. Quite often with a beer in my hand.

Then I read this.

‘Live life in all possible ways; don’t choose one thing against the other, and don’t try to be in the middle. Don’t try to balance yourself – balance is not something that can be cultivated. Balance is something that comes out of experiencing all the dimensions of life. Balance is something that happens; it is not something that can be brought about through your efforts. If you bring it through your efforts it will be false, forced. And you will remain tense, you will not be relaxed, because how can a person who is trying to remain balanced in the middle be relaxed? You will always be afraid that if you relax you may start moving to the left or to the right. You are bound to remain uptight, and to be uptight is to miss the whole opportunity, the whole gift of life.

Don’t be uptight. Don’t live life according to principles. Live life in its totality, drink life in its totality! Yes, sometimes it tastes bitter – so what? That taste of bitterness will make you capable of tasting its sweetness. You will be able to appreciate the sweetness only if you have tasted its bitterness. One who knows not how to cry will not know how to laugh, either. One who cannot enjoy a deep laughter, a belly laugh, that person’s tears will be crocodile tears. They cannot be true, they cannot be authentic.

I don’t teach the middle way, I teach the total way. Then a balance comes of its own accord, and then that balance has tremendous beauty and grace. You have not forced it, it has simply come. By moving gracefully to the left, to the right, in the middle, slowly a balance comes to you because you remain so unidentified. When sadness comes, you know it will pass, and when happiness comes you know that will pass, too. Nothing remains; everything passes by. The only thing that always abides is your witnessing. That witnessing brings balance. That witnessing is balance.’  – The Book Of Understanding, Osho

In life, all opposites are joined together. They exist together. The art is finding the middle. The perfect balance. It’ll come when it’s good and ready.

Life is a crazy thing. Live it totally and true to yourself. The rest will follow.

When I find the next bit of mind blowing inspiration that will see us all out of this blue, full mooning, first week of January, I’ll let you know.

Until then I say hide.

That is all.

X

Want music? Head here..

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich or here http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

Want pictures? Head here..

http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Want uncertainty and nothing in particular? Here’s the place for you..

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

 

Day #218 – My light went out.

outbursts-and-meltdowns

Wow. So much for lighting up the entire sky. I burnt out about 4 days after and spent the last 2 weeks watering the sky rather than lighting it up. I think that’s a good thing though. I never cry. I bottle everything up and act like a hero. I haven’t this time and I’ve come out the other side a lot more humble and I feel a vulnerability I didn’t have before. I think I might keep her. If the ugly, heavy, creature lying across my chest could just get off now, then we’ll be in business. I’m working on that. Negotiations are taking longer than anticipated.

So much has happened in my personal life the last 6 weeks. A lot of things have been said. A lot of things have been done. Things I’m not proud of and things I’m sure other people aren’t proud of either. But I decided that I’m not going to talk about that. This blog isn’t a gossip column. I will say that there are always two sides to every story though and unless you’re a modern day saint, don’t be so quick to judge. Each persons actions are a reaction to their situation. You can’t possibly know as an outsider what a person has been through in their life and how that has affected them. How that implicates their actions. Keep that in mind. I am. It makes everyone suddenly seem beautiful and lovable.

Life really hurts sometimes. You can’t escape that. But I think as humans we try to. We do everything that we can to avoid pain. Avoid any kind of heartache. It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant. It’s only natural that we would want to avoid it. Nobody tells us to lean towards the pain and discomfort. We’re told to take a pill, distract ourselves, get help. Avoid and fix! Avoid and fix! What happens if we stop avoiding it? If we stop and turn around and look it right in the eyes? Sit with it. See it clearly rather than protecting ourselves. Well, it’s not pretty. But it’s good. What started off as a problem, suddenly becomes a source of wisdom.

The ground has been taken beneath my feet and I have nothing to grab hold of. It hurts. I have been beside myself. I have been this sad twice in my life. The first time was when my first love at 18 years old called me up and told me over the phone that he didn’t love me anymore. How cute first love is. I don’t love him anymore either. The second time was when I was 6 months pregnant and my step father dropped down dead over dinner. I didn’t think I would care that me and Tommy broke up. It was such a logical and practical thing to do. It made sense. We talked about it for a long time. We tried for a long time. We decided that this was for the best. Nobody was mortified. It had to be the right thing. Nobody was crying or shouting no. In my mind that indicated a massive lack of desire and romantic motivation. It was cool and dead. And it had been for longer than either of us wanted to admit.

Despite that, when our break up turned sour, as they all do eventually, no matter how beautiful the sentiment, I completely lost it. Ive cried until I’m sick. Ive had panic attacks. I’ve collapsed. I’ve drank and drank and drank. Ive cried some more. I’ve beaten myself up. Blamed myself. Had second thoughts. Doubted myself. Everything I have been working for felt pointless. I haven’t sang a word. I couldn’t write. I puked some more. Cried some more. Fell to the floor even more. I’ve spent years building this massive defence system to protect myself from things like this and it’s impenetrable. I keep everything and everyone at arms length as a fail safe protection strategy. Or so I thought.

I have learnt so much. I am so glad that my heart is broken. I am so glad that I have been broken. I’m still crying. I need to do some rebuilding. But positive, gentle and tender rebuilding. Fort Knox isn’t coming back. Maybe a nice circle of mature trees can take its place. I feel like one of those wild horses that has been vaguely tamed. I say vaguely, because my spirit is wild by nature and I neither can or have the inclination to change that. I have learnt the importance of pain and embracing it. It has triggered all sorts of unresolved issues in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have learnt the importance of pausing rather than immediately finding something or someone to fill the empty space in you. I’ve been made more than aware how my actions can cause harm and pain to other people. That there is something in all of us that we are trying to hide from and avoid and by acting quickly we manage to avoid it. I’ve come out the other side gentle. I never thought it possible. I feel gentle. That’s incredible in itself. I mean, it blows… But growing doesn’t. Learning doesn’t. Sometimes you need to have a pit stop, cry it out, mourn what you’ve lost. Do a little grieving. You can’t always charge full steam ahead regardless. I just learnt that. After 30 years. Apparently we’re all human…

It is definitely a balance though. You can’t stay in your pit too long else you’ll never get out and you’ll become depressed. This isn’t about wallowing or self pity. This is about allowing yourself to feel pain and knowing that it’s ok. That it’s part of life. Pleasure can’t exist without it. Cry until you’re sick but make sure you get up again. Refocus and keep moving towards what is important to you. Know what is important to you in the first place. Even if it feels harder than it ever felt. Even if you’ve lost the will. You have to try. You’ll be the only one to lose out if you don’t. Cry and then get up.

I’ve come to New York City. I’m here to be inspired. I’m going to cover myself in music and life. In buildings. In America. I’m going to write every day. I’m going to explore every day. Read every day. I’m going to try and sing a song. The air smells like waffles and I’ve already been to the Apollo theatre to watch some of the best musicians in the world. That has to be a good starting point.

Thank you to everyone for the kind messages and support you have all given and offered. It means so much and has stopped me from giving up. For reals.

Come follow me on my other social networks for music and pictures! There is going to be a lot of New York….

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

 

Day #200 – Light up the sky.

love

Isn’t that beautiful?

Look at a love like that indeed. It’s what I aspire to and how I want to live.

What I have found great comfort in recently is not to expect anything from anyone. You need to be able to provide everything for yourself. All of your basic needs, both emotional and physical. Provide them for yourself. You need to love and cherish yourself first. It gives you such a feeling of self empowerment. I think this is especially important in relationships. It is so easy to suddenly place all of your happiness and needs onto another person and get angry with them when they’re not meeting those expectations. It’s not healthy.

I don’t mean that I don’t expect people to be nice. Or treat you well. But having this expectation that somebody else needs to act a certain way, or do certain things for you, is crazy. I know that I have definitely fallen into that trap on occasion and for that I’m truly sorry. We get caught up. It’s a sure fire way to feel suffocated, trapped and kill each others creativity. In any relationship. Platonic or romantic. You were separate beings when you met and it’s why you liked each other. Why expect them to join your camp? Can’t the camps co exist? Why do we always need to know what, where and how things are going?

Love isn’t a possession or a noun. It’s an action and it’s a verb. Once you shift your thinking this way, you realise that nobody can take that away. It’s impossible. Love is a way of being. Even when somebody walks away from you, you can still hold your action. Nobody can take that away. Get busy being lovING rather than trying to possess and hold onto a love.

Do everything from a place of love! For the love of it. Not because you are going to get something out of it. Not because you think it’ll lead to something else. Not because it’s what you should do. Just for the sheer joy of it. For the sake of it. Watch the shift in opportunities and people in your life. It’s incredible.

I realise that I don’t need anything. From anybody. That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to accept help from people or invite love into my life. But acknowledging the difference between need and want seems to be the thing here. Who doesn’t want love? I just don’t need it from someone else to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be reliant on another person to keep me standing up. That’s been the shift. What I want and what I need are separate. I forgot how much I believe this. If you love, respect and appreciate yourself already, you really don’t need anybody else to. It doesn’t matter. Beauty is everywhere. Look for it. Look up! It’s right in front of you. Take the time to walk down the street only looking for beautiful things and moments. Concentrate on the good. Focus on the positive. Watch the shift. It’s instantaneous. 

Be like the sun. Light up the entire sky.

In other news, I’ve got 165 days left to complete my Cosmic Order. Erm record deal, where are you? I want my experiment to work because experiments that work are FUN! X

Check out these bad boys… Subscribe to my youtube channel!

Twitter- http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Day #198 – A song for boys.

Im finally working out how I want to sound. What kind of music I want to make and how I’m going to make that happen. It’s all falling into place mysteriously and beautifully. I’m working as hard as I can at any and every given opportunity.

My latest cover is Basement Jaxx ‘Good luck’. Rather than recording onto the computer we recorded and mixed straight onto 8 track so I could hear and see the difference. It is and was amazing. I love the olden days. Most things were better. I hope you like my technological analysis of the experience. I just feel like I’m in the Dharma initiative most of the time. Never watched ‘Lost’? Then you’ll have no idea to what I’m referring.

I was pretty lucky to have the help from Jason’s incredibly talented sound assistant Connor who plays in the band ‘Box Of Light’ on piano and Jason on drums. We recorded live take after take after take…. until it was as ‘perfect’ as it was going to get from a live point of view. It felt amazing recording with a band vibe rather than doing it all separate. It’s still a little rough around the edges but you know what? I’m getting there. Practice practice practice…

Check it OUT.

 

Music is happening and it’s making me feel alive.

Enjoy your weekend! X

Come follow me! Let’s be modern day penpals!

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

 

 

 

 

Day #194 – Happy to be alive

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for. X

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for who has been my absolute rock X

I am so happy at this moment in time that I could cry.

I feel overwhelmed by people’s kindness and love. Think I’m turning emo. Been writing songs too. Jesus…

The last week has been crazy. It’s been the worst time of my entire life. I can say that with all of my conviction. I didn’t think I could cope. I thought I was going to collapse under the stress. I didn’t know what to do. Where to go… I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. And amongst all of that I had my children. My small beautiful noisy little children. I was a terrible mother. I felt like giving up on everything. I literally had nothing left. I felt trapped by my situation and had no idea how I was going to deal with that.

On top of that what was I going to do now about my music stuff? How the hell am I going to ‘make it’ now?! How am I going to even have the time or the mental capacity to make music and push myself forward?

I think its important to share that its not been easy. Break ups are ugly. The sentiment behind them can be beautiful but the physical slog of it is ugly. It can easily become mean and raw. I have a new level of understanding on why people stay together because they have children. Separating is sore. I decided today that I’m going to only focus on forgiveness.

It’s true what the voices say. It’s got to get really really dark before you see the sunshine again. You can’t imagine a darkness like that. You just can’t.  I met my darkness. I embraced him and he turned me around and showed me the most amount of light I’ve ever seen. This is clearly metaphorical. The only real voice I have in my head at the moment is the one telling me to drink wine. Im doing my best to ignore him.

I feel amazing in myself. I feel light. I feel free. I feel like I can breathe again and I hadn’t even realised that I’d previously stopped. I feel like I have everything and need nothing. Maybe this is bliss. I don’t even care. I’m just going to sit here and bathe in it because it’s been too long. It’s been way too long. How did I forget this?

I love life so much. I always have. I love it for all its ups and downs. I love experiencing its extremities. I love how just when you think you’re at rock bottom, something beautiful happens and you’re rescued. I suppose that is because I see life as a journey full of lessons and nothing more. Life is certainly nothing but magical. I have so much faith that everything is unfolding just as it should.

So here’s to the dark times. Thank you for making me appreciate the great and making me stronger and better. X

Aren’t you following me yet?! Oh come on! Get with the times people! No really, could you please add me to your networks and share the hell out of my posts… X

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

 

Day #190 – Last sad song.

The last week has sucked. It’s also been the best week ever. The reality of our decision has certainly kicked in and for you few folks who thought this was the ‘easy’ option. I beg to differ.

The parts that sucked sounded like this.

I’m going to record what the great bits sounded like next Wednesday at the studio. I’m pretty excited about that. It’s a maneater of a song. And I’m going to smack a drum. Really loud.

Thank you so much for the insane amount of support and love after my last post. I was blown away by people’s kindness and understanding.

I’m intent, more than ever, to make this music thing happen.

Things are different now. Same order. X

Come find me on all these other unnecessary social media type things! If you’ve got a youtube account I’d be super grateful for your subscription!

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

 

Day #183 – Trust your instincts.

I-think-when-youre-young

Today’s post is pretty monumental.

Everything is changing. Everything has changed.

I feel in my heart that I’m halfway through my journey now. I couldn’t explain why entirely but I feel very connected to everything around me and what I’m doing. I just divided 365 by 2 and I was right. I’m out by half a day. It would appear I’m quite in tune with myself.

We are all born with strong, natural instincts. It’s why babies are so sensitive to their environments. They detect stress in a room without anyone even saying anything. We are born perfect. Then we start being interfered with. Numbed. We are taught to stop trusting ourselves. We lose touch with this inherent natural talent we all possess and spend the rest of our lives questioning everything that we do. That’s crazy isn’t it? How we would laugh if we saw a lion questioning his natural instincts to kill a deer. Or birds when they migrate. They trust what their body is telling them to do. You don’t see a crying bird.

When we go against our instincts, things don’t work. I’m sure you can remember a time yourself when, with hindsight, you’ve looked back at a situation and said ‘I KNEW I shouldn’t have done that!’ But you did. You did do it. Because you didn’t trust yourself. What you thought or wanted, didn’t fit in. You went with your head. With everyone around you. What they were all doing. What they were all saying. Your stomach told you otherwise, but you carried on.

Trusting your instincts is a scary business. It’s scary because we are all so out of practice. How do you know it’s your instinct?! What if it’s not?! What if you’re just having a moment of madness? I can only say that with practice you learn to tell the difference. Pay attention to how your body feels when you’re making decisions. Trust yourself entirely. Forget about how other people are going to react. Are you relaxed? Do you feel better? There is an abundance of literature on developing your intuition.

I wonder about the world. I wonder about everything. I wonder how things work, how things tick, how things can change. It’s never an occasional fleeting thought. It’s intrinsic. It’s in me. To change that would be to deny who I am. I want to explore everything. I’ve been trying to be someone I’m not. I’ve tried to calm down. I’ve tried to change the way I think. I’ve flattened and numbed myself to make something I thought had the potential of being a beautiful flower work. I’ve questioned the way I am. I’ve believed that there must be something ‘wrong’ with the way I see life and how I want to live it. I’ve tried to fit in and play the game.

Me and the T dog have decided to walk in different directions. And that’s ok. No it’s not ideal in societal terms. It’s not what ‘one’ does. We’re taught to stick out mediocre relationships because that’s just what a relationship is. They are hard and take effort. You have to take the bad with the good. You’ve got children, there’s no other option. But we both feel like numb, suffocated, trapped messes. We’ve killed each other. That’s not kind. Love doesn’t do that.

When two people continuously over a long period of time can’t make things work despite trying desperately, to the point they are no longer living in accordance with their own truth… It’s time to be courageous enough to stop it. I’d rather be alone than responsible for somebody else’s misery.

In my mind love is free. It’s so free. It’s a meeting. It’s a passing. It’s a nourishment. When two people bring out the very worst in each other and you slowly watch each other turn into people you are not, it’s time to change.

I am so glad that we have found the strength after 4 years and not 40 to recognise this. To respect each other enough to let each other go. Regardless of how much that hurts.

I have felt so disconnected. I’ve even questioned my mental health. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t aspire to live how I’m expected to. But last night I realised, I’m not crazy. I feel disconnected because I’m not following the set path we are told to follow. How can you connect with a society and people around you that you don’t believe in? Of course I feel disconnected. It’s a positive thing. For me. I’m finally listening to my truth and I’ll make sure I never forget that again.

It’s taken a lot of courage and time. It’s not a decision you come to lightly or quickly. And we have tried. God we have tried. Neither of us have anything left and what we do have left is ugly. We are setting each other free so we can both be great and inspiring parents to our beautiful girls. For the first time in 2 years, I see a spark in his eye. That is love.

Where do we go from here? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other in what I think is the right direction…

Whack your name on the mailing list if you fancy it, or come find me on my other networks.

Twitter – www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagram – www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Thank you for all your support and love as always xx