Tag Archives: Positive thinking

Day #365 – The End. The beginning.

Wow. I can’t believe it’s the end of this chapter already. What a year…

Cosmic Order started as an experiment. I like playing with things. Life is supposed to be playful. I wanted to see if cosmic ordering actually worked. I wanted to see if anything really is possible  if we are brave enough. I saw so many people, including myself, stuck in the rat race, stuck doing things society said they should be doing, being something everyone else wanted them to be. I saw a lot of sad and frustrated people. I wanted to do this experiment for them as much as me. Hell, if I can do it, then we all can.

My cosmic order was that I wanted to be a singer. I wanted a record deal. I wanted the massive record deal specifically because I wanted to be earning heaps of money so I could pile it into the community. I wanted to help fix all the things our leaders and governments are ignoring. I’m so tired of seeing people sleep outside and then walking past a derelict house.

When I started I was not a singer. I was a full time mother to three young children. I’d been at home with them, doing nothing much for myself, for the best part of three years. I’d had some singing lessons and sang a handful of times on stage but mostly in secret. Nobody knew that I wanted to sing so badly or that the only thing I really ever dreamed of was working in music. It wasn’t a real job. It wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t achievable. There is a certain amount of stigma attached to non mainstream, creative careers. A sense of ‘That’s cute, but what are you really going to do? You need to get a real job’. So you can get the mortgage and picket fence and what not. I sang at home. All the time. The minute the house was empty, from the age of fifteen, I sang to the walls. I tried to want to do other things. I studied an array of different subjects and industries, both creative and academic. None of them stuck. None of them will ever stick. Because I want to sing and work in music. It is, was and always will be music. I feel better since being honest.

I had no idea how this was going to pan out. I was terrified that I’d shared my dreams. I was terrified that I was going to get laughed at. I was terrified that I was going to fail. Or look stupid. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities. I wasn’t good enough. I had not one clue how I was going to even start making music. I’d never recorded anything myself before. Computers aren’t my friends. I knew nothing. But I decided what I wanted and started walking. Whatever thought or feeling came into my head, I wrote about it and as I slowly worked through my own demons, opportunities started coming. I didn’t look for them. I didn’t think about them. They just came. I kept working on myself and working hard in the right direction and every time an opportunity came my way I said yes. I had no idea where anything would go, if anywhere, but I trusted something would come out of everything I pursued. I would learn something in every situation.

The amount that I took on this year has been insane but you know what? You’ll work hard for the things that matter to you. If you don’t, you don’t want it enough. I did a lot of personal development work as a result of the cosmic ordering research I was doing. The more I read, the more I learnt. Anything IS possible and there is beauty and love everywhere, sitting waiting to lavish us if only we would see it. We can all lead the lives we want to. We just need to fix ourselves and our thinking first. Life is fundamentally beautiful. Shit happens, but that fact remains. It’s not a rat race. It’s not a struggle. It’s not a battle.  We weren’t born for that. We weren’t born to live a life that somebody else thinks we should live. We weren’t born to be sad. It’s a wonderful life and it’s a gift. It’s yours.

So does cosmic ordering work? That was the question. That was the experiment. The answer is yes. Without a doubt. The law of attraction is as powerful as the law of gravity. It has worked in my life in both good ways and bad ways and I’ve observed them both. When I’ve been feeling awful and negative I attracted nothing but crap and blocks. When I felt happy and positive and open, when I believed in myself, opportunities came. All I did was say out loud, ‘I want to be a singer’ and focused on that. I didn’t sit back and wait for it to be delivered on a silver plate. Life doesn’t work like that. I got up off my arse and worked until I cried. I learnt how to use my computer (a little bit), I learnt how to record music at home, I got a job working at a music studio in return for studio time, I learnt how recording onto 8 track works. I learnt a lot about the music industry. How it works. How labels work. How actually getting a record deal isn’t the be all and end all. I’ve learnt about PR. I’ve learnt that you can do everything yourself. I started a band with one of the most talented people I have ever had the pleasure of. Last week our band Rope Store played the Norwich Arts Centre, voted the UKs best small music venue, supporting Speedometer, an incredible funk band. It was our 2nd gig. I am a singer. It works. Oh the record deal bit didn’t happen. Not yet. Maybe it won’t. Maybe it will. It doesn’t really matter. I know that I could make that bit happen if I worked hard at getting it and was clear about exactly what I want. I haven’t built shit loads of affordable housing either or solved the UKs unaffordable childcare problem. But you know, give it time. It’s time for a new order.

The most wonderful thing about this has been the unexpected opportunities and lessons life threw at me along the way. The blog reminded me how much I enjoy writing and for the last few months I’ve been writing for several online magazines, building my portfolio back up, so that I can do freelance writing alongside the music. The surprises weren’t all great. Six months in I became a single parent. Dealing with a major break up and turning solo definitely impacted my progress and had that not happened, who knows where or what I’d be doing. I almost drowned a few times. I’m not a great swimmer but my arm bands are incredible. I believe that everything happens for our greater good. I got shattered, bashed and bruised and I’ve never felt so open and broken and vulnerable in my life. I didn’t know a break up could create that much seemingly endless pain and suffering. I don’t believe it should actually. But I’ve also never felt so grateful or still. Maybe I needed that. Life is beautiful.

So that’s it! Cosmic Order is over! I’m taking off. I’ve got this bass that I have to get busy with, I’m turning this blog into a book (it’s much juicier), I’ve got some original solo material I want to work on, our band Rope Store are making little ripples and I need to go outside and shout thank you to the sky and laugh my head off with my little girls.

Thank you SO much to each and every one of you. You have no idea how grateful I am for your support. I have been absolutely over whelmed by the response I have received. Over 10,000 people from all over the world have taken the time to read my ramblings. Total strangers have emailed me with words of encouragement and it’s made me so happy that I’ve helped them in some way follow their own bliss too. Please do what makes you happy.

Mr Jason. I’ll be eternally grateful to you and EVERYTHING you have taught me and helped me with. Thank you for the ear upgrade, the corona addiction and keeping me going when shit got rough. Thank you for being such a wonderful and true friend.

I’ll be back in September with a new cosmic order and a new and improved soap box. It’s far from over. In the meantime you can follow me on twitter, instagram, Facebook.. Youtube. God social media, why are there so many of you?

Things end. Things also begin. X

Social media is all we have left! Come join the non stop party… 

http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

 

 

 

 

Day #338 – Just like this.

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There is not one single other human being on this planet that is like you. You’re an intricate, complicated, beautiful individual and you’re the best at it. You’re not just someones sister or brother. You’re not just a parent. Or a banker or a doctor or a teacher. Or any of the jobs. Those can be used as ways to describe the things you do or your position in a family or your own community. But that’s not YOU. We all have our own thing. We all come with our own sense of magic and strength. You’re not a patchwork of other peoples ideas and opinions. Think back to when you were a kid. Before you started to care what other people thought. Before people told you who you were. You were fantastic at being yourself. You didn’t cover up your differences. You will always be the best at being you. Why would you want to be something or someone else? Your beauty is infinite.

If we look around the natural world we observe and appreciate this very fact. We don’t look at a blade of grass and think why isn’t it a flower? Why can’t it be a tree? We accept it as it is. It’s perfect. It’s a blade of grass. It’s doing what it’s been made to do. Well, we’re exactly the same but sadly social conditioning has made us think otherwise. I am a huge fan of Alan Watts. He said this. I think we should take note.

‘Regard yourself as a cloud… in the flesh. Clouds never make mistakes. Did you ever see a cloud that was misshapen?  Did you ever see a badly designed wave? No! They always do the right thing. If you treat yourself for a while as a cloud, or wave, and realise that you can’t make a mistake whatever you do because even if you do something that seems to be totally disastrous is will all come out in the wash somehow or other. Then through this capacity you will develop a kind of confidence and through confidence you will be able to trust your own intuition.

It has nothing to do with your decision or not… You are like cloud and water.’ – Alan Watts

We need to develop an inner state of mind that is like the sky. The sky just is. It doesn’t congratulate itself for making a rainbow. It doesn’t ask for approval. It doesn’t ask the sun ‘Is this rainbow ok? Can I do better? Should I have used different colours?’ It doesn’t apologise when it’s raining. It knows that above the rainbows and the storms the sun is still shining. It’s just the sky. It’s the best at being the sky. You’re the best at being you and you can’t make a ‘mistake’.

We live in a state of mind and a society of approval addiction. We have a desire to be liked. We want to be recognised. We want what we are doing to be noticed. We want other people to like what we’re doing because we have this intrinsic need to be accepted. We look outside of ourselves for someone else to tell us that we’re doing the right thing, that what we are doing is good and worthwhile. This can be really debilitating. No, it is debilitating. There’s no ‘can be’ about it. We have been programmed as adults to search for other peoples approval and then mistake it for our own. If you can accept yourself totally as an individual then there is no need for outside approval. Just approve of yourself. If you spent as much time working on that as you do chasing other people’s approval, the shift you feel inside of yourself would astound you.

We are all born absolutely complete with one note to sing.  You just have to discover it and put it into practice. It doesn’t matter what other people think  as long as you are living your own joy and bliss. Is it making you happy? Does it feel right in your being? Surely that’s all that matters? If what you have created is a perfect reflection of your talents and ideas and how you perceive the world around you, what does it matter to anybody outside of you? People who resonate with you will get it. People who resonate differently won’t get it at all. It doesn’t matter. Don’t stop to think about what other people think about you. It’s a learnt behaviour and it can absolutely be unlearnt.

Shine. Don’t be like anybody else. Infact, be unlike everyone else.

Be as good at being you as you can. X

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Day #262 – It is what it is what it is.

 

The last 3 months I have been in proper turmoil with myself. My mind has been a chaotic, confused, helpless space. I’ve been waging this weird war inside my head. Struggling, beating myself up, questioning, begging… trying to fix things. Find things. Find an answer to all of this.

But then one day, I just decided from somewhere that it was enough now. I have to accept things as they are. Which you know… got me thinking.

When somebody tells you to ‘accept things’ we automatically associate that with settling. With not striving. With making do. With not trying to make things better. I’ve learnt that actually, it’s not that at all. Accepting is not the same as resigning yourself to the situation that you are so desperately trying to escape or better.

There’s absolutely no point in struggling against the things that you cannot change. Or the people you cannot change. Wishing that things were different. What could have been. What might be. If you just do this. Just do that… Stop! Accept things literally as they are. Right now. Even if you don’t like it. It’s the absolute and fundamental first step. This is your present moment.

No amount of wishing your situation away or rejecting it is going to make it go away. Rather than getting angry about it, blaming other people for it or shouting about how downright unfair life is, just accept that this is where you are right now. This is what is at your table. Have a good look at it. Get to know it. How does it make you feel? By looking at it square on, you know exactly what you’re playing with. If you don’t like it, it’s absolutely possible to change it, but you must accept it first. It’s imperative. Also the more you struggle and work against what you’re being dealt, the more energy you’re giving it. Have we learnt what that does yet? Makes it bigger. Stop feeding it.

We all have real life covering us. With real life comes responsibilities and restrictions at different times. One minute you’re flying high and the next you’re getting punched in the guts. Welcome to life! I know that I’m guilty of wishing some of my responsibilities away at different times. I’ve had this constant battle inside of late to push things forward quickly. This constant worry that if I don’t act immediately everything will pass me by and I’ll only be left with ‘real life’. The thought terrifies me. This music thing HAS to happen for me. I literally don’t even know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. But with that thought, comes a constant state of striving and looking to the future. Waiting. When’s it going to happen? Have I screwed it up? What if that was my best and only option? What I’ve started to do instead is just accept that this right here is where I am. It’s neither good or bad. It’s just my place. It’s very different to the place I was in 6 months ago and I’m sure in 6 months from now, I’ll say the same. I’ve decided to stop struggling. Here is where I am, and actually, looking around… It’s pretty sweet. I am so fortunate.

Trust that everything is unfolding just as it should. Every single situation that you find yourself in is preparing you for your desired goal. Your divine purpose. I remember when I first started and I thought I’d never get anyone to read my blog, I had no idea how I was going to even record a song. The band that I’m in were played on BBC Radio 6 music last night. Could I have foreseen that? Expected it? Absolutely not. If you look back 6 months at your own life, you’ll see that too. Stop trying to swim upstream and flap around. You’ll drown. Come this way. Float down the river.

Accepting things doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing. By no means. Nothing happens if you don’t work hard for it. Accepting things is a state of mind. Observe and accept that where you are and what you are doing right at this moment has it’s own role in your grand scheme. As you begin to accept your current self you can also plan for a brighter future. You’ll be able to see much more clearly where and what you you need to stop fighting with.

Sometimes the things that we have to accept aren’t things that we have inflicted on ourselves. They are nobody’s fault and out of everybody’s control. But as soon as we accept and own our situation, a certain power fills your bones. You’re back in control and you can look at things in a more manageable way. This is what you’ve got. What are you going to do with it? How are you going to deal with it?

Nobody said it was easy x

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Day #233 – The Invitation.

Then, one day she decided to design a life she loved.

Then, one day she decided to design a life she loved.

I’m somewhat technically limited presently. I’m without laptop and constrained to this strange invention one calls an iPad. Honestly, not sure why anybody would have one. It’s just a massive phone. I could have put my cash towards one the other day, but I chose a bass over a computer. It’s all for the same cause. Far prettier than any laptop I’ve ever seen and she speaks a language I understand. I can’t complan… Not too much.

Instead of writing a blog today and hammering you with personal development ideas, I’m going to share this beautiful poem I read the other day. It is Christmas after all! And the Winter Solstice! That’s quite significant. Today is the perfect day to set your intentions for the coming year. This poem made me so happy and resonated with me on every level. It’s basically what I want to ask people the minute I meet them. Small talk is over rated. I hope it fits somewhere for you too.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperONE, San Francisco, 1999 All rights reserved. http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com

Ahh! That one. I love words.

Music news? Co wrote and recorded an awesome little song the other day down at Old School Studios. When I flew back from New York with Icelandair I also didn’t realise that they are the international version of ryanair. No food. No music. No movies.. No beers. Oh unless you pay extra for all of the above. Long haul, that SUCKS! But what I did have was a window seat, a notebook and a pencil. The original material is coming, slowly but surely. Tortoises are way cooler. They win too. I also just treated myself to a bass. Look out for these ninja fingers. And I had my first master class recording onto 8 track. Even managed to fit in washing and feeding the kids. God knows why I’m so tired.

Go CREATE X

What I would love for Christmas is for your jolly self to come find me on my other social media and follow and subscribe! If you find these posts helpful, share them with your friends!

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Day #220 – My pocket of dreams.

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A few weeks ago I got my first hater. I have a hater! She made me sad. Now I love her and it makes me smile. One in 7,000 isn’t too bad an odd really. At the time I didn’t though. At the time I got this email telling me what a douche I was and I felt like being sick. Nobody likes the idea of another person thinking bad of them, especially when your intentions are good. It did make me stop and think though. Perhaps I do need to be clearer in what my intentions are. What my motivation is. I always assume that people have been reading this from Day #1. If you’ve just joined us – welcome!

I do have three beautiful daughters.They like to eat cheerios for breakfast. I’ve never talked about them on here, well because, it’s not relevant is it? This isn’t a parenting blog and I don’t want to pigeonhole myself by only directing my intentions towards one group of people. I want as many people to relate as possible. They are the three most intense and important human beings I’ve ever come across. They are an absolute full time job. From the minute I have my eyes rudely opened each morning until I go to bed I am doing that. There is no escaping it and to assume that ‘this’, my blog, my singing could even possibly take precedence over them is just crazy. Even if i wanted that to be the truth – it’s an impossibility. If you have small people yourself, you’ll know it. I wonder if I’d be so critically judged if I was doing more hours outside of the home in a ‘real’ job? If I worked in a supermarket and put them in full time child care? If I was being more socially acceptable.

I am the most private person who ordinarily despises using social media. I’m not interested in it at all. Instagram is nice. I like pictures. But otherwise, I’ve never really been into show casing my private life. It’s private and more fun to live it than report it. Unfortunately, it’s the world we live in now. It’s a marketing tool that is too important to reject. Whilst I might not like it, I don’t think I’m above it and I’m smart enough to know that its power is great. It’s got nothing to do with me loving myself. Or wanting people to look at me. I’d rather they didn’t. If I could do this faceless and from a dark room somewhere then I’d much prefer it. I’d probably be doing a lot more, a lot faster. The lack of confidence is holding me back somewhat. It takes all of my energy and determination to put my face on things. But it’s part of the parcel.

It has taken me the best part of 30 years to get to a point where I felt brave enough to face my fears and say out loud ‘I want to be a singer’. The whole point of the blog was and is to inspire other people. Other people who are in a similar situation to me who think they missed their dream boat. I wanted to be a working example that it’s not too late. Ever. There are always options and routes. I wanted to lay myself completely bare and be brutally honest. Yes that puts me in the firing line. There would be no point doing this if I sugar coated it. What help to other people would that be? Hey guys look how easy and great this is! No. This is life. This is how it’s going down. Yours is too. I’m just admitting it. We all feel the same. Have the same fears and issues. My thinking was that if I talk about it, people can see that, yes, dream chasing is scary and hard. But it’s also possible and fun. Look, she’s been knocked down again and gets up. I can do that too. That was my motivation. It still is. That’s why I write about the issues and personal development stuff. I’m relaying what is helping me move forward and grow, in the hope it helps someone else too. Why? Because I want as many people to be as happy as possible, living their bliss. I’m tired of seeing people dragging their sorry feet behind them. That is all.

Over the last 6 months, everything that I have worked on has been ON TOP of everything else. I write and work in the evenings when and if my children sleep. I am currently running on 4 hours sleep a night. I crammed working for studio time in around everybody else. I’ve always made myself be last in line. I write stuff on my phone as I’m walking to the park with my toddler. I practice whilst I’m doing the laundry or scrubbing crayon off the wall. Concentrate on my children? My dear, I do nothing but. They are smothered in love and skittles. If they were suffering, I would stop.

My goals and targets are still the same. Here is my original post on the topic in case you missed it http://wp.me/pRHlH-2T I want to record music. I want to be better. I want to be great. I want to make money doing that. I want to make decent money doing it so that I can share it around. I want to help other people. I want to support and work with organisations both small and big that are helping the wider community. I want to inspire my children how to live life. The only thing that has changed is that I am more realistic now than I was at the beginning. I have a lot of work to do and that’s the only way to go forward. Practice and hard work.

Life is fun. Play with it. Don’t waste your time. We don’t get that long. X

Come check out these bad boys …

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Day #218 – My light went out.

outbursts-and-meltdowns

Wow. So much for lighting up the entire sky. I burnt out about 4 days after and spent the last 2 weeks watering the sky rather than lighting it up. I think that’s a good thing though. I never cry. I bottle everything up and act like a hero. I haven’t this time and I’ve come out the other side a lot more humble and I feel a vulnerability I didn’t have before. I think I might keep her. If the ugly, heavy, creature lying across my chest could just get off now, then we’ll be in business. I’m working on that. Negotiations are taking longer than anticipated.

So much has happened in my personal life the last 6 weeks. A lot of things have been said. A lot of things have been done. Things I’m not proud of and things I’m sure other people aren’t proud of either. But I decided that I’m not going to talk about that. This blog isn’t a gossip column. I will say that there are always two sides to every story though and unless you’re a modern day saint, don’t be so quick to judge. Each persons actions are a reaction to their situation. You can’t possibly know as an outsider what a person has been through in their life and how that has affected them. How that implicates their actions. Keep that in mind. I am. It makes everyone suddenly seem beautiful and lovable.

Life really hurts sometimes. You can’t escape that. But I think as humans we try to. We do everything that we can to avoid pain. Avoid any kind of heartache. It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant. It’s only natural that we would want to avoid it. Nobody tells us to lean towards the pain and discomfort. We’re told to take a pill, distract ourselves, get help. Avoid and fix! Avoid and fix! What happens if we stop avoiding it? If we stop and turn around and look it right in the eyes? Sit with it. See it clearly rather than protecting ourselves. Well, it’s not pretty. But it’s good. What started off as a problem, suddenly becomes a source of wisdom.

The ground has been taken beneath my feet and I have nothing to grab hold of. It hurts. I have been beside myself. I have been this sad twice in my life. The first time was when my first love at 18 years old called me up and told me over the phone that he didn’t love me anymore. How cute first love is. I don’t love him anymore either. The second time was when I was 6 months pregnant and my step father dropped down dead over dinner. I didn’t think I would care that me and Tommy broke up. It was such a logical and practical thing to do. It made sense. We talked about it for a long time. We tried for a long time. We decided that this was for the best. Nobody was mortified. It had to be the right thing. Nobody was crying or shouting no. In my mind that indicated a massive lack of desire and romantic motivation. It was cool and dead. And it had been for longer than either of us wanted to admit.

Despite that, when our break up turned sour, as they all do eventually, no matter how beautiful the sentiment, I completely lost it. Ive cried until I’m sick. Ive had panic attacks. I’ve collapsed. I’ve drank and drank and drank. Ive cried some more. I’ve beaten myself up. Blamed myself. Had second thoughts. Doubted myself. Everything I have been working for felt pointless. I haven’t sang a word. I couldn’t write. I puked some more. Cried some more. Fell to the floor even more. I’ve spent years building this massive defence system to protect myself from things like this and it’s impenetrable. I keep everything and everyone at arms length as a fail safe protection strategy. Or so I thought.

I have learnt so much. I am so glad that my heart is broken. I am so glad that I have been broken. I’m still crying. I need to do some rebuilding. But positive, gentle and tender rebuilding. Fort Knox isn’t coming back. Maybe a nice circle of mature trees can take its place. I feel like one of those wild horses that has been vaguely tamed. I say vaguely, because my spirit is wild by nature and I neither can or have the inclination to change that. I have learnt the importance of pain and embracing it. It has triggered all sorts of unresolved issues in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have learnt the importance of pausing rather than immediately finding something or someone to fill the empty space in you. I’ve been made more than aware how my actions can cause harm and pain to other people. That there is something in all of us that we are trying to hide from and avoid and by acting quickly we manage to avoid it. I’ve come out the other side gentle. I never thought it possible. I feel gentle. That’s incredible in itself. I mean, it blows… But growing doesn’t. Learning doesn’t. Sometimes you need to have a pit stop, cry it out, mourn what you’ve lost. Do a little grieving. You can’t always charge full steam ahead regardless. I just learnt that. After 30 years. Apparently we’re all human…

It is definitely a balance though. You can’t stay in your pit too long else you’ll never get out and you’ll become depressed. This isn’t about wallowing or self pity. This is about allowing yourself to feel pain and knowing that it’s ok. That it’s part of life. Pleasure can’t exist without it. Cry until you’re sick but make sure you get up again. Refocus and keep moving towards what is important to you. Know what is important to you in the first place. Even if it feels harder than it ever felt. Even if you’ve lost the will. You have to try. You’ll be the only one to lose out if you don’t. Cry and then get up.

I’ve come to New York City. I’m here to be inspired. I’m going to cover myself in music and life. In buildings. In America. I’m going to write every day. I’m going to explore every day. Read every day. I’m going to try and sing a song. The air smells like waffles and I’ve already been to the Apollo theatre to watch some of the best musicians in the world. That has to be a good starting point.

Thank you to everyone for the kind messages and support you have all given and offered. It means so much and has stopped me from giving up. For reals.

Come follow me on my other social networks for music and pictures! There is going to be a lot of New York….

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Day #200 – Light up the sky.

love

Isn’t that beautiful?

Look at a love like that indeed. It’s what I aspire to and how I want to live.

What I have found great comfort in recently is not to expect anything from anyone. You need to be able to provide everything for yourself. All of your basic needs, both emotional and physical. Provide them for yourself. You need to love and cherish yourself first. It gives you such a feeling of self empowerment. I think this is especially important in relationships. It is so easy to suddenly place all of your happiness and needs onto another person and get angry with them when they’re not meeting those expectations. It’s not healthy.

I don’t mean that I don’t expect people to be nice. Or treat you well. But having this expectation that somebody else needs to act a certain way, or do certain things for you, is crazy. I know that I have definitely fallen into that trap on occasion and for that I’m truly sorry. We get caught up. It’s a sure fire way to feel suffocated, trapped and kill each others creativity. In any relationship. Platonic or romantic. You were separate beings when you met and it’s why you liked each other. Why expect them to join your camp? Can’t the camps co exist? Why do we always need to know what, where and how things are going?

Love isn’t a possession or a noun. It’s an action and it’s a verb. Once you shift your thinking this way, you realise that nobody can take that away. It’s impossible. Love is a way of being. Even when somebody walks away from you, you can still hold your action. Nobody can take that away. Get busy being lovING rather than trying to possess and hold onto a love.

Do everything from a place of love! For the love of it. Not because you are going to get something out of it. Not because you think it’ll lead to something else. Not because it’s what you should do. Just for the sheer joy of it. For the sake of it. Watch the shift in opportunities and people in your life. It’s incredible.

I realise that I don’t need anything. From anybody. That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to accept help from people or invite love into my life. But acknowledging the difference between need and want seems to be the thing here. Who doesn’t want love? I just don’t need it from someone else to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be reliant on another person to keep me standing up. That’s been the shift. What I want and what I need are separate. I forgot how much I believe this. If you love, respect and appreciate yourself already, you really don’t need anybody else to. It doesn’t matter. Beauty is everywhere. Look for it. Look up! It’s right in front of you. Take the time to walk down the street only looking for beautiful things and moments. Concentrate on the good. Focus on the positive. Watch the shift. It’s instantaneous. 

Be like the sun. Light up the entire sky.

In other news, I’ve got 165 days left to complete my Cosmic Order. Erm record deal, where are you? I want my experiment to work because experiments that work are FUN! X

Check out these bad boys… Subscribe to my youtube channel!

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Day #196 – Where the magic happens.

wherethemagichappens

I get that some people find change really scary. For some reason, it’s never scared me. I’m terrified to the point of having a panic attack about a few things. But change? Nah. It’s my favourite thing to do. If you can change it, you should. At any given opportunity.

As I’ve grown up I’ve observed the people around me. People thought I was just quiet. I was watching. And learning. And listening. I learnt that most adults are full of regret. I learnt that most adults were living a life they didn’t want to lead. I learnt that most adults couldn’t cope with that. I also learnt by watching people go to hell and back, that humans are a lot stronger than we think. I saw that no matter how bad things get, things always get better eventually. What my own mother may regret her children seeing and going through, I see as a blessing. I learnt how to love and how to live. Even if it was indirectly.

That has formed the way my brain works now. I’m not so scared of risks that I avoid them. With all my heart I don’t want to be one of the people I saw as a child, complaining about how their life turned out. Where it went wrong. What they’d do if they could do it all again. Why wait to do it all again? Why not do it now? Why fit in with what everybody around you expects? Is it their life that’s going to end up unfulfilled? The only person who’ll lose out is you.

Life is an experience. You have to jump in and bathe in all it’s glory.

Routine is great but it also limits your creativity. You become so used to doing the same thing every single day, going to the same place, talking to the same people, getting up at the same time, that your mind goes to sleep. You don’t need to think anymore or concentrate on what you’re doing. Creativity of any kind cannot flourish in that environment. You need to keep moving your mind. Changing it. Challenging it.

It takes a lot of courage to accept the fact that sometimes you are going to feel pain. But by avoiding your fears and the resulting discomfort it creates, you will bumble along in a mediocre life that doesn’t challenge you or grow you in any way shape or form. If you’re happy with that, then that’s amazing! You’ve made it! But if you’re not, you’re going to have to look at scarey stuff. Nobody is forcing you to.

Your life is in your hands. Nobody elses. X

Maybe I’ll start selling ball bags. It can be my first piece of merchandise. Until the ball bags are released though, you can come find me on my other social media networks… I’m getting a small collection of music together.

New song coming on Saturday! You’d better subscribe to my YouTube channel to be the first to hear it!

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Day #194 – Happy to be alive

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for. X

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for who has been my absolute rock X

I am so happy at this moment in time that I could cry.

I feel overwhelmed by people’s kindness and love. Think I’m turning emo. Been writing songs too. Jesus…

The last week has been crazy. It’s been the worst time of my entire life. I can say that with all of my conviction. I didn’t think I could cope. I thought I was going to collapse under the stress. I didn’t know what to do. Where to go… I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. And amongst all of that I had my children. My small beautiful noisy little children. I was a terrible mother. I felt like giving up on everything. I literally had nothing left. I felt trapped by my situation and had no idea how I was going to deal with that.

On top of that what was I going to do now about my music stuff? How the hell am I going to ‘make it’ now?! How am I going to even have the time or the mental capacity to make music and push myself forward?

I think its important to share that its not been easy. Break ups are ugly. The sentiment behind them can be beautiful but the physical slog of it is ugly. It can easily become mean and raw. I have a new level of understanding on why people stay together because they have children. Separating is sore. I decided today that I’m going to only focus on forgiveness.

It’s true what the voices say. It’s got to get really really dark before you see the sunshine again. You can’t imagine a darkness like that. You just can’t.  I met my darkness. I embraced him and he turned me around and showed me the most amount of light I’ve ever seen. This is clearly metaphorical. The only real voice I have in my head at the moment is the one telling me to drink wine. Im doing my best to ignore him.

I feel amazing in myself. I feel light. I feel free. I feel like I can breathe again and I hadn’t even realised that I’d previously stopped. I feel like I have everything and need nothing. Maybe this is bliss. I don’t even care. I’m just going to sit here and bathe in it because it’s been too long. It’s been way too long. How did I forget this?

I love life so much. I always have. I love it for all its ups and downs. I love experiencing its extremities. I love how just when you think you’re at rock bottom, something beautiful happens and you’re rescued. I suppose that is because I see life as a journey full of lessons and nothing more. Life is certainly nothing but magical. I have so much faith that everything is unfolding just as it should.

So here’s to the dark times. Thank you for making me appreciate the great and making me stronger and better. X

Aren’t you following me yet?! Oh come on! Get with the times people! No really, could you please add me to your networks and share the hell out of my posts… X

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Day #183 – Trust your instincts.

I-think-when-youre-young

Today’s post is pretty monumental.

Everything is changing. Everything has changed.

I feel in my heart that I’m halfway through my journey now. I couldn’t explain why entirely but I feel very connected to everything around me and what I’m doing. I just divided 365 by 2 and I was right. I’m out by half a day. It would appear I’m quite in tune with myself.

We are all born with strong, natural instincts. It’s why babies are so sensitive to their environments. They detect stress in a room without anyone even saying anything. We are born perfect. Then we start being interfered with. Numbed. We are taught to stop trusting ourselves. We lose touch with this inherent natural talent we all possess and spend the rest of our lives questioning everything that we do. That’s crazy isn’t it? How we would laugh if we saw a lion questioning his natural instincts to kill a deer. Or birds when they migrate. They trust what their body is telling them to do. You don’t see a crying bird.

When we go against our instincts, things don’t work. I’m sure you can remember a time yourself when, with hindsight, you’ve looked back at a situation and said ‘I KNEW I shouldn’t have done that!’ But you did. You did do it. Because you didn’t trust yourself. What you thought or wanted, didn’t fit in. You went with your head. With everyone around you. What they were all doing. What they were all saying. Your stomach told you otherwise, but you carried on.

Trusting your instincts is a scary business. It’s scary because we are all so out of practice. How do you know it’s your instinct?! What if it’s not?! What if you’re just having a moment of madness? I can only say that with practice you learn to tell the difference. Pay attention to how your body feels when you’re making decisions. Trust yourself entirely. Forget about how other people are going to react. Are you relaxed? Do you feel better? There is an abundance of literature on developing your intuition.

I wonder about the world. I wonder about everything. I wonder how things work, how things tick, how things can change. It’s never an occasional fleeting thought. It’s intrinsic. It’s in me. To change that would be to deny who I am. I want to explore everything. I’ve been trying to be someone I’m not. I’ve tried to calm down. I’ve tried to change the way I think. I’ve flattened and numbed myself to make something I thought had the potential of being a beautiful flower work. I’ve questioned the way I am. I’ve believed that there must be something ‘wrong’ with the way I see life and how I want to live it. I’ve tried to fit in and play the game.

Me and the T dog have decided to walk in different directions. And that’s ok. No it’s not ideal in societal terms. It’s not what ‘one’ does. We’re taught to stick out mediocre relationships because that’s just what a relationship is. They are hard and take effort. You have to take the bad with the good. You’ve got children, there’s no other option. But we both feel like numb, suffocated, trapped messes. We’ve killed each other. That’s not kind. Love doesn’t do that.

When two people continuously over a long period of time can’t make things work despite trying desperately, to the point they are no longer living in accordance with their own truth… It’s time to be courageous enough to stop it. I’d rather be alone than responsible for somebody else’s misery.

In my mind love is free. It’s so free. It’s a meeting. It’s a passing. It’s a nourishment. When two people bring out the very worst in each other and you slowly watch each other turn into people you are not, it’s time to change.

I am so glad that we have found the strength after 4 years and not 40 to recognise this. To respect each other enough to let each other go. Regardless of how much that hurts.

I have felt so disconnected. I’ve even questioned my mental health. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t aspire to live how I’m expected to. But last night I realised, I’m not crazy. I feel disconnected because I’m not following the set path we are told to follow. How can you connect with a society and people around you that you don’t believe in? Of course I feel disconnected. It’s a positive thing. For me. I’m finally listening to my truth and I’ll make sure I never forget that again.

It’s taken a lot of courage and time. It’s not a decision you come to lightly or quickly. And we have tried. God we have tried. Neither of us have anything left and what we do have left is ugly. We are setting each other free so we can both be great and inspiring parents to our beautiful girls. For the first time in 2 years, I see a spark in his eye. That is love.

Where do we go from here? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other in what I think is the right direction…

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Thank you for all your support and love as always xx