Tag Archives: relationships

Day #365 – The End. The beginning.

Wow. I can’t believe it’s the end of this chapter already. What a year…

Cosmic Order started as an experiment. I like playing with things. Life is supposed to be playful. I wanted to see if cosmic ordering actually worked. I wanted to see if anything really is possible  if we are brave enough. I saw so many people, including myself, stuck in the rat race, stuck doing things society said they should be doing, being something everyone else wanted them to be. I saw a lot of sad and frustrated people. I wanted to do this experiment for them as much as me. Hell, if I can do it, then we all can.

My cosmic order was that I wanted to be a singer. I wanted a record deal. I wanted the massive record deal specifically because I wanted to be earning heaps of money so I could pile it into the community. I wanted to help fix all the things our leaders and governments are ignoring. I’m so tired of seeing people sleep outside and then walking past a derelict house.

When I started I was not a singer. I was a full time mother to three young children. I’d been at home with them, doing nothing much for myself, for the best part of three years. I’d had some singing lessons and sang a handful of times on stage but mostly in secret. Nobody knew that I wanted to sing so badly or that the only thing I really ever dreamed of was working in music. It wasn’t a real job. It wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t achievable. There is a certain amount of stigma attached to non mainstream, creative careers. A sense of ‘That’s cute, but what are you really going to do? You need to get a real job’. So you can get the mortgage and picket fence and what not. I sang at home. All the time. The minute the house was empty, from the age of fifteen, I sang to the walls. I tried to want to do other things. I studied an array of different subjects and industries, both creative and academic. None of them stuck. None of them will ever stick. Because I want to sing and work in music. It is, was and always will be music. I feel better since being honest.

I had no idea how this was going to pan out. I was terrified that I’d shared my dreams. I was terrified that I was going to get laughed at. I was terrified that I was going to fail. Or look stupid. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities. I wasn’t good enough. I had not one clue how I was going to even start making music. I’d never recorded anything myself before. Computers aren’t my friends. I knew nothing. But I decided what I wanted and started walking. Whatever thought or feeling came into my head, I wrote about it and as I slowly worked through my own demons, opportunities started coming. I didn’t look for them. I didn’t think about them. They just came. I kept working on myself and working hard in the right direction and every time an opportunity came my way I said yes. I had no idea where anything would go, if anywhere, but I trusted something would come out of everything I pursued. I would learn something in every situation.

The amount that I took on this year has been insane but you know what? You’ll work hard for the things that matter to you. If you don’t, you don’t want it enough. I did a lot of personal development work as a result of the cosmic ordering research I was doing. The more I read, the more I learnt. Anything IS possible and there is beauty and love everywhere, sitting waiting to lavish us if only we would see it. We can all lead the lives we want to. We just need to fix ourselves and our thinking first. Life is fundamentally beautiful. Shit happens, but that fact remains. It’s not a rat race. It’s not a struggle. It’s not a battle.  We weren’t born for that. We weren’t born to live a life that somebody else thinks we should live. We weren’t born to be sad. It’s a wonderful life and it’s a gift. It’s yours.

So does cosmic ordering work? That was the question. That was the experiment. The answer is yes. Without a doubt. The law of attraction is as powerful as the law of gravity. It has worked in my life in both good ways and bad ways and I’ve observed them both. When I’ve been feeling awful and negative I attracted nothing but crap and blocks. When I felt happy and positive and open, when I believed in myself, opportunities came. All I did was say out loud, ‘I want to be a singer’ and focused on that. I didn’t sit back and wait for it to be delivered on a silver plate. Life doesn’t work like that. I got up off my arse and worked until I cried. I learnt how to use my computer (a little bit), I learnt how to record music at home, I got a job working at a music studio in return for studio time, I learnt how recording onto 8 track works. I learnt a lot about the music industry. How it works. How labels work. How actually getting a record deal isn’t the be all and end all. I’ve learnt about PR. I’ve learnt that you can do everything yourself. I started a band with one of the most talented people I have ever had the pleasure of. Last week our band Rope Store played the Norwich Arts Centre, voted the UKs best small music venue, supporting Speedometer, an incredible funk band. It was our 2nd gig. I am a singer. It works. Oh the record deal bit didn’t happen. Not yet. Maybe it won’t. Maybe it will. It doesn’t really matter. I know that I could make that bit happen if I worked hard at getting it and was clear about exactly what I want. I haven’t built shit loads of affordable housing either or solved the UKs unaffordable childcare problem. But you know, give it time. It’s time for a new order.

The most wonderful thing about this has been the unexpected opportunities and lessons life threw at me along the way. The blog reminded me how much I enjoy writing and for the last few months I’ve been writing for several online magazines, building my portfolio back up, so that I can do freelance writing alongside the music. The surprises weren’t all great. Six months in I became a single parent. Dealing with a major break up and turning solo definitely impacted my progress and had that not happened, who knows where or what I’d be doing. I almost drowned a few times. I’m not a great swimmer but my arm bands are incredible. I believe that everything happens for our greater good. I got shattered, bashed and bruised and I’ve never felt so open and broken and vulnerable in my life. I didn’t know a break up could create that much seemingly endless pain and suffering. I don’t believe it should actually. But I’ve also never felt so grateful or still. Maybe I needed that. Life is beautiful.

So that’s it! Cosmic Order is over! I’m taking off. I’ve got this bass that I have to get busy with, I’m turning this blog into a book (it’s much juicier), I’ve got some original solo material I want to work on, our band Rope Store are making little ripples and I need to go outside and shout thank you to the sky and laugh my head off with my little girls.

Thank you SO much to each and every one of you. You have no idea how grateful I am for your support. I have been absolutely over whelmed by the response I have received. Over 10,000 people from all over the world have taken the time to read my ramblings. Total strangers have emailed me with words of encouragement and it’s made me so happy that I’ve helped them in some way follow their own bliss too. Please do what makes you happy.

Mr Jason. I’ll be eternally grateful to you and EVERYTHING you have taught me and helped me with. Thank you for the ear upgrade, the corona addiction and keeping me going when shit got rough. Thank you for being such a wonderful and true friend.

I’ll be back in September with a new cosmic order and a new and improved soap box. It’s far from over. In the meantime you can follow me on twitter, instagram, Facebook.. Youtube. God social media, why are there so many of you?

Things end. Things also begin. X

Social media is all we have left! Come join the non stop party… 

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http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

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Day #271 – I am a disappointment…

BlackandWhite-vodka-disappointment-Quotes-truth-liquor-drunk-alcohol-party-Quotes

… I am also kind.

I think I’m struggling to keep my head above the water but I can’t tell because I’m kicking so hard I have no idea what’s going on around me. Maybe I’m drowning. Maybe I’m a human dolphin. I’ve been told I’m a disappointment until sometimes I can’t move. I’ve been told that other people share this sentiment. I’ve been told that I’m not hated… But other people ‘disapprove’ of me. People I really cared about. People I thought were awesome. You tell anybody this for long enough, you’ll break them. They won’t be able to hear the other people around them saying nice things. The strangers thanking them. Day in, day out I’ve been asked to recount and explain myself.  Sometimes I’m good enough, most of the time I’m not. I’ll never be forgiven for this thing that wasn’t that thing at all. Sometimes it’s easier to blame somebody else than look at an entire picture. 

But I’ve had it. It’s too much. Perhaps I am a disappointment to some people. That’s ok. Nobody knows the truth. I do. I know the entire truth. Nobody’s really bothered to ask. We should all be taught when we are young that we are going to go through life disappointing people one after the other. Instead we are taught “Don’t disappoint!”, “Disappointing people is bad!” As a result we live our entire lives trying to please other people and worrying about what everyone else thinks of us. Even if you were as perfect as they come, you’d still disappoint someone somewhere. It’s the trouble with humans. As long as you’re not disappointing yourself, that’s all that matters. And if you do screw up and do a tiny thing on your massive journey that makes you disappointed in yourself. Say sorry. Be sorry. Show that you’re sorry. Do everything that you can to remedy that situation and support the people that you may have hurt (and yourself). Don’t do it again. Learn from it. But most importantly, forgive yourself and keep walking. Don’t kill yourself over it. What the hell is the point beating yourself up over things you can’t change or undo? Some people will never understand you or want to for that matter. Do you realise how short life is? We could all be dead tomorrow. That’s the reality. Grab life and screw what everyone else thinks.

I’m learning that no matter what other people think of you, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If the people around you don’t make you feel good – don’t be around them anymore. Why are you inviting someone into your life, out of choice, that doesn’t make you feel good? Nobody’s friendship is that special or worth it if they don’t bring out the best in you and love you as you are. Nobody’s. Sometimes that hurts. Actually it really hurts. Loving someone and wanting to be a positive influence in their life and being met with hostility and rejection hurts. But so do unsupportive friendships. Friends are kind beings and friendship is a two way street. Don’t forget that. We are all worthy of being surrounded by kindness.

I’ve been trying to work out how I can use my current situation to help other people in relation to the whole cosmic ordering business. Chasing your dreams. Living your dreams. Being yourself. And I guess it’s just this, which I’ve said a few times before. Life is never going to be smooth. Stop waiting for things to calm down to start your project or your business or your class. Whatever it is that you want to do or wherever it is you want to go. Stop waiting. The perfect time doesn’t exist and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be much harder than you can even imagine no matter how ‘perfect’ you have timed and planned things. Something unexpected will always happen. When the going gets rough, you can’t give up. As much as you want to. Stay focused and know that all the things that are problems now will be distant memories one day. If you give up, nothing’s going to change. You have to start and you have to carry on, amidst everything. It blows, but the alternative blows more.

Hi. I’m a human. I make mistakes. Other people do too. Nice to meet you. X

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Day #218 – My light went out.

outbursts-and-meltdowns

Wow. So much for lighting up the entire sky. I burnt out about 4 days after and spent the last 2 weeks watering the sky rather than lighting it up. I think that’s a good thing though. I never cry. I bottle everything up and act like a hero. I haven’t this time and I’ve come out the other side a lot more humble and I feel a vulnerability I didn’t have before. I think I might keep her. If the ugly, heavy, creature lying across my chest could just get off now, then we’ll be in business. I’m working on that. Negotiations are taking longer than anticipated.

So much has happened in my personal life the last 6 weeks. A lot of things have been said. A lot of things have been done. Things I’m not proud of and things I’m sure other people aren’t proud of either. But I decided that I’m not going to talk about that. This blog isn’t a gossip column. I will say that there are always two sides to every story though and unless you’re a modern day saint, don’t be so quick to judge. Each persons actions are a reaction to their situation. You can’t possibly know as an outsider what a person has been through in their life and how that has affected them. How that implicates their actions. Keep that in mind. I am. It makes everyone suddenly seem beautiful and lovable.

Life really hurts sometimes. You can’t escape that. But I think as humans we try to. We do everything that we can to avoid pain. Avoid any kind of heartache. It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant. It’s only natural that we would want to avoid it. Nobody tells us to lean towards the pain and discomfort. We’re told to take a pill, distract ourselves, get help. Avoid and fix! Avoid and fix! What happens if we stop avoiding it? If we stop and turn around and look it right in the eyes? Sit with it. See it clearly rather than protecting ourselves. Well, it’s not pretty. But it’s good. What started off as a problem, suddenly becomes a source of wisdom.

The ground has been taken beneath my feet and I have nothing to grab hold of. It hurts. I have been beside myself. I have been this sad twice in my life. The first time was when my first love at 18 years old called me up and told me over the phone that he didn’t love me anymore. How cute first love is. I don’t love him anymore either. The second time was when I was 6 months pregnant and my step father dropped down dead over dinner. I didn’t think I would care that me and Tommy broke up. It was such a logical and practical thing to do. It made sense. We talked about it for a long time. We tried for a long time. We decided that this was for the best. Nobody was mortified. It had to be the right thing. Nobody was crying or shouting no. In my mind that indicated a massive lack of desire and romantic motivation. It was cool and dead. And it had been for longer than either of us wanted to admit.

Despite that, when our break up turned sour, as they all do eventually, no matter how beautiful the sentiment, I completely lost it. Ive cried until I’m sick. Ive had panic attacks. I’ve collapsed. I’ve drank and drank and drank. Ive cried some more. I’ve beaten myself up. Blamed myself. Had second thoughts. Doubted myself. Everything I have been working for felt pointless. I haven’t sang a word. I couldn’t write. I puked some more. Cried some more. Fell to the floor even more. I’ve spent years building this massive defence system to protect myself from things like this and it’s impenetrable. I keep everything and everyone at arms length as a fail safe protection strategy. Or so I thought.

I have learnt so much. I am so glad that my heart is broken. I am so glad that I have been broken. I’m still crying. I need to do some rebuilding. But positive, gentle and tender rebuilding. Fort Knox isn’t coming back. Maybe a nice circle of mature trees can take its place. I feel like one of those wild horses that has been vaguely tamed. I say vaguely, because my spirit is wild by nature and I neither can or have the inclination to change that. I have learnt the importance of pain and embracing it. It has triggered all sorts of unresolved issues in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have learnt the importance of pausing rather than immediately finding something or someone to fill the empty space in you. I’ve been made more than aware how my actions can cause harm and pain to other people. That there is something in all of us that we are trying to hide from and avoid and by acting quickly we manage to avoid it. I’ve come out the other side gentle. I never thought it possible. I feel gentle. That’s incredible in itself. I mean, it blows… But growing doesn’t. Learning doesn’t. Sometimes you need to have a pit stop, cry it out, mourn what you’ve lost. Do a little grieving. You can’t always charge full steam ahead regardless. I just learnt that. After 30 years. Apparently we’re all human…

It is definitely a balance though. You can’t stay in your pit too long else you’ll never get out and you’ll become depressed. This isn’t about wallowing or self pity. This is about allowing yourself to feel pain and knowing that it’s ok. That it’s part of life. Pleasure can’t exist without it. Cry until you’re sick but make sure you get up again. Refocus and keep moving towards what is important to you. Know what is important to you in the first place. Even if it feels harder than it ever felt. Even if you’ve lost the will. You have to try. You’ll be the only one to lose out if you don’t. Cry and then get up.

I’ve come to New York City. I’m here to be inspired. I’m going to cover myself in music and life. In buildings. In America. I’m going to write every day. I’m going to explore every day. Read every day. I’m going to try and sing a song. The air smells like waffles and I’ve already been to the Apollo theatre to watch some of the best musicians in the world. That has to be a good starting point.

Thank you to everyone for the kind messages and support you have all given and offered. It means so much and has stopped me from giving up. For reals.

Come follow me on my other social networks for music and pictures! There is going to be a lot of New York….

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Day #200 – Light up the sky.

love

Isn’t that beautiful?

Look at a love like that indeed. It’s what I aspire to and how I want to live.

What I have found great comfort in recently is not to expect anything from anyone. You need to be able to provide everything for yourself. All of your basic needs, both emotional and physical. Provide them for yourself. You need to love and cherish yourself first. It gives you such a feeling of self empowerment. I think this is especially important in relationships. It is so easy to suddenly place all of your happiness and needs onto another person and get angry with them when they’re not meeting those expectations. It’s not healthy.

I don’t mean that I don’t expect people to be nice. Or treat you well. But having this expectation that somebody else needs to act a certain way, or do certain things for you, is crazy. I know that I have definitely fallen into that trap on occasion and for that I’m truly sorry. We get caught up. It’s a sure fire way to feel suffocated, trapped and kill each others creativity. In any relationship. Platonic or romantic. You were separate beings when you met and it’s why you liked each other. Why expect them to join your camp? Can’t the camps co exist? Why do we always need to know what, where and how things are going?

Love isn’t a possession or a noun. It’s an action and it’s a verb. Once you shift your thinking this way, you realise that nobody can take that away. It’s impossible. Love is a way of being. Even when somebody walks away from you, you can still hold your action. Nobody can take that away. Get busy being lovING rather than trying to possess and hold onto a love.

Do everything from a place of love! For the love of it. Not because you are going to get something out of it. Not because you think it’ll lead to something else. Not because it’s what you should do. Just for the sheer joy of it. For the sake of it. Watch the shift in opportunities and people in your life. It’s incredible.

I realise that I don’t need anything. From anybody. That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to accept help from people or invite love into my life. But acknowledging the difference between need and want seems to be the thing here. Who doesn’t want love? I just don’t need it from someone else to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be reliant on another person to keep me standing up. That’s been the shift. What I want and what I need are separate. I forgot how much I believe this. If you love, respect and appreciate yourself already, you really don’t need anybody else to. It doesn’t matter. Beauty is everywhere. Look for it. Look up! It’s right in front of you. Take the time to walk down the street only looking for beautiful things and moments. Concentrate on the good. Focus on the positive. Watch the shift. It’s instantaneous. 

Be like the sun. Light up the entire sky.

In other news, I’ve got 165 days left to complete my Cosmic Order. Erm record deal, where are you? I want my experiment to work because experiments that work are FUN! X

Check out these bad boys… Subscribe to my youtube channel!

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Day #198 – A song for boys.

Im finally working out how I want to sound. What kind of music I want to make and how I’m going to make that happen. It’s all falling into place mysteriously and beautifully. I’m working as hard as I can at any and every given opportunity.

My latest cover is Basement Jaxx ‘Good luck’. Rather than recording onto the computer we recorded and mixed straight onto 8 track so I could hear and see the difference. It is and was amazing. I love the olden days. Most things were better. I hope you like my technological analysis of the experience. I just feel like I’m in the Dharma initiative most of the time. Never watched ‘Lost’? Then you’ll have no idea to what I’m referring.

I was pretty lucky to have the help from Jason’s incredibly talented sound assistant Connor who plays in the band ‘Box Of Light’ on piano and Jason on drums. We recorded live take after take after take…. until it was as ‘perfect’ as it was going to get from a live point of view. It felt amazing recording with a band vibe rather than doing it all separate. It’s still a little rough around the edges but you know what? I’m getting there. Practice practice practice…

Check it OUT.

 

Music is happening and it’s making me feel alive.

Enjoy your weekend! X

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Day #194 – Happy to be alive

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for. X

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for who has been my absolute rock X

I am so happy at this moment in time that I could cry.

I feel overwhelmed by people’s kindness and love. Think I’m turning emo. Been writing songs too. Jesus…

The last week has been crazy. It’s been the worst time of my entire life. I can say that with all of my conviction. I didn’t think I could cope. I thought I was going to collapse under the stress. I didn’t know what to do. Where to go… I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. And amongst all of that I had my children. My small beautiful noisy little children. I was a terrible mother. I felt like giving up on everything. I literally had nothing left. I felt trapped by my situation and had no idea how I was going to deal with that.

On top of that what was I going to do now about my music stuff? How the hell am I going to ‘make it’ now?! How am I going to even have the time or the mental capacity to make music and push myself forward?

I think its important to share that its not been easy. Break ups are ugly. The sentiment behind them can be beautiful but the physical slog of it is ugly. It can easily become mean and raw. I have a new level of understanding on why people stay together because they have children. Separating is sore. I decided today that I’m going to only focus on forgiveness.

It’s true what the voices say. It’s got to get really really dark before you see the sunshine again. You can’t imagine a darkness like that. You just can’t.  I met my darkness. I embraced him and he turned me around and showed me the most amount of light I’ve ever seen. This is clearly metaphorical. The only real voice I have in my head at the moment is the one telling me to drink wine. Im doing my best to ignore him.

I feel amazing in myself. I feel light. I feel free. I feel like I can breathe again and I hadn’t even realised that I’d previously stopped. I feel like I have everything and need nothing. Maybe this is bliss. I don’t even care. I’m just going to sit here and bathe in it because it’s been too long. It’s been way too long. How did I forget this?

I love life so much. I always have. I love it for all its ups and downs. I love experiencing its extremities. I love how just when you think you’re at rock bottom, something beautiful happens and you’re rescued. I suppose that is because I see life as a journey full of lessons and nothing more. Life is certainly nothing but magical. I have so much faith that everything is unfolding just as it should.

So here’s to the dark times. Thank you for making me appreciate the great and making me stronger and better. X

Aren’t you following me yet?! Oh come on! Get with the times people! No really, could you please add me to your networks and share the hell out of my posts… X

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Day #183 – Trust your instincts.

I-think-when-youre-young

Today’s post is pretty monumental.

Everything is changing. Everything has changed.

I feel in my heart that I’m halfway through my journey now. I couldn’t explain why entirely but I feel very connected to everything around me and what I’m doing. I just divided 365 by 2 and I was right. I’m out by half a day. It would appear I’m quite in tune with myself.

We are all born with strong, natural instincts. It’s why babies are so sensitive to their environments. They detect stress in a room without anyone even saying anything. We are born perfect. Then we start being interfered with. Numbed. We are taught to stop trusting ourselves. We lose touch with this inherent natural talent we all possess and spend the rest of our lives questioning everything that we do. That’s crazy isn’t it? How we would laugh if we saw a lion questioning his natural instincts to kill a deer. Or birds when they migrate. They trust what their body is telling them to do. You don’t see a crying bird.

When we go against our instincts, things don’t work. I’m sure you can remember a time yourself when, with hindsight, you’ve looked back at a situation and said ‘I KNEW I shouldn’t have done that!’ But you did. You did do it. Because you didn’t trust yourself. What you thought or wanted, didn’t fit in. You went with your head. With everyone around you. What they were all doing. What they were all saying. Your stomach told you otherwise, but you carried on.

Trusting your instincts is a scary business. It’s scary because we are all so out of practice. How do you know it’s your instinct?! What if it’s not?! What if you’re just having a moment of madness? I can only say that with practice you learn to tell the difference. Pay attention to how your body feels when you’re making decisions. Trust yourself entirely. Forget about how other people are going to react. Are you relaxed? Do you feel better? There is an abundance of literature on developing your intuition.

I wonder about the world. I wonder about everything. I wonder how things work, how things tick, how things can change. It’s never an occasional fleeting thought. It’s intrinsic. It’s in me. To change that would be to deny who I am. I want to explore everything. I’ve been trying to be someone I’m not. I’ve tried to calm down. I’ve tried to change the way I think. I’ve flattened and numbed myself to make something I thought had the potential of being a beautiful flower work. I’ve questioned the way I am. I’ve believed that there must be something ‘wrong’ with the way I see life and how I want to live it. I’ve tried to fit in and play the game.

Me and the T dog have decided to walk in different directions. And that’s ok. No it’s not ideal in societal terms. It’s not what ‘one’ does. We’re taught to stick out mediocre relationships because that’s just what a relationship is. They are hard and take effort. You have to take the bad with the good. You’ve got children, there’s no other option. But we both feel like numb, suffocated, trapped messes. We’ve killed each other. That’s not kind. Love doesn’t do that.

When two people continuously over a long period of time can’t make things work despite trying desperately, to the point they are no longer living in accordance with their own truth… It’s time to be courageous enough to stop it. I’d rather be alone than responsible for somebody else’s misery.

In my mind love is free. It’s so free. It’s a meeting. It’s a passing. It’s a nourishment. When two people bring out the very worst in each other and you slowly watch each other turn into people you are not, it’s time to change.

I am so glad that we have found the strength after 4 years and not 40 to recognise this. To respect each other enough to let each other go. Regardless of how much that hurts.

I have felt so disconnected. I’ve even questioned my mental health. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t aspire to live how I’m expected to. But last night I realised, I’m not crazy. I feel disconnected because I’m not following the set path we are told to follow. How can you connect with a society and people around you that you don’t believe in? Of course I feel disconnected. It’s a positive thing. For me. I’m finally listening to my truth and I’ll make sure I never forget that again.

It’s taken a lot of courage and time. It’s not a decision you come to lightly or quickly. And we have tried. God we have tried. Neither of us have anything left and what we do have left is ugly. We are setting each other free so we can both be great and inspiring parents to our beautiful girls. For the first time in 2 years, I see a spark in his eye. That is love.

Where do we go from here? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other in what I think is the right direction…

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Thank you for all your support and love as always xx