Tag Archives: Self belief

Day #365 – The End. The beginning.

Wow. I can’t believe it’s the end of this chapter already. What a year…

Cosmic Order started as an experiment. I like playing with things. Life is supposed to be playful. I wanted to see if cosmic ordering actually worked. I wanted to see if anything really is possible  if we are brave enough. I saw so many people, including myself, stuck in the rat race, stuck doing things society said they should be doing, being something everyone else wanted them to be. I saw a lot of sad and frustrated people. I wanted to do this experiment for them as much as me. Hell, if I can do it, then we all can.

My cosmic order was that I wanted to be a singer. I wanted a record deal. I wanted the massive record deal specifically because I wanted to be earning heaps of money so I could pile it into the community. I wanted to help fix all the things our leaders and governments are ignoring. I’m so tired of seeing people sleep outside and then walking past a derelict house.

When I started I was not a singer. I was a full time mother to three young children. I’d been at home with them, doing nothing much for myself, for the best part of three years. I’d had some singing lessons and sang a handful of times on stage but mostly in secret. Nobody knew that I wanted to sing so badly or that the only thing I really ever dreamed of was working in music. It wasn’t a real job. It wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t achievable. There is a certain amount of stigma attached to non mainstream, creative careers. A sense of ‘That’s cute, but what are you really going to do? You need to get a real job’. So you can get the mortgage and picket fence and what not. I sang at home. All the time. The minute the house was empty, from the age of fifteen, I sang to the walls. I tried to want to do other things. I studied an array of different subjects and industries, both creative and academic. None of them stuck. None of them will ever stick. Because I want to sing and work in music. It is, was and always will be music. I feel better since being honest.

I had no idea how this was going to pan out. I was terrified that I’d shared my dreams. I was terrified that I was going to get laughed at. I was terrified that I was going to fail. Or look stupid. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities. I wasn’t good enough. I had not one clue how I was going to even start making music. I’d never recorded anything myself before. Computers aren’t my friends. I knew nothing. But I decided what I wanted and started walking. Whatever thought or feeling came into my head, I wrote about it and as I slowly worked through my own demons, opportunities started coming. I didn’t look for them. I didn’t think about them. They just came. I kept working on myself and working hard in the right direction and every time an opportunity came my way I said yes. I had no idea where anything would go, if anywhere, but I trusted something would come out of everything I pursued. I would learn something in every situation.

The amount that I took on this year has been insane but you know what? You’ll work hard for the things that matter to you. If you don’t, you don’t want it enough. I did a lot of personal development work as a result of the cosmic ordering research I was doing. The more I read, the more I learnt. Anything IS possible and there is beauty and love everywhere, sitting waiting to lavish us if only we would see it. We can all lead the lives we want to. We just need to fix ourselves and our thinking first. Life is fundamentally beautiful. Shit happens, but that fact remains. It’s not a rat race. It’s not a struggle. It’s not a battle.  We weren’t born for that. We weren’t born to live a life that somebody else thinks we should live. We weren’t born to be sad. It’s a wonderful life and it’s a gift. It’s yours.

So does cosmic ordering work? That was the question. That was the experiment. The answer is yes. Without a doubt. The law of attraction is as powerful as the law of gravity. It has worked in my life in both good ways and bad ways and I’ve observed them both. When I’ve been feeling awful and negative I attracted nothing but crap and blocks. When I felt happy and positive and open, when I believed in myself, opportunities came. All I did was say out loud, ‘I want to be a singer’ and focused on that. I didn’t sit back and wait for it to be delivered on a silver plate. Life doesn’t work like that. I got up off my arse and worked until I cried. I learnt how to use my computer (a little bit), I learnt how to record music at home, I got a job working at a music studio in return for studio time, I learnt how recording onto 8 track works. I learnt a lot about the music industry. How it works. How labels work. How actually getting a record deal isn’t the be all and end all. I’ve learnt about PR. I’ve learnt that you can do everything yourself. I started a band with one of the most talented people I have ever had the pleasure of. Last week our band Rope Store played the Norwich Arts Centre, voted the UKs best small music venue, supporting Speedometer, an incredible funk band. It was our 2nd gig. I am a singer. It works. Oh the record deal bit didn’t happen. Not yet. Maybe it won’t. Maybe it will. It doesn’t really matter. I know that I could make that bit happen if I worked hard at getting it and was clear about exactly what I want. I haven’t built shit loads of affordable housing either or solved the UKs unaffordable childcare problem. But you know, give it time. It’s time for a new order.

The most wonderful thing about this has been the unexpected opportunities and lessons life threw at me along the way. The blog reminded me how much I enjoy writing and for the last few months I’ve been writing for several online magazines, building my portfolio back up, so that I can do freelance writing alongside the music. The surprises weren’t all great. Six months in I became a single parent. Dealing with a major break up and turning solo definitely impacted my progress and had that not happened, who knows where or what I’d be doing. I almost drowned a few times. I’m not a great swimmer but my arm bands are incredible. I believe that everything happens for our greater good. I got shattered, bashed and bruised and I’ve never felt so open and broken and vulnerable in my life. I didn’t know a break up could create that much seemingly endless pain and suffering. I don’t believe it should actually. But I’ve also never felt so grateful or still. Maybe I needed that. Life is beautiful.

So that’s it! Cosmic Order is over! I’m taking off. I’ve got this bass that I have to get busy with, I’m turning this blog into a book (it’s much juicier), I’ve got some original solo material I want to work on, our band Rope Store are making little ripples and I need to go outside and shout thank you to the sky and laugh my head off with my little girls.

Thank you SO much to each and every one of you. You have no idea how grateful I am for your support. I have been absolutely over whelmed by the response I have received. Over 10,000 people from all over the world have taken the time to read my ramblings. Total strangers have emailed me with words of encouragement and it’s made me so happy that I’ve helped them in some way follow their own bliss too. Please do what makes you happy.

Mr Jason. I’ll be eternally grateful to you and EVERYTHING you have taught me and helped me with. Thank you for the ear upgrade, the corona addiction and keeping me going when shit got rough. Thank you for being such a wonderful and true friend.

I’ll be back in September with a new cosmic order and a new and improved soap box. It’s far from over. In the meantime you can follow me on twitter, instagram, Facebook.. Youtube. God social media, why are there so many of you?

Things end. Things also begin. X

Social media is all we have left! Come join the non stop party… 

http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

 

 

 

 

Day #338 – Just like this.

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There is not one single other human being on this planet that is like you. You’re an intricate, complicated, beautiful individual and you’re the best at it. You’re not just someones sister or brother. You’re not just a parent. Or a banker or a doctor or a teacher. Or any of the jobs. Those can be used as ways to describe the things you do or your position in a family or your own community. But that’s not YOU. We all have our own thing. We all come with our own sense of magic and strength. You’re not a patchwork of other peoples ideas and opinions. Think back to when you were a kid. Before you started to care what other people thought. Before people told you who you were. You were fantastic at being yourself. You didn’t cover up your differences. You will always be the best at being you. Why would you want to be something or someone else? Your beauty is infinite.

If we look around the natural world we observe and appreciate this very fact. We don’t look at a blade of grass and think why isn’t it a flower? Why can’t it be a tree? We accept it as it is. It’s perfect. It’s a blade of grass. It’s doing what it’s been made to do. Well, we’re exactly the same but sadly social conditioning has made us think otherwise. I am a huge fan of Alan Watts. He said this. I think we should take note.

‘Regard yourself as a cloud… in the flesh. Clouds never make mistakes. Did you ever see a cloud that was misshapen?  Did you ever see a badly designed wave? No! They always do the right thing. If you treat yourself for a while as a cloud, or wave, and realise that you can’t make a mistake whatever you do because even if you do something that seems to be totally disastrous is will all come out in the wash somehow or other. Then through this capacity you will develop a kind of confidence and through confidence you will be able to trust your own intuition.

It has nothing to do with your decision or not… You are like cloud and water.’ – Alan Watts

We need to develop an inner state of mind that is like the sky. The sky just is. It doesn’t congratulate itself for making a rainbow. It doesn’t ask for approval. It doesn’t ask the sun ‘Is this rainbow ok? Can I do better? Should I have used different colours?’ It doesn’t apologise when it’s raining. It knows that above the rainbows and the storms the sun is still shining. It’s just the sky. It’s the best at being the sky. You’re the best at being you and you can’t make a ‘mistake’.

We live in a state of mind and a society of approval addiction. We have a desire to be liked. We want to be recognised. We want what we are doing to be noticed. We want other people to like what we’re doing because we have this intrinsic need to be accepted. We look outside of ourselves for someone else to tell us that we’re doing the right thing, that what we are doing is good and worthwhile. This can be really debilitating. No, it is debilitating. There’s no ‘can be’ about it. We have been programmed as adults to search for other peoples approval and then mistake it for our own. If you can accept yourself totally as an individual then there is no need for outside approval. Just approve of yourself. If you spent as much time working on that as you do chasing other people’s approval, the shift you feel inside of yourself would astound you.

We are all born absolutely complete with one note to sing.  You just have to discover it and put it into practice. It doesn’t matter what other people think  as long as you are living your own joy and bliss. Is it making you happy? Does it feel right in your being? Surely that’s all that matters? If what you have created is a perfect reflection of your talents and ideas and how you perceive the world around you, what does it matter to anybody outside of you? People who resonate with you will get it. People who resonate differently won’t get it at all. It doesn’t matter. Don’t stop to think about what other people think about you. It’s a learnt behaviour and it can absolutely be unlearnt.

Shine. Don’t be like anybody else. Infact, be unlike everyone else.

Be as good at being you as you can. X

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Musichttp://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

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Day #271 – I am a disappointment…

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… I am also kind.

I think I’m struggling to keep my head above the water but I can’t tell because I’m kicking so hard I have no idea what’s going on around me. Maybe I’m drowning. Maybe I’m a human dolphin. I’ve been told I’m a disappointment until sometimes I can’t move. I’ve been told that other people share this sentiment. I’ve been told that I’m not hated… But other people ‘disapprove’ of me. People I really cared about. People I thought were awesome. You tell anybody this for long enough, you’ll break them. They won’t be able to hear the other people around them saying nice things. The strangers thanking them. Day in, day out I’ve been asked to recount and explain myself.  Sometimes I’m good enough, most of the time I’m not. I’ll never be forgiven for this thing that wasn’t that thing at all. Sometimes it’s easier to blame somebody else than look at an entire picture. 

But I’ve had it. It’s too much. Perhaps I am a disappointment to some people. That’s ok. Nobody knows the truth. I do. I know the entire truth. Nobody’s really bothered to ask. We should all be taught when we are young that we are going to go through life disappointing people one after the other. Instead we are taught “Don’t disappoint!”, “Disappointing people is bad!” As a result we live our entire lives trying to please other people and worrying about what everyone else thinks of us. Even if you were as perfect as they come, you’d still disappoint someone somewhere. It’s the trouble with humans. As long as you’re not disappointing yourself, that’s all that matters. And if you do screw up and do a tiny thing on your massive journey that makes you disappointed in yourself. Say sorry. Be sorry. Show that you’re sorry. Do everything that you can to remedy that situation and support the people that you may have hurt (and yourself). Don’t do it again. Learn from it. But most importantly, forgive yourself and keep walking. Don’t kill yourself over it. What the hell is the point beating yourself up over things you can’t change or undo? Some people will never understand you or want to for that matter. Do you realise how short life is? We could all be dead tomorrow. That’s the reality. Grab life and screw what everyone else thinks.

I’m learning that no matter what other people think of you, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If the people around you don’t make you feel good – don’t be around them anymore. Why are you inviting someone into your life, out of choice, that doesn’t make you feel good? Nobody’s friendship is that special or worth it if they don’t bring out the best in you and love you as you are. Nobody’s. Sometimes that hurts. Actually it really hurts. Loving someone and wanting to be a positive influence in their life and being met with hostility and rejection hurts. But so do unsupportive friendships. Friends are kind beings and friendship is a two way street. Don’t forget that. We are all worthy of being surrounded by kindness.

I’ve been trying to work out how I can use my current situation to help other people in relation to the whole cosmic ordering business. Chasing your dreams. Living your dreams. Being yourself. And I guess it’s just this, which I’ve said a few times before. Life is never going to be smooth. Stop waiting for things to calm down to start your project or your business or your class. Whatever it is that you want to do or wherever it is you want to go. Stop waiting. The perfect time doesn’t exist and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be much harder than you can even imagine no matter how ‘perfect’ you have timed and planned things. Something unexpected will always happen. When the going gets rough, you can’t give up. As much as you want to. Stay focused and know that all the things that are problems now will be distant memories one day. If you give up, nothing’s going to change. You have to start and you have to carry on, amidst everything. It blows, but the alternative blows more.

Hi. I’m a human. I make mistakes. Other people do too. Nice to meet you. X

Find me on these! Music is judged on followers, hits and likes nowadays so come help the cause! 

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

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Bandcamp – http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

Day #262 – It is what it is what it is.

 

The last 3 months I have been in proper turmoil with myself. My mind has been a chaotic, confused, helpless space. I’ve been waging this weird war inside my head. Struggling, beating myself up, questioning, begging… trying to fix things. Find things. Find an answer to all of this.

But then one day, I just decided from somewhere that it was enough now. I have to accept things as they are. Which you know… got me thinking.

When somebody tells you to ‘accept things’ we automatically associate that with settling. With not striving. With making do. With not trying to make things better. I’ve learnt that actually, it’s not that at all. Accepting is not the same as resigning yourself to the situation that you are so desperately trying to escape or better.

There’s absolutely no point in struggling against the things that you cannot change. Or the people you cannot change. Wishing that things were different. What could have been. What might be. If you just do this. Just do that… Stop! Accept things literally as they are. Right now. Even if you don’t like it. It’s the absolute and fundamental first step. This is your present moment.

No amount of wishing your situation away or rejecting it is going to make it go away. Rather than getting angry about it, blaming other people for it or shouting about how downright unfair life is, just accept that this is where you are right now. This is what is at your table. Have a good look at it. Get to know it. How does it make you feel? By looking at it square on, you know exactly what you’re playing with. If you don’t like it, it’s absolutely possible to change it, but you must accept it first. It’s imperative. Also the more you struggle and work against what you’re being dealt, the more energy you’re giving it. Have we learnt what that does yet? Makes it bigger. Stop feeding it.

We all have real life covering us. With real life comes responsibilities and restrictions at different times. One minute you’re flying high and the next you’re getting punched in the guts. Welcome to life! I know that I’m guilty of wishing some of my responsibilities away at different times. I’ve had this constant battle inside of late to push things forward quickly. This constant worry that if I don’t act immediately everything will pass me by and I’ll only be left with ‘real life’. The thought terrifies me. This music thing HAS to happen for me. I literally don’t even know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. But with that thought, comes a constant state of striving and looking to the future. Waiting. When’s it going to happen? Have I screwed it up? What if that was my best and only option? What I’ve started to do instead is just accept that this right here is where I am. It’s neither good or bad. It’s just my place. It’s very different to the place I was in 6 months ago and I’m sure in 6 months from now, I’ll say the same. I’ve decided to stop struggling. Here is where I am, and actually, looking around… It’s pretty sweet. I am so fortunate.

Trust that everything is unfolding just as it should. Every single situation that you find yourself in is preparing you for your desired goal. Your divine purpose. I remember when I first started and I thought I’d never get anyone to read my blog, I had no idea how I was going to even record a song. The band that I’m in were played on BBC Radio 6 music last night. Could I have foreseen that? Expected it? Absolutely not. If you look back 6 months at your own life, you’ll see that too. Stop trying to swim upstream and flap around. You’ll drown. Come this way. Float down the river.

Accepting things doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing. By no means. Nothing happens if you don’t work hard for it. Accepting things is a state of mind. Observe and accept that where you are and what you are doing right at this moment has it’s own role in your grand scheme. As you begin to accept your current self you can also plan for a brighter future. You’ll be able to see much more clearly where and what you you need to stop fighting with.

Sometimes the things that we have to accept aren’t things that we have inflicted on ourselves. They are nobody’s fault and out of everybody’s control. But as soon as we accept and own our situation, a certain power fills your bones. You’re back in control and you can look at things in a more manageable way. This is what you’ve got. What are you going to do with it? How are you going to deal with it?

Nobody said it was easy x

Find me on these!

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich or http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Bandcamp – http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

 

Day #220 – My pocket of dreams.

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A few weeks ago I got my first hater. I have a hater! She made me sad. Now I love her and it makes me smile. One in 7,000 isn’t too bad an odd really. At the time I didn’t though. At the time I got this email telling me what a douche I was and I felt like being sick. Nobody likes the idea of another person thinking bad of them, especially when your intentions are good. It did make me stop and think though. Perhaps I do need to be clearer in what my intentions are. What my motivation is. I always assume that people have been reading this from Day #1. If you’ve just joined us – welcome!

I do have three beautiful daughters.They like to eat cheerios for breakfast. I’ve never talked about them on here, well because, it’s not relevant is it? This isn’t a parenting blog and I don’t want to pigeonhole myself by only directing my intentions towards one group of people. I want as many people to relate as possible. They are the three most intense and important human beings I’ve ever come across. They are an absolute full time job. From the minute I have my eyes rudely opened each morning until I go to bed I am doing that. There is no escaping it and to assume that ‘this’, my blog, my singing could even possibly take precedence over them is just crazy. Even if i wanted that to be the truth – it’s an impossibility. If you have small people yourself, you’ll know it. I wonder if I’d be so critically judged if I was doing more hours outside of the home in a ‘real’ job? If I worked in a supermarket and put them in full time child care? If I was being more socially acceptable.

I am the most private person who ordinarily despises using social media. I’m not interested in it at all. Instagram is nice. I like pictures. But otherwise, I’ve never really been into show casing my private life. It’s private and more fun to live it than report it. Unfortunately, it’s the world we live in now. It’s a marketing tool that is too important to reject. Whilst I might not like it, I don’t think I’m above it and I’m smart enough to know that its power is great. It’s got nothing to do with me loving myself. Or wanting people to look at me. I’d rather they didn’t. If I could do this faceless and from a dark room somewhere then I’d much prefer it. I’d probably be doing a lot more, a lot faster. The lack of confidence is holding me back somewhat. It takes all of my energy and determination to put my face on things. But it’s part of the parcel.

It has taken me the best part of 30 years to get to a point where I felt brave enough to face my fears and say out loud ‘I want to be a singer’. The whole point of the blog was and is to inspire other people. Other people who are in a similar situation to me who think they missed their dream boat. I wanted to be a working example that it’s not too late. Ever. There are always options and routes. I wanted to lay myself completely bare and be brutally honest. Yes that puts me in the firing line. There would be no point doing this if I sugar coated it. What help to other people would that be? Hey guys look how easy and great this is! No. This is life. This is how it’s going down. Yours is too. I’m just admitting it. We all feel the same. Have the same fears and issues. My thinking was that if I talk about it, people can see that, yes, dream chasing is scary and hard. But it’s also possible and fun. Look, she’s been knocked down again and gets up. I can do that too. That was my motivation. It still is. That’s why I write about the issues and personal development stuff. I’m relaying what is helping me move forward and grow, in the hope it helps someone else too. Why? Because I want as many people to be as happy as possible, living their bliss. I’m tired of seeing people dragging their sorry feet behind them. That is all.

Over the last 6 months, everything that I have worked on has been ON TOP of everything else. I write and work in the evenings when and if my children sleep. I am currently running on 4 hours sleep a night. I crammed working for studio time in around everybody else. I’ve always made myself be last in line. I write stuff on my phone as I’m walking to the park with my toddler. I practice whilst I’m doing the laundry or scrubbing crayon off the wall. Concentrate on my children? My dear, I do nothing but. They are smothered in love and skittles. If they were suffering, I would stop.

My goals and targets are still the same. Here is my original post on the topic in case you missed it http://wp.me/pRHlH-2T I want to record music. I want to be better. I want to be great. I want to make money doing that. I want to make decent money doing it so that I can share it around. I want to help other people. I want to support and work with organisations both small and big that are helping the wider community. I want to inspire my children how to live life. The only thing that has changed is that I am more realistic now than I was at the beginning. I have a lot of work to do and that’s the only way to go forward. Practice and hard work.

Life is fun. Play with it. Don’t waste your time. We don’t get that long. X

Come check out these bad boys …

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

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Day #218 – My light went out.

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Wow. So much for lighting up the entire sky. I burnt out about 4 days after and spent the last 2 weeks watering the sky rather than lighting it up. I think that’s a good thing though. I never cry. I bottle everything up and act like a hero. I haven’t this time and I’ve come out the other side a lot more humble and I feel a vulnerability I didn’t have before. I think I might keep her. If the ugly, heavy, creature lying across my chest could just get off now, then we’ll be in business. I’m working on that. Negotiations are taking longer than anticipated.

So much has happened in my personal life the last 6 weeks. A lot of things have been said. A lot of things have been done. Things I’m not proud of and things I’m sure other people aren’t proud of either. But I decided that I’m not going to talk about that. This blog isn’t a gossip column. I will say that there are always two sides to every story though and unless you’re a modern day saint, don’t be so quick to judge. Each persons actions are a reaction to their situation. You can’t possibly know as an outsider what a person has been through in their life and how that has affected them. How that implicates their actions. Keep that in mind. I am. It makes everyone suddenly seem beautiful and lovable.

Life really hurts sometimes. You can’t escape that. But I think as humans we try to. We do everything that we can to avoid pain. Avoid any kind of heartache. It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant. It’s only natural that we would want to avoid it. Nobody tells us to lean towards the pain and discomfort. We’re told to take a pill, distract ourselves, get help. Avoid and fix! Avoid and fix! What happens if we stop avoiding it? If we stop and turn around and look it right in the eyes? Sit with it. See it clearly rather than protecting ourselves. Well, it’s not pretty. But it’s good. What started off as a problem, suddenly becomes a source of wisdom.

The ground has been taken beneath my feet and I have nothing to grab hold of. It hurts. I have been beside myself. I have been this sad twice in my life. The first time was when my first love at 18 years old called me up and told me over the phone that he didn’t love me anymore. How cute first love is. I don’t love him anymore either. The second time was when I was 6 months pregnant and my step father dropped down dead over dinner. I didn’t think I would care that me and Tommy broke up. It was such a logical and practical thing to do. It made sense. We talked about it for a long time. We tried for a long time. We decided that this was for the best. Nobody was mortified. It had to be the right thing. Nobody was crying or shouting no. In my mind that indicated a massive lack of desire and romantic motivation. It was cool and dead. And it had been for longer than either of us wanted to admit.

Despite that, when our break up turned sour, as they all do eventually, no matter how beautiful the sentiment, I completely lost it. Ive cried until I’m sick. Ive had panic attacks. I’ve collapsed. I’ve drank and drank and drank. Ive cried some more. I’ve beaten myself up. Blamed myself. Had second thoughts. Doubted myself. Everything I have been working for felt pointless. I haven’t sang a word. I couldn’t write. I puked some more. Cried some more. Fell to the floor even more. I’ve spent years building this massive defence system to protect myself from things like this and it’s impenetrable. I keep everything and everyone at arms length as a fail safe protection strategy. Or so I thought.

I have learnt so much. I am so glad that my heart is broken. I am so glad that I have been broken. I’m still crying. I need to do some rebuilding. But positive, gentle and tender rebuilding. Fort Knox isn’t coming back. Maybe a nice circle of mature trees can take its place. I feel like one of those wild horses that has been vaguely tamed. I say vaguely, because my spirit is wild by nature and I neither can or have the inclination to change that. I have learnt the importance of pain and embracing it. It has triggered all sorts of unresolved issues in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have learnt the importance of pausing rather than immediately finding something or someone to fill the empty space in you. I’ve been made more than aware how my actions can cause harm and pain to other people. That there is something in all of us that we are trying to hide from and avoid and by acting quickly we manage to avoid it. I’ve come out the other side gentle. I never thought it possible. I feel gentle. That’s incredible in itself. I mean, it blows… But growing doesn’t. Learning doesn’t. Sometimes you need to have a pit stop, cry it out, mourn what you’ve lost. Do a little grieving. You can’t always charge full steam ahead regardless. I just learnt that. After 30 years. Apparently we’re all human…

It is definitely a balance though. You can’t stay in your pit too long else you’ll never get out and you’ll become depressed. This isn’t about wallowing or self pity. This is about allowing yourself to feel pain and knowing that it’s ok. That it’s part of life. Pleasure can’t exist without it. Cry until you’re sick but make sure you get up again. Refocus and keep moving towards what is important to you. Know what is important to you in the first place. Even if it feels harder than it ever felt. Even if you’ve lost the will. You have to try. You’ll be the only one to lose out if you don’t. Cry and then get up.

I’ve come to New York City. I’m here to be inspired. I’m going to cover myself in music and life. In buildings. In America. I’m going to write every day. I’m going to explore every day. Read every day. I’m going to try and sing a song. The air smells like waffles and I’ve already been to the Apollo theatre to watch some of the best musicians in the world. That has to be a good starting point.

Thank you to everyone for the kind messages and support you have all given and offered. It means so much and has stopped me from giving up. For reals.

Come follow me on my other social networks for music and pictures! There is going to be a lot of New York….

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Day #165 – Music milkshakes.

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First and foremost this blog is a personal account. It’s an account of me chasing my dream. It’s here to inspire you to have the courage to chase yours. By sharing my own experiences and finding ways to overcome popular and common obstacles, I hope that it encourages other people to do the same. The art of ‘Cosmic Ordering’ teaches that anything is possible. You can achieve all that you desire, with the right attitude and work ethic.

I’ve been posting a lot more personal development stuff than I anticipated to. It has been a massive part of my journey so far, so it’s been important to do that. It wouldn’t be a very honest account if I just said it was easy and starting banging out loads of recordings. It hasn’t been easy at all! Ive had to work through a lot. And I’m still going. A lot of times I’ve wanted to give up. This time though I’m going to carry on and see what happens. It’s both exciting and terrifying. I have no idea where I’m going right now.

Today though! Today! We have music.

My regular readers will already know, but for any passers by, I’ve been working at a recording studio in return for studio time. I’ve been cleaning, organising, setting up the studio, co hosting radio shows and doing a lot of promo work for Jason’s record labels debut release. Which is amazing. I have learnt so much already and feel more than lucky to have had such an opportunity.

I finally worked enough hours to get a few in the studio and we recorded our 2nd song last Friday. I’d had a version of this song in my head for a few months so I was both excited and nervous to see if I could express how and what I wanted it to sound like. Erm… I need to work on the way I describe things for sure.

The song was ‘Milkshake’ by Kelis. I wanted the chorus to be more melodic so I’d worked out a little tune in my head and I wanted it to have a really big bass sound. I was thinking along the lines of Dead Prez’s track ‘Hip Hop’. That’s pretty much all I came to the table with.

Luckily for me, Jason is incredible at making music. We started with the drums which Jason played and recorded live. I love the sound of live drums. As we were recording that, I sang alongside to guide him. These vocals weren’t supposed to be the vocal recording at all so I made very little effort. I changed key a few times mid song. It didn’t matter. It was just a guide. Jason played and recorded all the instruments live which included a Darkstar analogue synth doing bass and a Korg Polysix analogue synth doing the other sounds. He used a late 1940s RCA ribbon mic on the drums. And like on Happy, the only preamp we used was an early 50s Ampex one. The smiley happy looking one.

We sampled the lime in my beer fizzing which is the crackly sound you hear at the beginning of the track. After we layered that all together, Jason suggested we keep the pitch shifted vocal for the track. Come again?

GAH! I agreed. I absolutely and totally respect his opinion. I trust it too. We doubled up some of the vocal with me singing in the same way, but for the most part, we kept the rough, weird, partially pitch shifted vocal. I have had such a love hate relationship with this track all week. I was happy. I was sad. I lost all faith in my ability to sing. I loved it again. I still can’t really hear it properly.

I think deep down I was scared to share it incase people judged me. Incase people thought it was terrible. They might do that. I decided though that it’s so important to share both the things I’m really happy with and the ones I’m more uncertain of. If this is a journey, I can’t just show the great parts. I can’t only take pictures when we’re in a beautiful valley. I have to share the bad lands. I have to share the parts where I am exploring different sounds, different styles, different techniques. And it’s fun to explore. That is what this blog is about. That is real life. Nobody’s born smooth and brilliant. They all explored. It’s easy to forget.

So here is a sound. A song that I had in my head. That I tried to explain. Jason tried to translate that and add his own ideas and flair onto that too. It made our             sofa vibrate and our faces laugh.

Meet Milkshake. The Mr. Jason Edit.

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Much obliged as always! X

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day #162 – Negative thoughts are a bugger.

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We each have an inner voice. It can be constructive and support us. Or it can be destructive and make us feel terrible. When we are feeling motivated and upbeat, our inner voice is usually on our side. Telling us that we can do anything. We feel great about ourselves and everything that we are doing.

But what happens when our inner voice turns sour? You’re on your journey. You’ve been working like a crazy person. You’ve been so positive. Out of nowhere, or somewhere, you’ve suddenly had it. You no longer believe in yourself. You must just be really awful at everything you do. Why would anybody ever believe in you? You cant do it. What a disappointment you are.

Our inner work is never done. If you neglect it, a crash of some description is inevitable. I’ve been feeling pretty rubbish about myself. This is not a feeling you want when you are exploring the law of attraction. By thinking negative things about myself over and over, I’m creating more of it. I feel worthless, undeserving, talentless. My inner voice is saying very unkind things and I’m just sitting back and letting it. I don’t know why. I guess I still believe it on some level.

I got my recording equipment and I was so excited about it. I tried to record something and I couldn’t. I failed. The song I picked had weird timing and backing vocals and I couldn’t get my head around it. When I did, I played the recording back to myself and just thought it sounded awful. I didn’t/don’t know how to adjust the levels. I started reading about EQ and compressing… I felt overwhelmed. I still do. All I want to do is sing. And I want to do it really well. My only redeeming thought was that I was going to the studio. I’d have something recorded to upload. I’m overly conscious that I need to upload way more music. More regularly and now. I need to do that now. Nothing is going to happen for me musically without music! We recorded something and I didn’t like the way I sang. All of these things are now supporting my negative inner voice. You’re useless. Give up. Stop wasting your time you idiot.

This is what happens though! It’s the universe challenging us. Helping us develop and grow even more. You thought you’d worked through that block? You haven’t! I haven’t! I still don’t think I’m worth it. Go back and do more work. Love yourself love yourself love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, you are more likely to believe the negative thoughts and beliefs your inner voice creates. No other living thing on this planet ‘feels bad’ about itself. Let’s not either. Let’s be leaves. Or walruses.

We need to learn and master how to control our inner voice. That voice is just our thoughts and we create them. We decide whether to believe them. We can therefore decide to ignore the detrimental ones and create new positive ones. Look at where the thought is coming from. Look at what will happen if you believe it. Is it for your greater good? Do you like where this thought leads you? If the answer is no, then we must choose not to give it any attention. When the thought you are trying to rid yourself of comes into your mind, replace it. Think something positive. If you’re busy listing what you perceive to be your bad qualities, start listing your great ones! If you cant manage it just tell your negative limiting beliefs “I let you go – I approve of myself.’ Let them all go. Visualise them floating away.

You are as worthy and incredible as the stars in the sky. You are unique. And irreplaceable. That’s a true fact for all of us.

It’s funny isn’t it? We spend a lot of our lives looking for love. For the one. For somebody who will love us unconditionally. Yet most of us don’t think to look inside and love ourselves unconditionally first.

I love writing this blog. It helps me work through so many things. I already feel better and brighter. I research and discover such great personal development theories. Sharing it makes me happy because I know so many other people who struggle with the same obstacles and issues over and over again. If me being honest even helps one of them that’s enough.

Right! Let’s go approve of ourselves and remember we’re worth everything. X

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Day #153 – Teething Problems.

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After my last post Day #147 – Master your time I thought I had this whole thing covered. I did. I had a plan. I wrote it down. What my plan didn’t take into consideration was that I’m not on my own. Maybe you’re not either. My plans can be numb chucked and karate kicked in the face by 4 significant others. One significant other is trying their personal best to make me stop this. Guess they’ve never heard that saying ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… ‘

I’m not going to stop. They can make it as hard as they like.

I finally have my recording equipment so I can record at home. The plan is to upload something new each week. My friend helped me install everything and showed me briefly what buttons to press. He made it look really simple. With hindsight, it’s his job. Today I came to recording my song. Oh my God. Honestly, I’m just hideous. I don’t know whether to puke or cry. It took an entire morning to stop the vocals sounding like Cher singing ‘Do you believe in life after love?’ Should I mention the first 20 minutes when I couldn’t get the mic to pick up any sound? I eventually pressed the power button. None of this comes naturally to me yet. I realised that I should have picked something much easier to record for my first go. Now I’m faffing around trying to put in backing vocals. Then the children came home. They make a lot of noise so it was game over for today. I also need to delete everything I recorded and start again. You’re telling me.

Sooooo as you can see, I’m encountering some teething problems.  I encounter teething problems with every single thing I set out to do. I guess that’s normal. I have learnt by now that the greatest things in life take the most effort. The awesome thing having encountered so many, mainly technical, issues is that having ploughed through them, I know I’ll find a way through this too. Google helps with that. As do some amazing friends. The things that I thought were impossible are now actually really easy. I know this will be the same.

On top of that thinking though, I need to change the way I approach new and technical situations. If I’m saying ‘I can’t, I’m not going to be able to, I’m not good at that’ before I’ve even tried, then the Law Of Attraction is just going to prove me right. And it does. Every single time. Think positive. Think yes.

Garageband. You’re mine.  X

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Day #132 – Keep walking.

Keep moving forwards. Daily.

Keep moving forwards. Daily.

You can’t always plan your route because sometimes there isn’t one. If it were as easy as following a route, doing A, B and C then I’m sure many more of  us would be living our happily ever afters. Sorry folks. Life’s tougher than that. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible though.

Sometimes that can be challenging. Working really hard for something you have no idea how or when will come about. It’s like your working blind in a way. You can’t see that all the small steps you are taking are bringing you closer to your dream. The masses of effort you’re putting in ARE paying off. You become so consumed with where you want to be, you forget to look out the window. The journey is part of it. Most of it.

Remember why you started this in the first place. Remember how you felt when you took the first step towards reaching your goals. Keep that in your mind. Look back at how far you have come already! You’re facing in the right direction now. We just need to keep walking.

A change may be just around the corner. We can’t see it. As humans we like to be in control. We like to know everything. We struggle when we can’t see why and how something works or can happen. It’s times like this that people give up. Quit. Fail. They can’t see how so they don’t believe it can happen.

When you’re feeling like this it’s really important to remember there is usually more than one route to a destination and yours will be different to the person next to you. Pick 10 people doing your dream job and they will all have different experiences on how they got to where they are now. That should give you hope. Your route is as worthy. It’s your route! Lined with all the lessons and wisdom you need for when you get there. Sometimes we get lost and have to take another route. Sometimes that involves us going sideways for a bit to connect with another route forwards.

It could happen this way. It could happen that way. It could happen fast or slow. Just be open to the opportunities and changes that are put in your path. That’s all you can do. Keep growing and learning. Look for opportunities and work hard every single day.

When you arrive at your destination, you’ll look back and be so grateful for everything that you went through and learnt along the way. You’ll tell everyone it’s what made you. Right now, that’s tough to believe. But it’s true. The good things in life aren’t free…

Be assertive and pro active. Go create your life. X

 

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Thanks for the ongoing support and love. You’re amazing X