Tag Archives: self help

Day #342 – Look after yourself.

Gemma Correll Look After Yourself

We are all so busy. All running around like mad people. All trying to get somewhere to be someone. Constantly striving for the future at such a speed that we seemingly miss this moment we call now. Now’s never enough, we always want the next bit and then we get the next bit and we want the bit after… Bloody human beings. Amid this madness most of us have forgotten the importance of looking after ourselves. It’s right at the bottom of our to do list. Rest? No! If I sit down or, God forbid lie down, all progress will come to a halt. I need to be at this 24/7! Must. Keep. Going.

Having been generally unwell for at least the last two months, I decided to maybe look into this. No. Not maybe. I’m going to. I’m going to start looking after myself. I’ve been getting through my days loaded with coffee and painkillers and antibiotics. That in itself is quite hilarious as I used to be such an advocate of homeopathy and alternative health. What’s changed? I’ve stopped caring about my health. There was even a time back in the day I washed my hair with eggs and vinegar because I was so anti any chemicals entering my body. That, by the way, is a stupid idea. Eggs and vinegar neither smell fresh or clean your head. I don’t care what anybody says. So yeah, look after yourself, but let’s not turn into Swampy.

Sometimes the only thing that is going to make you strong and healthy so you can be your awesome productive self is just slowing down and nurturing yourself for a while. Sleeping good. Eating good. Removing all of the things that are stressing you out. Everything on that to do list can wait. You’ll have a to do list for the rest of your life. You’ll never get to the bottom of it. Ever. Don’t die trying. Break free from the ropes and chains that you’ve wound yourself up in. We live in an age where we are far too contactable. Our phones are constantly pinging with messages, whattsaps, facebook, twitter, emails, phone calls, more emails, more messages. More reminders. It’s insane. “Can you do this for me right now? Can you be here? Be there. Do this. Immediately.” This is all on top of regular work. Family commitments. Socialising. Our day to day life. We don’t stop to think that maybe we should slow down. We’ve got to do everything NOW else we’ll miss the boat.

Well, I beg to differ. Boats come and go. All the time. The sea is mostly full of boats. I’m tired and my body hurts. Mostly all over. My shoulder is cracked. My tonsils are probably the most angry they’ve been in a long time. My glands are refusing to back down. My knee is crying. I don’t really recall the last day I didn’t have a headache. All of that is fine. I mean really, it could be a thousand times worse and I’m grateful I’m just a little bit run down (wow is the British ‘Mustn’t Grumble’ attitude genetic?!) but what I’ve learnt is that you can’t actually be productive when you’re broken. There’s no point to it. Exhaustion is there to tell you to rest. But we don’t. We all just charge on. Ignore what our bodies are telling us. We refuse to stop. But nothing seems to flow because there is no energy left. You can’t be creative without energy. Coffee can only carry you so far.

You want to hear the truth? We are all fuelling a ridiculous machine of self importance and productivity. I don’t want to hear that so I’m sure you don’t either.  The world isn’t going to end if you don’t reply to your emails within 5 minutes. And if it does, what a world to live in! Your Mum can probably decide what pasta to buy without your instantaneous response to her picture message and you genuinely don’t need 5 different platforms for people to contact you on. You know what will end your world though? Not looking after yourself. Hearts pop you know. That’s a real thing.

Sometimes we need to retreat. That doesn’t mean quit. Or fail. Or digress. It means relax and welcome the spontaneous creative force of life to come and find you again. It’s only from this state of being that things can and will run smoothly. Do something every single day that nurtures you. And turn off your phone.

We are mere mortals. Let’s not forget.  X

If you love social media and crunchy music you’ll love these…

Musichttp://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Twitterhttp://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagramhttp://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Day #338 – Just like this.

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There is not one single other human being on this planet that is like you. You’re an intricate, complicated, beautiful individual and you’re the best at it. You’re not just someones sister or brother. You’re not just a parent. Or a banker or a doctor or a teacher. Or any of the jobs. Those can be used as ways to describe the things you do or your position in a family or your own community. But that’s not YOU. We all have our own thing. We all come with our own sense of magic and strength. You’re not a patchwork of other peoples ideas and opinions. Think back to when you were a kid. Before you started to care what other people thought. Before people told you who you were. You were fantastic at being yourself. You didn’t cover up your differences. You will always be the best at being you. Why would you want to be something or someone else? Your beauty is infinite.

If we look around the natural world we observe and appreciate this very fact. We don’t look at a blade of grass and think why isn’t it a flower? Why can’t it be a tree? We accept it as it is. It’s perfect. It’s a blade of grass. It’s doing what it’s been made to do. Well, we’re exactly the same but sadly social conditioning has made us think otherwise. I am a huge fan of Alan Watts. He said this. I think we should take note.

‘Regard yourself as a cloud… in the flesh. Clouds never make mistakes. Did you ever see a cloud that was misshapen?  Did you ever see a badly designed wave? No! They always do the right thing. If you treat yourself for a while as a cloud, or wave, and realise that you can’t make a mistake whatever you do because even if you do something that seems to be totally disastrous is will all come out in the wash somehow or other. Then through this capacity you will develop a kind of confidence and through confidence you will be able to trust your own intuition.

It has nothing to do with your decision or not… You are like cloud and water.’ – Alan Watts

We need to develop an inner state of mind that is like the sky. The sky just is. It doesn’t congratulate itself for making a rainbow. It doesn’t ask for approval. It doesn’t ask the sun ‘Is this rainbow ok? Can I do better? Should I have used different colours?’ It doesn’t apologise when it’s raining. It knows that above the rainbows and the storms the sun is still shining. It’s just the sky. It’s the best at being the sky. You’re the best at being you and you can’t make a ‘mistake’.

We live in a state of mind and a society of approval addiction. We have a desire to be liked. We want to be recognised. We want what we are doing to be noticed. We want other people to like what we’re doing because we have this intrinsic need to be accepted. We look outside of ourselves for someone else to tell us that we’re doing the right thing, that what we are doing is good and worthwhile. This can be really debilitating. No, it is debilitating. There’s no ‘can be’ about it. We have been programmed as adults to search for other peoples approval and then mistake it for our own. If you can accept yourself totally as an individual then there is no need for outside approval. Just approve of yourself. If you spent as much time working on that as you do chasing other people’s approval, the shift you feel inside of yourself would astound you.

We are all born absolutely complete with one note to sing.  You just have to discover it and put it into practice. It doesn’t matter what other people think  as long as you are living your own joy and bliss. Is it making you happy? Does it feel right in your being? Surely that’s all that matters? If what you have created is a perfect reflection of your talents and ideas and how you perceive the world around you, what does it matter to anybody outside of you? People who resonate with you will get it. People who resonate differently won’t get it at all. It doesn’t matter. Don’t stop to think about what other people think about you. It’s a learnt behaviour and it can absolutely be unlearnt.

Shine. Don’t be like anybody else. Infact, be unlike everyone else.

Be as good at being you as you can. X

If you love social media and crunchy music you’ll love these…

Musichttp://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Twitterhttp://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Instagramhttp://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Day #295 – Delicious ambiguity.

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I’ve done gone did it again. Twenty three days of silence. Twenty three days. That’s just short of a month. Even though I know how this all works. How you have to keep going when you don’t want to. How shit happens and you have to get right back up and keep walking. How when you feel like quitting and giving everything up you have to focus even harder. I know all of that. As do you. Didn’t stop me though. I’ve been busy thought gathering.

I’m here now. For the moment. This little heart of mine is relentless. Sometimes I  wish it craved stability and normality.

I’ve been pretty stressed about everything. Think I’ve mentioned that far too many times. I’m bored of it too. I haven’t wanted to write anything. Nothing inspiring at least. Nothing I’ve wanted to share. I’m so tired of people having an opinion on what and how I’m doing things in the real world, writing has just felt like giving them more ammunition to silently fire my way. I’ve been feeling somewhat naive and stupid. Perhaps even displaced. But I guess me being quiet would make me the loser in the long run.

I’ve been stressed because things haven’t felt like they are ‘going to plan’. Things have certainly been moving and developing but not how I had planned. I had this list of things I ‘should’ be doing. How to get from A to B. How to win. I threw my list away. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to do all the things I’ve been advised I ‘should’ do to succeed. There’s been a shift.

With my new found acceptance of life came something else. Trust.

Life just isn’t something you can plan out. It’s an uncertain, ever evolving, inexplicable old thing. You can work towards things and you can have an idea of how you want everything to pan out, but as for having control on how and when that happens. I’m not sure we have all that much say in it. Spanners happen. Things don’t work out exactly how we imagined. Then what? We run around in circles searching, panicking about what to do instead. Worrying it’s not going to plan. What if we just trusted that everything is unfolding exactly as it should? Everything will be alright in the end. Weezer said so.

A friend of mine was really upset recently. They had put all of their hopes into getting this promotion at work and planned the next few years of their life around it. When it didn’t happen they were really upset. All they could see was that they were stuck on the same pay scale in the same job going nowhere and everybody around them was moving up the ladder. They mustn’t be good enough. At that moment, even though I was trying to point out that something better would come along, that it wasn’t the right position, because their ‘plan’ had failed, they couldn’t see anything else. Nothing better was going to come. There was nothing better.

They’ve just been offered a much better job. With much better prospects. Doing exactly what they wanted to do. They didn’t see it before. But it was there all along, right in front of them. Do they care about the job that didn’t happen anymore? Not so much. This is way better. It’s the same for you. Maybe this isn’t unfolding as and how you had hoped. But it’s certainly unfolding and going SOMEWHERE. Whatsoever you are doing will help you grow and see new things.

It’s easy to do with hindsight. We can look at things and say that everything happened for a reason and without each step, both positive and negative, we wouldn’t be where we are today. If we can do it with hindsight, I’m sure we can do it in the present moment too. Just trust that as you’re doing your very best and working in the right direction, it’ll all work out. It just will. And if you have no idea what direction to go in, trust that something will be put in front of you. You just have to jump with no thought of what might happen next. Even if the idea scares you to death. Keep your eyes open and ears to the ground. If what you want to work out doesn’t happen as and when you want it, something else equally awesome will. You might not end up where you thought you were going but you’ll end up somewhere. You don’t need to make sense of it right now.

Not everything can be controlled. Maybe that’s the point X

Music stuff… 

http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Twitter and all the irrelevant rest… Follow it if it makes you happy.

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

http://www.twitter.com/ropestoremusic

http://www.facebook.com/ropestoremusic

 

 

Day #247 – Balance

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Don’t you just love the first week of January?! Everybody gets so excited at the end of December. Here it comes! Everything is going to change as the clock strikes midnight on the 31st. Life is going to suddenly be awesome! All the things that were giving you grief will magically disappear and you’ll be enlightened. Well here she is, in all her anti climaxing glory.

Happy New Year! Sorry should I have sugar coated her a bit more? Perhaps I can get you a donut.

You see, New Year actually means jack crap. Nothing is going to change of its own accord. You have to change it. You have to decide. You have to decide to stop your negative behaviour. You have to decide to stop letting other people affect you. You have to decide what you want and then put it into action. Yourself. At any given moment.

I feel grateful every single day that I have so many awesome things going on in my life right now and the opportunity to explore the things that I love to do. I’m so lucky. I’m singing a lot. I’m recording a lot. I’m learning how to use recording equipment. I’m co hosting an awesome radio show. I’m writing. I’m researching. I’m finally in a band! I’m doing some PR work on the side of that. I have a bunch of incredible friends who have been like rocks to me of late and three hilarious little girls that are bursting with love and potential.

On the other side of that though I feel like I’m in actual hell. I’m utterly and completely overwhelmed by how much I am doing and have to do. I’m trying to figure out how and when I’m putting carrots on the table. I’m looking after three incredible but demanding children. I’m sitting on this heavy broken heart. I just lost my best friend. But if I don’t do the awesome stuff above, then I’ll slip into this awful hole of a place. I know it well. I can’t stop. It’s not an option at all. So what to do Rose?

Im not one for New Year’s resolutions. I don’t really understand why you should wait until the turn of the calendar year to make changes to your life for a week. But I do understand making changes. And finding solutions to situations that aren’t serving you.

I feel like I need to find some balance. I need to schedule in sleep. I need to sleep. She says, sipping coffee and updating her blog with her eyeballs resting on the keyboard. And I need to nurture myself in a way that isn’t doing work. My free time is half that of a regular person (and also probably a lot more than other regular persons) so I’m always hell bent on cramming everything and anything in. There’s always something I want to learn or do. I can’t sit still. I need to learn how but the thought makes me screw my face up. I need to learn to balance my two entirely polar opposite lives. One minute I’m home giving everything I have to my children and the next I’m standing by myself, working like a crazy person making music and writing. Quite often with a beer in my hand.

Then I read this.

‘Live life in all possible ways; don’t choose one thing against the other, and don’t try to be in the middle. Don’t try to balance yourself – balance is not something that can be cultivated. Balance is something that comes out of experiencing all the dimensions of life. Balance is something that happens; it is not something that can be brought about through your efforts. If you bring it through your efforts it will be false, forced. And you will remain tense, you will not be relaxed, because how can a person who is trying to remain balanced in the middle be relaxed? You will always be afraid that if you relax you may start moving to the left or to the right. You are bound to remain uptight, and to be uptight is to miss the whole opportunity, the whole gift of life.

Don’t be uptight. Don’t live life according to principles. Live life in its totality, drink life in its totality! Yes, sometimes it tastes bitter – so what? That taste of bitterness will make you capable of tasting its sweetness. You will be able to appreciate the sweetness only if you have tasted its bitterness. One who knows not how to cry will not know how to laugh, either. One who cannot enjoy a deep laughter, a belly laugh, that person’s tears will be crocodile tears. They cannot be true, they cannot be authentic.

I don’t teach the middle way, I teach the total way. Then a balance comes of its own accord, and then that balance has tremendous beauty and grace. You have not forced it, it has simply come. By moving gracefully to the left, to the right, in the middle, slowly a balance comes to you because you remain so unidentified. When sadness comes, you know it will pass, and when happiness comes you know that will pass, too. Nothing remains; everything passes by. The only thing that always abides is your witnessing. That witnessing brings balance. That witnessing is balance.’  – The Book Of Understanding, Osho

In life, all opposites are joined together. They exist together. The art is finding the middle. The perfect balance. It’ll come when it’s good and ready.

Life is a crazy thing. Live it totally and true to yourself. The rest will follow.

When I find the next bit of mind blowing inspiration that will see us all out of this blue, full mooning, first week of January, I’ll let you know.

Until then I say hide.

That is all.

X

Want music? Head here..

http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich or here http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

Want pictures? Head here..

http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Want uncertainty and nothing in particular? Here’s the place for you..

http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

 

Day #220 – My pocket of dreams.

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A few weeks ago I got my first hater. I have a hater! She made me sad. Now I love her and it makes me smile. One in 7,000 isn’t too bad an odd really. At the time I didn’t though. At the time I got this email telling me what a douche I was and I felt like being sick. Nobody likes the idea of another person thinking bad of them, especially when your intentions are good. It did make me stop and think though. Perhaps I do need to be clearer in what my intentions are. What my motivation is. I always assume that people have been reading this from Day #1. If you’ve just joined us – welcome!

I do have three beautiful daughters.They like to eat cheerios for breakfast. I’ve never talked about them on here, well because, it’s not relevant is it? This isn’t a parenting blog and I don’t want to pigeonhole myself by only directing my intentions towards one group of people. I want as many people to relate as possible. They are the three most intense and important human beings I’ve ever come across. They are an absolute full time job. From the minute I have my eyes rudely opened each morning until I go to bed I am doing that. There is no escaping it and to assume that ‘this’, my blog, my singing could even possibly take precedence over them is just crazy. Even if i wanted that to be the truth – it’s an impossibility. If you have small people yourself, you’ll know it. I wonder if I’d be so critically judged if I was doing more hours outside of the home in a ‘real’ job? If I worked in a supermarket and put them in full time child care? If I was being more socially acceptable.

I am the most private person who ordinarily despises using social media. I’m not interested in it at all. Instagram is nice. I like pictures. But otherwise, I’ve never really been into show casing my private life. It’s private and more fun to live it than report it. Unfortunately, it’s the world we live in now. It’s a marketing tool that is too important to reject. Whilst I might not like it, I don’t think I’m above it and I’m smart enough to know that its power is great. It’s got nothing to do with me loving myself. Or wanting people to look at me. I’d rather they didn’t. If I could do this faceless and from a dark room somewhere then I’d much prefer it. I’d probably be doing a lot more, a lot faster. The lack of confidence is holding me back somewhat. It takes all of my energy and determination to put my face on things. But it’s part of the parcel.

It has taken me the best part of 30 years to get to a point where I felt brave enough to face my fears and say out loud ‘I want to be a singer’. The whole point of the blog was and is to inspire other people. Other people who are in a similar situation to me who think they missed their dream boat. I wanted to be a working example that it’s not too late. Ever. There are always options and routes. I wanted to lay myself completely bare and be brutally honest. Yes that puts me in the firing line. There would be no point doing this if I sugar coated it. What help to other people would that be? Hey guys look how easy and great this is! No. This is life. This is how it’s going down. Yours is too. I’m just admitting it. We all feel the same. Have the same fears and issues. My thinking was that if I talk about it, people can see that, yes, dream chasing is scary and hard. But it’s also possible and fun. Look, she’s been knocked down again and gets up. I can do that too. That was my motivation. It still is. That’s why I write about the issues and personal development stuff. I’m relaying what is helping me move forward and grow, in the hope it helps someone else too. Why? Because I want as many people to be as happy as possible, living their bliss. I’m tired of seeing people dragging their sorry feet behind them. That is all.

Over the last 6 months, everything that I have worked on has been ON TOP of everything else. I write and work in the evenings when and if my children sleep. I am currently running on 4 hours sleep a night. I crammed working for studio time in around everybody else. I’ve always made myself be last in line. I write stuff on my phone as I’m walking to the park with my toddler. I practice whilst I’m doing the laundry or scrubbing crayon off the wall. Concentrate on my children? My dear, I do nothing but. They are smothered in love and skittles. If they were suffering, I would stop.

My goals and targets are still the same. Here is my original post on the topic in case you missed it http://wp.me/pRHlH-2T I want to record music. I want to be better. I want to be great. I want to make money doing that. I want to make decent money doing it so that I can share it around. I want to help other people. I want to support and work with organisations both small and big that are helping the wider community. I want to inspire my children how to live life. The only thing that has changed is that I am more realistic now than I was at the beginning. I have a lot of work to do and that’s the only way to go forward. Practice and hard work.

Life is fun. Play with it. Don’t waste your time. We don’t get that long. X

Come check out these bad boys …

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

 

 

 

Day #218 – My light went out.

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Wow. So much for lighting up the entire sky. I burnt out about 4 days after and spent the last 2 weeks watering the sky rather than lighting it up. I think that’s a good thing though. I never cry. I bottle everything up and act like a hero. I haven’t this time and I’ve come out the other side a lot more humble and I feel a vulnerability I didn’t have before. I think I might keep her. If the ugly, heavy, creature lying across my chest could just get off now, then we’ll be in business. I’m working on that. Negotiations are taking longer than anticipated.

So much has happened in my personal life the last 6 weeks. A lot of things have been said. A lot of things have been done. Things I’m not proud of and things I’m sure other people aren’t proud of either. But I decided that I’m not going to talk about that. This blog isn’t a gossip column. I will say that there are always two sides to every story though and unless you’re a modern day saint, don’t be so quick to judge. Each persons actions are a reaction to their situation. You can’t possibly know as an outsider what a person has been through in their life and how that has affected them. How that implicates their actions. Keep that in mind. I am. It makes everyone suddenly seem beautiful and lovable.

Life really hurts sometimes. You can’t escape that. But I think as humans we try to. We do everything that we can to avoid pain. Avoid any kind of heartache. It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant. It’s only natural that we would want to avoid it. Nobody tells us to lean towards the pain and discomfort. We’re told to take a pill, distract ourselves, get help. Avoid and fix! Avoid and fix! What happens if we stop avoiding it? If we stop and turn around and look it right in the eyes? Sit with it. See it clearly rather than protecting ourselves. Well, it’s not pretty. But it’s good. What started off as a problem, suddenly becomes a source of wisdom.

The ground has been taken beneath my feet and I have nothing to grab hold of. It hurts. I have been beside myself. I have been this sad twice in my life. The first time was when my first love at 18 years old called me up and told me over the phone that he didn’t love me anymore. How cute first love is. I don’t love him anymore either. The second time was when I was 6 months pregnant and my step father dropped down dead over dinner. I didn’t think I would care that me and Tommy broke up. It was such a logical and practical thing to do. It made sense. We talked about it for a long time. We tried for a long time. We decided that this was for the best. Nobody was mortified. It had to be the right thing. Nobody was crying or shouting no. In my mind that indicated a massive lack of desire and romantic motivation. It was cool and dead. And it had been for longer than either of us wanted to admit.

Despite that, when our break up turned sour, as they all do eventually, no matter how beautiful the sentiment, I completely lost it. Ive cried until I’m sick. Ive had panic attacks. I’ve collapsed. I’ve drank and drank and drank. Ive cried some more. I’ve beaten myself up. Blamed myself. Had second thoughts. Doubted myself. Everything I have been working for felt pointless. I haven’t sang a word. I couldn’t write. I puked some more. Cried some more. Fell to the floor even more. I’ve spent years building this massive defence system to protect myself from things like this and it’s impenetrable. I keep everything and everyone at arms length as a fail safe protection strategy. Or so I thought.

I have learnt so much. I am so glad that my heart is broken. I am so glad that I have been broken. I’m still crying. I need to do some rebuilding. But positive, gentle and tender rebuilding. Fort Knox isn’t coming back. Maybe a nice circle of mature trees can take its place. I feel like one of those wild horses that has been vaguely tamed. I say vaguely, because my spirit is wild by nature and I neither can or have the inclination to change that. I have learnt the importance of pain and embracing it. It has triggered all sorts of unresolved issues in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have learnt the importance of pausing rather than immediately finding something or someone to fill the empty space in you. I’ve been made more than aware how my actions can cause harm and pain to other people. That there is something in all of us that we are trying to hide from and avoid and by acting quickly we manage to avoid it. I’ve come out the other side gentle. I never thought it possible. I feel gentle. That’s incredible in itself. I mean, it blows… But growing doesn’t. Learning doesn’t. Sometimes you need to have a pit stop, cry it out, mourn what you’ve lost. Do a little grieving. You can’t always charge full steam ahead regardless. I just learnt that. After 30 years. Apparently we’re all human…

It is definitely a balance though. You can’t stay in your pit too long else you’ll never get out and you’ll become depressed. This isn’t about wallowing or self pity. This is about allowing yourself to feel pain and knowing that it’s ok. That it’s part of life. Pleasure can’t exist without it. Cry until you’re sick but make sure you get up again. Refocus and keep moving towards what is important to you. Know what is important to you in the first place. Even if it feels harder than it ever felt. Even if you’ve lost the will. You have to try. You’ll be the only one to lose out if you don’t. Cry and then get up.

I’ve come to New York City. I’m here to be inspired. I’m going to cover myself in music and life. In buildings. In America. I’m going to write every day. I’m going to explore every day. Read every day. I’m going to try and sing a song. The air smells like waffles and I’ve already been to the Apollo theatre to watch some of the best musicians in the world. That has to be a good starting point.

Thank you to everyone for the kind messages and support you have all given and offered. It means so much and has stopped me from giving up. For reals.

Come follow me on my other social networks for music and pictures! There is going to be a lot of New York….

Instagram – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich

Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

 

Day #200 – Light up the sky.

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Isn’t that beautiful?

Look at a love like that indeed. It’s what I aspire to and how I want to live.

What I have found great comfort in recently is not to expect anything from anyone. You need to be able to provide everything for yourself. All of your basic needs, both emotional and physical. Provide them for yourself. You need to love and cherish yourself first. It gives you such a feeling of self empowerment. I think this is especially important in relationships. It is so easy to suddenly place all of your happiness and needs onto another person and get angry with them when they’re not meeting those expectations. It’s not healthy.

I don’t mean that I don’t expect people to be nice. Or treat you well. But having this expectation that somebody else needs to act a certain way, or do certain things for you, is crazy. I know that I have definitely fallen into that trap on occasion and for that I’m truly sorry. We get caught up. It’s a sure fire way to feel suffocated, trapped and kill each others creativity. In any relationship. Platonic or romantic. You were separate beings when you met and it’s why you liked each other. Why expect them to join your camp? Can’t the camps co exist? Why do we always need to know what, where and how things are going?

Love isn’t a possession or a noun. It’s an action and it’s a verb. Once you shift your thinking this way, you realise that nobody can take that away. It’s impossible. Love is a way of being. Even when somebody walks away from you, you can still hold your action. Nobody can take that away. Get busy being lovING rather than trying to possess and hold onto a love.

Do everything from a place of love! For the love of it. Not because you are going to get something out of it. Not because you think it’ll lead to something else. Not because it’s what you should do. Just for the sheer joy of it. For the sake of it. Watch the shift in opportunities and people in your life. It’s incredible.

I realise that I don’t need anything. From anybody. That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to accept help from people or invite love into my life. But acknowledging the difference between need and want seems to be the thing here. Who doesn’t want love? I just don’t need it from someone else to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be reliant on another person to keep me standing up. That’s been the shift. What I want and what I need are separate. I forgot how much I believe this. If you love, respect and appreciate yourself already, you really don’t need anybody else to. It doesn’t matter. Beauty is everywhere. Look for it. Look up! It’s right in front of you. Take the time to walk down the street only looking for beautiful things and moments. Concentrate on the good. Focus on the positive. Watch the shift. It’s instantaneous. 

Be like the sun. Light up the entire sky.

In other news, I’ve got 165 days left to complete my Cosmic Order. Erm record deal, where are you? I want my experiment to work because experiments that work are FUN! X

Check out these bad boys… Subscribe to my youtube channel!

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Day #196 – Where the magic happens.

wherethemagichappens

I get that some people find change really scary. For some reason, it’s never scared me. I’m terrified to the point of having a panic attack about a few things. But change? Nah. It’s my favourite thing to do. If you can change it, you should. At any given opportunity.

As I’ve grown up I’ve observed the people around me. People thought I was just quiet. I was watching. And learning. And listening. I learnt that most adults are full of regret. I learnt that most adults were living a life they didn’t want to lead. I learnt that most adults couldn’t cope with that. I also learnt by watching people go to hell and back, that humans are a lot stronger than we think. I saw that no matter how bad things get, things always get better eventually. What my own mother may regret her children seeing and going through, I see as a blessing. I learnt how to love and how to live. Even if it was indirectly.

That has formed the way my brain works now. I’m not so scared of risks that I avoid them. With all my heart I don’t want to be one of the people I saw as a child, complaining about how their life turned out. Where it went wrong. What they’d do if they could do it all again. Why wait to do it all again? Why not do it now? Why fit in with what everybody around you expects? Is it their life that’s going to end up unfulfilled? The only person who’ll lose out is you.

Life is an experience. You have to jump in and bathe in all it’s glory.

Routine is great but it also limits your creativity. You become so used to doing the same thing every single day, going to the same place, talking to the same people, getting up at the same time, that your mind goes to sleep. You don’t need to think anymore or concentrate on what you’re doing. Creativity of any kind cannot flourish in that environment. You need to keep moving your mind. Changing it. Challenging it.

It takes a lot of courage to accept the fact that sometimes you are going to feel pain. But by avoiding your fears and the resulting discomfort it creates, you will bumble along in a mediocre life that doesn’t challenge you or grow you in any way shape or form. If you’re happy with that, then that’s amazing! You’ve made it! But if you’re not, you’re going to have to look at scarey stuff. Nobody is forcing you to.

Your life is in your hands. Nobody elses. X

Maybe I’ll start selling ball bags. It can be my first piece of merchandise. Until the ball bags are released though, you can come find me on my other social media networks… I’m getting a small collection of music together.

New song coming on Saturday! You’d better subscribe to my YouTube channel to be the first to hear it!

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Day #194 – Happy to be alive

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for. X

C/o the best friend I could ever ask for who has been my absolute rock X

I am so happy at this moment in time that I could cry.

I feel overwhelmed by people’s kindness and love. Think I’m turning emo. Been writing songs too. Jesus…

The last week has been crazy. It’s been the worst time of my entire life. I can say that with all of my conviction. I didn’t think I could cope. I thought I was going to collapse under the stress. I didn’t know what to do. Where to go… I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. And amongst all of that I had my children. My small beautiful noisy little children. I was a terrible mother. I felt like giving up on everything. I literally had nothing left. I felt trapped by my situation and had no idea how I was going to deal with that.

On top of that what was I going to do now about my music stuff? How the hell am I going to ‘make it’ now?! How am I going to even have the time or the mental capacity to make music and push myself forward?

I think its important to share that its not been easy. Break ups are ugly. The sentiment behind them can be beautiful but the physical slog of it is ugly. It can easily become mean and raw. I have a new level of understanding on why people stay together because they have children. Separating is sore. I decided today that I’m going to only focus on forgiveness.

It’s true what the voices say. It’s got to get really really dark before you see the sunshine again. You can’t imagine a darkness like that. You just can’t.  I met my darkness. I embraced him and he turned me around and showed me the most amount of light I’ve ever seen. This is clearly metaphorical. The only real voice I have in my head at the moment is the one telling me to drink wine. Im doing my best to ignore him.

I feel amazing in myself. I feel light. I feel free. I feel like I can breathe again and I hadn’t even realised that I’d previously stopped. I feel like I have everything and need nothing. Maybe this is bliss. I don’t even care. I’m just going to sit here and bathe in it because it’s been too long. It’s been way too long. How did I forget this?

I love life so much. I always have. I love it for all its ups and downs. I love experiencing its extremities. I love how just when you think you’re at rock bottom, something beautiful happens and you’re rescued. I suppose that is because I see life as a journey full of lessons and nothing more. Life is certainly nothing but magical. I have so much faith that everything is unfolding just as it should.

So here’s to the dark times. Thank you for making me appreciate the great and making me stronger and better. X

Aren’t you following me yet?! Oh come on! Get with the times people! No really, could you please add me to your networks and share the hell out of my posts… X

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Day #160 -Dealing with real life trolls.

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I’ve only been doing this since May and I’ve already learnt so much more than I used to know about people. I thought I’d lost all of my naivety but it would appear I held on to a little. I’m actually happy about that. As it allows me to enter situations with a little more faith in people. But one of the things that has shocked me the most, is some peoples reactions to me when I’m trying to do something positive. What shocked me even more was some of these people are supposed to be my friends.

Internet trolls. I didn’t ever expect to attract any of them. When doing the protest for Gaza in London during the summer, I managed to attract some really angry people online. Obviously it’s a complex topic and was very raw but I wasn’t saying anything that tied me to either side of the conflict. I found myself being attacked by perfect strangers. Educated, young, regular people like myself. Trying to sabotage me and my efforts. It was odd. Even when I tried to explain my honest intentions. They had already decided their goal.

The thing is, trolls aren’t just confined to the likes of social media and the internet. No… Whether we are aware of it or not, there are a whole bunch of them in the real world too. We sometimes call them friends. We sometimes even go so far to call them family. They can be colleagues, strangers, teachers, friends of friends. We think because they’re close to us or they know our history that they must be right. Their opinion matters. They’re not trolls.

They are. A troll is a troll is a troll.

Look at your life right now. Think about all of the people in it. How they make you feel. Do they support you? Think about how they react when you talk about your endeavours. Are they excited for you? Do they ask questions? Are they even interested? Are their reactions positive and supportive? Because a friend or a family member surely would be right? They love you so they are interested in your passions and ambitions. Remind me, why is your best friend ignoring your career change? Why are they running you down?

Trolls don’t always attack directly. Sometimes they make fun of you in public. Sometimes they belittle you. Sometimes they just plain ignore anything and everything about you and what you’re working on. They pretend like they don’t know or care. They are trying to test your boundaries and are trying to make you bite. Don’t. You’re bigger and better.

I think for the most part, these people feel bad about themselves and for whatever reason, you are making them feel worse. They are stuck in their own unfavourable situation and are uncomfortable watching others get out of theirs. They immediately find the negative and point it out. It’s much easier to do that than look inwards. There is fear in them. This creates jealousy and anger.

What should we do about our trolls?!

Forgive them. Let it slide. Think how horrible it must be to have to live like that. To feel like that. Hope that they find some happiness. Remember who your trolls are. Don’t waste your energy even trying to explain what you’re currently up to. Protect yourself and your ideas from them. Whatever you do, don’t rise to them. That’s how they are fed. If you ignore them, they eventually get bored and fade away.

Failing that, both deleting and blocking are great options. In both worlds. X

Come join me on my other networks for updates and snippets of my real world.

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