Tag Archives: self loathing

Day #328 – Doubt.

self-doubt

I remember when I first started this project. How massive my dreams were. Honestly, I was embarrassed to even share them because they sounded so ridiculous. I was inexperienced, had no contacts and no method. I was so worried that I was going to get laughed at, and maybe I did, but I chucked it out there anyway. I knew what I wanted to do, more importantly why my goal had to be so big, and that’s all I thought about. I had no idea how I was going to do it. None at all. But I believed so hard it didn’t matter.

In the beginning I was so fresh and naive that I had a lot of power behind my thinking. I knew nothing about the music industry. I mean, I knew it was one of the hardest things to crack. I knew that I wished I wanted to do something easier. But I also knew I’m not interested in doing something else. When I was fresh and naive and optimistic, my vibration was high, so many music opportunities came into my life. I was so busy learning and doing music related things. Once I started to properly learn about the music industry, I started to think that my goals were not only unrealistic but perhaps crazy. People told me there’s no money in music. That you need to come to a label with followers and experience. You need to look a certain way, be a certain way… You need to be the ready made package. I heard all that. Again and again. And believed it. I’m sure it’s absolutely true. But there is no set path for anything. You have to find your own. I’m not sure collecting fans on youtube and twitter is my route. Maybe I’ll be one of the first on the new wave. Where do we even go from social media world domination and free music streaming?

The last few months have been gross. There’s no hiding it. And it’s had a massive impact on everything. On my progress. On my plans. When you’re feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable, the last thing you want to do is put yourself out there. Whilst there are so many great people, who I am eternally grateful for, who have offered me so much unconditional support and love, there are other people out there, for everybody, that want to see you fail. They want to see you crash. You need to protect yourself from that so I took some time out from the self promotion that comes hand in hand with trying to establish yourself in music. I just haven’t been able to handle it. I don’t like attention. I never have.  I know why. I’m vaguely trying to deal with it. Attention when your life is a buggering hell of a mess? Come back later.

Despite the lack of blog updating though, I’ve been so busy doing a million and one different projects. I started to panic that perhaps I should have a plan B. A back up. At least a financial one whilst I’m trying to forge a music career… So I started writing again. If I couldn’t make music for what ever reason, I guess writing would be my second choice. It felt like a wise decision. One must be sensible and wise. Be practical about how one will put food on the table and what not. I ricochet between trying with all my heart to be this sensible person who thinks things through in a pre meditated and organised manner. Being the robot society would have us believe we should be. And this terrible storm of a woman who hates the idea of being still and manages her life in a carefree, straight talking, whimsical fashion. Follow your bliss, the rest will work out. The latter is the one who pleases me the most. I am her. But when you’re surrounded by life that tells you to constantly live and be the opposite… It is so hard to stay true to your cause. I’m not sure how many times I need to be taught the same lesson. Hopefully I’ve got it now. Gemma. You will never be a good house wife. Wait, that’s not the lesson I meant to type… You don’t have to do what everybody else is doing. Beat your own drum and do it wonderfully.

If I actually believed in myself to the extent I need to, I wouldn’t need a back up. I wouldn’t need a plan B. I fell into the easiest trap. All the energy I’ve been expending on finding and applying for writing jobs, researching, reviewing, listening to and promoting other people’s music. Helping out other people fulfil their dreams and needs. I could have been recording my own demos. Or writing some new songs. Promoting myself. Why aren’t I writing to producers and asking to work with them instead of magazines?

Doubt.

Amid all the shit that got flown around, I started to doubt myself. It was so gradual I didn’t really even notice. First of all I started to dislike myself. Then I started to question myself. I started to believe that what I was being told about myself was true. It is not. I started caring what people thought again. I started worrying and caring about all the things I took months to unlearn. At the same time, I was justifying my doubt. I was putting all my energy into these other great things because it’s for the long haul. It shows I’m committed. It doesn’t. It shows I need a back up because I doubt that I can do this. Wrong vibrations Gemma… But guess what? Never been busier writing in my life. Why? Because I’ve been so focused and working hard at it. I love it. And I’m going to keep doing it. But the energy and relentlessness I adopted in getting writing opportunities needs to be put into music. Writing doesn’t scare me. Music does. Time for round 2.

From what I’ve said, it sounds like the music isn’t taking off. It is. In ways I couldn’t have conceived. Our band Rope Store did our first gig at Old School Studios in Norwich a few weeks ago. We have another coming up on the 18th April and we are also supporting Speedometer when they stop in Norwich on tour. We’re saving like mole rats to get our first 7” single sent off in a few weeks and planning some very exciting things… Music is happening. I just know it can happen more. My dreams are big.

My life is still a buggering hell of a mess somedays. But I learnt something. Everybody has a mess they’re dealing with. We are all in the same wonderful, beautiful boat. Some people just paint their’s a little prettier. We can’t let our individual messes and circumstances dictate whether or not we will live the life we want to. It’s nonsensical.

Wash your hands. Time to reboot. X

Here you can check out the music I’ve been making as part of Rope Store http://www.ropestore.bandcamp.com

Cover songs are here. http://www.youtube.com/user/gemmadietrich

Life in pictures – http://www.instagram.com/gemmadietrich

Life in tweets – http://www.twitter.com/gemmadietrich