Tag Archives: self respect

Day #271 – I am a disappointment…

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… I am also kind.

I think I’m struggling to keep my head above the water but I can’t tell because I’m kicking so hard I have no idea what’s going on around me. Maybe I’m drowning. Maybe I’m a human dolphin. I’ve been told I’m a disappointment until sometimes I can’t move. I’ve been told that other people share this sentiment. I’ve been told that I’m not hated… But other people ‘disapprove’ of me. People I really cared about. People I thought were awesome. You tell anybody this for long enough, you’ll break them. They won’t be able to hear the other people around them saying nice things. The strangers thanking them. Day in, day out I’ve been asked to recount and explain myself.  Sometimes I’m good enough, most of the time I’m not. I’ll never be forgiven for this thing that wasn’t that thing at all. Sometimes it’s easier to blame somebody else than look at an entire picture. 

But I’ve had it. It’s too much. Perhaps I am a disappointment to some people. That’s ok. Nobody knows the truth. I do. I know the entire truth. Nobody’s really bothered to ask. We should all be taught when we are young that we are going to go through life disappointing people one after the other. Instead we are taught “Don’t disappoint!”, “Disappointing people is bad!” As a result we live our entire lives trying to please other people and worrying about what everyone else thinks of us. Even if you were as perfect as they come, you’d still disappoint someone somewhere. It’s the trouble with humans. As long as you’re not disappointing yourself, that’s all that matters. And if you do screw up and do a tiny thing on your massive journey that makes you disappointed in yourself. Say sorry. Be sorry. Show that you’re sorry. Do everything that you can to remedy that situation and support the people that you may have hurt (and yourself). Don’t do it again. Learn from it. But most importantly, forgive yourself and keep walking. Don’t kill yourself over it. What the hell is the point beating yourself up over things you can’t change or undo? Some people will never understand you or want to for that matter. Do you realise how short life is? We could all be dead tomorrow. That’s the reality. Grab life and screw what everyone else thinks.

I’m learning that no matter what other people think of you, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. If the people around you don’t make you feel good – don’t be around them anymore. Why are you inviting someone into your life, out of choice, that doesn’t make you feel good? Nobody’s friendship is that special or worth it if they don’t bring out the best in you and love you as you are. Nobody’s. Sometimes that hurts. Actually it really hurts. Loving someone and wanting to be a positive influence in their life and being met with hostility and rejection hurts. But so do unsupportive friendships. Friends are kind beings and friendship is a two way street. Don’t forget that. We are all worthy of being surrounded by kindness.

I’ve been trying to work out how I can use my current situation to help other people in relation to the whole cosmic ordering business. Chasing your dreams. Living your dreams. Being yourself. And I guess it’s just this, which I’ve said a few times before. Life is never going to be smooth. Stop waiting for things to calm down to start your project or your business or your class. Whatever it is that you want to do or wherever it is you want to go. Stop waiting. The perfect time doesn’t exist and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be much harder than you can even imagine no matter how ‘perfect’ you have timed and planned things. Something unexpected will always happen. When the going gets rough, you can’t give up. As much as you want to. Stay focused and know that all the things that are problems now will be distant memories one day. If you give up, nothing’s going to change. You have to start and you have to carry on, amidst everything. It blows, but the alternative blows more.

Hi. I’m a human. I make mistakes. Other people do too. Nice to meet you. X

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