I’ve done gone did it again. Twenty three days of silence. Twenty three days. That’s just short of a month. Even though I know how this all works. How you have to keep going when you don’t want to. How shit happens and you have to get right back up and keep walking. How when you feel like quitting and giving everything up you have to focus even harder. I know all of that. As do you. Didn’t stop me though. I’ve been busy thought gathering.
I’m here now. For the moment. This little heart of mine is relentless. Sometimes I wish it craved stability and normality.
I’ve been pretty stressed about everything. Think I’ve mentioned that far too many times. I’m bored of it too. I haven’t wanted to write anything. Nothing inspiring at least. Nothing I’ve wanted to share. I’m so tired of people having an opinion on what and how I’m doing things in the real world, writing has just felt like giving them more ammunition to silently fire my way. I’ve been feeling somewhat naive and stupid. Perhaps even displaced. But I guess me being quiet would make me the loser in the long run.
I’ve been stressed because things haven’t felt like they are ‘going to plan’. Things have certainly been moving and developing but not how I had planned. I had this list of things I ‘should’ be doing. How to get from A to B. How to win. I threw my list away. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to do all the things I’ve been advised I ‘should’ do to succeed. There’s been a shift.
With my new found acceptance of life came something else. Trust.
Life just isn’t something you can plan out. It’s an uncertain, ever evolving, inexplicable old thing. You can work towards things and you can have an idea of how you want everything to pan out, but as for having control on how and when that happens. I’m not sure we have all that much say in it. Spanners happen. Things don’t work out exactly how we imagined. Then what? We run around in circles searching, panicking about what to do instead. Worrying it’s not going to plan. What if we just trusted that everything is unfolding exactly as it should? Everything will be alright in the end. Weezer said so.
A friend of mine was really upset recently. They had put all of their hopes into getting this promotion at work and planned the next few years of their life around it. When it didn’t happen they were really upset. All they could see was that they were stuck on the same pay scale in the same job going nowhere and everybody around them was moving up the ladder. They mustn’t be good enough. At that moment, even though I was trying to point out that something better would come along, that it wasn’t the right position, because their ‘plan’ had failed, they couldn’t see anything else. Nothing better was going to come. There was nothing better.
They’ve just been offered a much better job. With much better prospects. Doing exactly what they wanted to do. They didn’t see it before. But it was there all along, right in front of them. Do they care about the job that didn’t happen anymore? Not so much. This is way better. It’s the same for you. Maybe this isn’t unfolding as and how you had hoped. But it’s certainly unfolding and going SOMEWHERE. Whatsoever you are doing will help you grow and see new things.
It’s easy to do with hindsight. We can look at things and say that everything happened for a reason and without each step, both positive and negative, we wouldn’t be where we are today. If we can do it with hindsight, I’m sure we can do it in the present moment too. Just trust that as you’re doing your very best and working in the right direction, it’ll all work out. It just will. And if you have no idea what direction to go in, trust that something will be put in front of you. You just have to jump with no thought of what might happen next. Even if the idea scares you to death. Keep your eyes open and ears to the ground. If what you want to work out doesn’t happen as and when you want it, something else equally awesome will. You might not end up where you thought you were going but you’ll end up somewhere. You don’t need to make sense of it right now.
Not everything can be controlled. Maybe that’s the point X
Twitter and all the irrelevant rest… Follow it if it makes you happy.